Monday, November 30, 2009

Enough about me…now what about me?

I suppose that “my type” has got to go out the window. Honestly, it appears that “my type” isn’t my type at all. I actually met a nice guy who was completely not like anybody I would ever have gone out with and had more in common with him than anyone I’ve met in years. It was actually pretty nice to know that at least I have some ability to be attracted to someone! He hasn’t called me or made any attempt to contact me…of course it’s only been two days…in my world that is more like two years and usually by the time a guy has gotten around to contacting me, I don’t remember meeting him and I’ve written another book or something. …meanwhile, back at the ranch…two days later, I’ve already gone through all the phases: like, attraction, interest, possibility, chemistry, excitement, realization that he wasn’t into me, rejection, resolution, cheesesticks!…and that’s how the story ends. Now…don’t get me wrong, I understand that 2 days in guyland likely hasn’t given him time to zip his fly back up after his morning sports illustrated reading session, but it’s just easier for me to just forget about it and resign myself to the fact that there is something about me he doesn’t see for himself as someone he would date! I know that feeling! My friend tried to set me up with another guy who seemed to be my type and there wasn’t even an opportunity to even try to start a conversation with him. If I can’t start a conversation, the conversation can’t be started! He was just too intense! (hee hee…isn’t that irony at its best? That’s sort of like the pot calling the coffee black…) He just kept talking about everything he is. Enough about me, now what about me?…I do have this issue myself though. It’s not because I’m really self absorbed, it’s usually due to the fact that I’m trying to save the other person from a long, embarrassing lull in the conversation. What topic do I know the most about?…well…Me! It’s actually too bad that sometimes I find myself more interesting than most of the guys people have set me up with. BUT- I think I would’ve actually shut up and let the guy from the other night talk. He just seemed nice. He wasn’t likely to say anything that would play over and over again in my head that would prevent me from ever being interested in him. Maybe that’s the other reason why I talk all the time. I may just be trying to prevent an opening for something to be said that I’ll never be able to forget! I don’t forget anything- ever. I could replay virtually every conversation I’ve ever had for the last 20 years like a soundtrack in my head.

So now I’m really on a roll (…wait a minute…how do you spell that? Is it roll?…reading back on that sort of seems like I’m saying I’m on a roll with pickles and onions?…hmm…) Oh well… you know what I mean! I have been set up with so many people who are “supposed to be good for me” and there has been an overwhelming amount of nothing between us. It feels like I’m on old episodes of “The Fugitive”. Remember the guy who searched for years and years for the one armed man who killed his wife?…Every episode ended the same way- no one armed man! I sort of got tired of watching. It seemed like I already knew the ending. I guess that means that I get sick of playing the same rerun with different guy’s names playing the role of the guy who is the wrong one-armed man. So what about the genuine guy from the other night?…don’t know yet…but I’m quite certain that by tomorrow I will be in the full blown resolution stage! I can’t wait around for other people’s timing to be right when I know that when I meet the right guy, the timing will already be right. I suppose I’ll forget it and go back to being content with “no possibility!” It seems to feel better!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Do you have any chocolate?

I was out having a few cocktails with a friend the other night…and by cocktails, I mean tater skins and mozzarella sticks…What?…They’re really good! We were laughing and having a great time as we listened to the band. After my friend finished one of the courses from our well-balanced meal of grease, carbohydrates and dairy, she asked the waiter, “Do you have any chocolate?”…He seemed confused as he looked at her and then back to me and asked me, “Is she trying to make me blush?”…Just then, I noticed that he was of African American decent. I looked to her as she scooped the last piece of bacon off the plate and then back to him. I giggled and replied, “Um. No. I think she really just wants some chocolate.” He left to get her a menu…When he returned he said, “we have everything on here accept the angel food cake.” I asked politely, “Is that a white thing?”…He laughed and walked away. My friend and I laughed all night about it. It had never been her intention to come off as flirty with this young 20-something waiter. Had we given him the wrong impression?…and by wrong impression, I mean one where he would think that we were out looking for young black guys to pick up for the evening? I drifted into one of my pondering mental states as I thought, “geez…we have got to lay off the cheese!”

I wondered if the miscommunication was our problem or his? Maybe he was so used to being identified as “black”, that it’s something he naturally draws attention to. We all do things like that. If we have some sort of insecurity that we are wondering people are noticing, we drag the elephant to the center of the room and call attention to it so no one thinks that we aren’t aware of it. For example, if for some reason I get a blemish on my face, instead of using a little bit of cover up and pretending that it’s not there, without hesitation I’ll say to a room full of people the second I enter, “Yeah! I’m here…and I brought this ridiculous zit that I grew over night that I can barely see you over due to the fact that it has it’s own zipcode!…Well! That puts an end to the snickering water cooler talk about whether I knew I had a blemish or not! Clearly I knew and there was no need for them to speak amongst themselves about it later. Now don’t get me wrong… I’m not comparing a zit to being African American. I’m comparing defense mechanism to defense mechanism. It’s like the overweight comedian who always needs to tell fat jokes. Yeah…they are funny…but the only reason he is poking fun at himself is to keep others from being able to hurt with it later. It does go to show though, that what we notice in ourselves is far more critical than what others notice about us. Possibly we’re giving people ammunition to hurt us by trying to diffuse their ability to hurt us?…I think I’m going to try to just let go of drawing attention to things I’m hard on myself about. Judging from the really heavy lady’s reaction in the mall to my comment about how I’m getting fat because I’m wearing a size 6 right now, people aren’t taking it the right way!…and no…I don’t need any chocolate thank you!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Darn! Missed Garbage Day Again!

I can’t believe this! I don’t know if there is a memo that only goes out to people with children that tells them when the heck garbage day is, but for some reason, I never get my garbage out on holiday weeks. It seems that it’s always on a different random day. The strange thing is that I’ll hear the truck outside and notice that all of the other houses have put theirs out! How did they know? Is garbage day in the category of things that only apply to people with families?…like…let’s see…leaving early from work to pick up their kids…tax rebate checks …PTA… peace and good will towards man…?? It’s either that, or there are just more people in the household to assign different random tasks to. I suppose if a family lived in a house together, they could have a list of chores posted on the fridge next to the “I love my Mommy” drawings…instead of a list of “what I ate today” like I have on mine. I’m sure if someone had the task of taking out the garbage, that person would have to make it her job to find out when to do it. Maybe there are too many things on my list and certain ones don’t ever get attended to. I wonder if there’s a “Stunt Husband” program that I could sign up for. It would be like that “big brother” one where older guys come and take young boys out so they have a positive male role model in their lives. I’m certain I would qualify for assistance. Clearly I’m lacking in the “dead mouse removal”, “garbage day”, “house painting”, “leaf raking” department! It’s funny too because in all other areas, I’m very efficient! I’m just NOT very manly!…Oh well…maybe I’ll check the yellow pages under “things creative blonde girls need”…I’m sure there’s something in there for me! Would that be under “T”, or “B” for “Blonde girls need, things”??…wait…I don’t think I even have a phonebook….darn…put that under “N” for “Need, things creative blonde girls”…My new refrigerator note:

To Do:
Get phonebook
Call someone to find out who to call about garbage day
Call about garbage day
Rake leaves
Check into Stunt husband program
What I ate today...

Friday, November 27, 2009

You can’t act more breezy than that?

Have you ever noticed that when people act too excited about the possibility of a new “relationship”, the person on the other end gets scared off and disappears?…This seems to always be the case and yet even though we know it, we still get that way. I have run into guys who I might’ve been interested in but wanted to just see where it would go. Within a few days, they would be acting too anxious to get together. On occasion, I’ve had my best friend try to talk them down! She’s said, “You just need to act breezy like on that one episode of Friends.” It’s never worked though. Some people just aren’t breezy in anyway. The funny thing is that I am hardly ever breezy myself. I’m more like a tornado. It’s really not my fault I guess. I’m just a little too intense when it comes to productivity. Come to think of it, on those occasions when a guy seemed too interested in me, maybe I just wasn’t going to be interested in him to begin with. It just shouldn’t be that hard.

Here’s a tiny play I wrote entitled: “Un-breezy!”

Cue lights please…

Guy picks up girl for dinner (…this is already way out of my comfort zone…can’t we just meet at a high school dance or something?…clearly I am not a big fan of the word, “DATE!”)

Guy hands girl flowers at the door (um…thanks…that was really nice…but definitely not breezy!)

Guy: I got you these. You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met!

Girl: (you don’t have cable?)…Thank you!

Guy: So... I was wondering how you feel about having children?

Girl: (uh…tonight?)…uh…tonight? (oops…Couldn’t stop that response.)

Guy: My ex says I’m going to meet someone right away because I’m really good looking and have a ton of money.

Girl: (then why didn’t she keep you?)…hee hee…that’s lucky for you.

Scene change…dinner is over…guy walks girl to the door…

Guy: This was fun. Do you think you’d be interested in flying to Italy on my private jet for 2 weeks next July?

Girl: (does that mean I’d have to hang out with you for the next 8 months until then?)…Um…I’d have to check my schedule. You should get back to me about that in May.

Guy: Well. Think about it. I need to make arrangements in the next 3 weeks.

Girl: ( pressure then!) Oh. I’m sure I have to sing those weekends. I’ll check.

Guy: So. I had fun. I’ll call you when I get home.

Girl: Ok. I have some things to do so if I don’t answer, I haven’t heard the phone. Thanks for everything.

Guy pulls out of driveway…scene fades out…girl sells her house and leaves the state…

So obviously there is somewhere in between getting to know someone slowly and making a commitment the first time you meet to fly to Italy nearly a year later. Again…in a few cases, I have been the one who has made myself too available. I will be sure not to do that again because clearly I can dish it out, but I can’t take it!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Dissed by Sarah Palin

I have to say that I’m a little disappointed in Sarah Palin. I stood by her throughout the time she was running for election simply on party lines even while she was being repeatedly slammed due to her gun toting, “I can see Russia from my house”ing, all I read is Vogue and the Enquirer, campaign strategies! I couldn’t stand her accent. I found it harsh and offensive coming out of such a pretty woman’s mouth but I just turned down the sound on the television and read her lips. It was actually quite easy to do because her consonants were so hard they smacked her lips together to form easy to read sentences.

So what is my problem now?…I was flipping through the channels the other day and heard her talking about the abortion issue where having her baby was concerned. She said that she could see how it could go through a woman’s mind at certain times in her life. She continued, “I mean. I was 43 years old. I wasn’t exactly any spring chicken and I was having a baby!”…Oh my God Sarah!…Uncool! 43 years old is nearly my best-case scenario for having my first child! Did she really believe that it was better that her uneducated teenaged daughter was having a baby than it was for her to have one? I have to say that that hurt a little bit! Just because I didn’t meet a “hunter and gatherer” in high school to have a family with doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t have a child. The thing is that I changed the channel immediately so I don’t really know where she went with that topic. Actually I’m quite certain that she was siding with keeping the child and only mocking herself but it didn’t diminish the sting in my mind. I imagined myself rounding up a whole bunch of spring chickens and putting them in a pen somewhere until the “unspring chickens” got a chance at a conversation with someone who may be interested in having a three headed baby one day!,,,thanks again Sarah…I was just beginning to think that everything would be alright! I’m so NOT voting for you. I don’t like your accent anyway…and you should use some of your money from your book sales to send your husband to college! Don’t they have a bachelor’s degree in Kayaking or something?…

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

My new blog compilation!

Hi Everyone! I just wanted to let you know that I just made a collection of my blogs available for print in case anyone is looking for a stocking stuffer for that jaded single girl near you! Click the link on the right under Calia's books for more information!

And also...don't forget to send me holiday ideas! I'm anxious to hear how you spend your holidays! Happy stories please! Thanks everyone!


Another Speed Bump?

I am getting really sick of speed bumps. Why is it that everyday, there’s a new speed bump in the middle of the parking lot?…I wasn’t speeding. I just wanted to drive forward without biting my tongue and grinding the bottom of my car down. People are getting a little bit too intense with their obsession with authority. Last week, I watched a guy come out of the building next door and set cones around a few parking places he didn’t want people to park. Wait a minute…who the heck is he? If I get my own cones, can I set aside a spot for me to pull into in the morning?

The thing is that it appears that I have a problem with authority all together. I see those cones and I want to take them home with me. I see a speed bump and I sort of want to file it down with a lathe. I see a no parking sign with the words, “No Parking between 3-5 pm Monday through Friday, 7-9am on Saturday and Sunday, At all between the hours of 4-9pm on odd numbered days of the month or during special events”, on it, and I want to send a pointed letter to the city parking authority. It will say:

To whom it may concern,

I can’t help but notice that it is nearly impossible to leave my car anywhere without having a secret decoder ring for the signs from a “parking authority crispies” box. Please accept my payment of one million dollars to cover the cost of the rest of the tickets I obtain in my lifetime. My license plate number is PRKNG SCKS. Please see to it that all officers are made aware of our new arrangement of me parking where I want to, when I want to, and you leaving me the heck alone. I appreciate your attempt at keeping order, however, I hope you will use the money to purchase lives for the people who are consistently standing next to my car waiting for the meter to expire or become invisible depending on the time of day. I mean really?…for God's sake! Are they riding in my trunk?... I appreciate your immediate attention to this matter.


Calia Roze

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Here Come the Love Holidays!

Well! Here they come…the holidays are on their way. I have a friend that says that guys won’t start dating near the holidays so there is no pressure on them to buy a gift! She also believes that no one gets involved from the start of winter until May. As a matter of fact, every year since I’ve known her, she has made a resolution in August, “No men 'til May!”…um…That’s a nice idea…but haven’t we sort of been working on the resolution we already made about 7 or 8 years ago, “No men 'til this decade is over?”…Maybe we should try “No men till we meet one we can stand!”…yeah…now there’s a resolution I can really commit to! That’ll ease the pressure.

So what about this no dating near the holidays thing?…That sort of stinks...since that seems like the only time of the year I could really use a little somethin' somethin'...Isn't that just my luck! Come to think of it though, I've always been the luckiest girl in the world when it came to just about everything but this recurring nightmare I call my love life! I had just started to think that the trouble was just due to the age range I am in, but after discussing it with a friend at the gym, it turns out that it's the same for every age! I have 20something friends who are struggling with this exact problem! Single is single! 20's, 30,s divorced...50's...We may all be looking for different things but we are all in the same boat!...Personally I think we're going to need a bigger boat and possibly we should consider a co-ed mixer boat or something before it capsizes. The problem is that we are all picking through the untaken remnants! My mother used to do that with material at the fabric store while we waited in the car! From what I can remember, that took an incredible amount of time too! Now that I think about it, the remnants did make cute little outfits for our dolls...but they didn't exactly match. Okay...but what if the fabric was only available between the months of May until August? Our dolls would've been completely naked or we would've been dressing them in the old standby outfits that we didn't really like but were better than nothing. That's not really my doll's style though. She has a different idea. She sort of hopes that there is a possibility of finding a beautiful dress that no one has worn that has been left in a trunk somewhere that she could wear for the holidays? Even the possibility that it's there somewhere is enough to hang on to.

I've decided that we need to make something special out of the holidays this year! This is for the single people: Let’s make something from scratch that will make this time truly special. I think that a walk around Rockefeller Center is in order and a drive or two down the Henry Hudson Parkway to feel the energy of the pure number of people who are nestled inside their apartments! A home-made craft that would be something we’d really love to get if we were children…or a glass of hot chocolate with marshmallows by a picture window next to a fireplace while watching the huge snowflakes dance with their holiday flair outside!

If you have any beautiful ideas to make this year truly special, email them to me ( or comment here! I look forward to spending the holidays with your ideas this year!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Funhouse Mirrors at the Gym

I was working out tonight and couldn’t help but notice a guy who had apparently forgotten to work out his lower body- since the beginning of time! He was strutting around the gym to the point that I had to look away because I was giggling at how strangely out of proportion he was. He looked sort of like an upside down food pyramid…or really any pyramid for that matter but I instantly thought, ‘Hmm…he could really use a potato or something on the bottom! He was actually an attractive looking guy, who I imagine, was probably very good looking in high school. He just screamed out ‘guy who someone made a comment to him about having small shoulders when he was 15 and he had been working out his shoulders and back ever since!’ I rubbed my eyes to see if it was just the mirrors distorting him into a Popeye looking figure!…nope! Not the mirrors… He looked like he had been squeezed from a tube of toothpaste and splatted out the top. Even more interestingly, he was working on…guess what?…yes! His shoulders and back!…I wanted to yell out, “Dude! Work legs for a few months! Lay off the shoulders! You’re going to topple over!”…Luckily I didn’t…because that would’ve been rude!

I kept working out and noticed an older lady (likely around 55 or so?) She had obviously been trying to keep herself in shape for many years. That was very commendable! The trouble with older ladies keeping themselves too skinny is that there is often nothing they can do about enormous breasts that have dropped like lead weights to their hips as they dance out of time with each other in the mirror while she is doing chest fly’s. But her yellow hair and short shorts looked good. Maybe she was just doing physical therapy for…well…likely for whatever injury a 50 year old woman would get from working out with barbells too heavy for a man. Again…it doesn’t seem nice to notice these people and I am actually quite impressed that they take an interest in staying healthy! I suppose my main problem is that I worry that since I’m a fitness junkie and have been since I was old enough to drive, when I get old, I’m going to turn into one of those people who looks like I should likely stop trying to be a size 2 anymore. (and don’t get me wrong…I’m not a size 2 this week but will likely be 2 weeks from now! I’m like that!) Besides, whose grandmother needs to wear a wife beater and moccasins to the gym? Oh geez…I hope I have the sense to through away my moccasins when I turn…well…the century…

All in all though, I had a great workout! It’s my favorite thing to do.

Friday, November 20, 2009

What makes “chemistry?”

I find it very interesting that there are certain things that bring couples together. Chemistry is chemistry. If there is none, it doesn’t matter how perfect a person is for you. I’m not just talking about physical chemistry. I’m referring to banter and common understanding. One time I had to take notes throughout the day in order to be able to keep a conversation going on the phone with a guy I was hanging out with for a few weeks. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have spent quite so much time trying with that one. Clearly we didn’t have anything to talk about. This is quite strange too because I can be alone in my own house and carry on a perfectly good conversation will no lulls of deafening silence. On the flip side of the silent phone conversation though, I've only had one relationship in my lifetime in which the conversation was always easy (unless of course he had changed his phone number so I couldn't reach him...and strangely enough, he did that twice during the 4 years I spent with him). I ran into him recently, ten years later in the grocery store. I felt as though we could've pulled up two chairs in the clorox aisle and talked all night again. It's too bad that relationship didn't work out but neither of us would've become the person we are now if we had stayed where we were. I don't have regrets...I just pattern what I believe a relationship to be after the good parts I shared with him. That's the sort of person you can grow old with and not worry that there's nothing left to say. Oh well...the quest continues...So what is it about people that allows them the ability to have this sort of chemistry? I suppose there’d have to be a few points of conversation that both people had a vast knowledge on. I try to learn a little bit about a lot of different things. The problem is that it still doesn’t work if the other person is too serious. If I need a laugh track for my jokes so a guy knows where they are placed in the conversation, he probably isn’t in sync with me. I suppose I could just carry a digital device in my pocket that has random conversation starters. OH! I know!…I could invent a device that attaches to the phone that changes the topic to a variety of different ideas with the push of a button. The only issue with this is that I sort of already have that button genetically engineered in my head to begin with.

Does it take some people longer to open up into chatter about things that are important to them or do some people have absolutely no interests at all? I can’t imagine that is the case. You’d have to be pretty boring to have nothing matter at all. I guess it could happen though. I have made a list of things I could have a conversation about:

Web design
Producing music
Video Production
Movies from the 80’s
self help/psychology
Computers, Computers, Computers
Building Computers, Using Computers, Backing up computers…did I mention computers?

Uh oh…It’s me. I apparently I have a narrow scope of topics. If a guy can’t fit into one of those categories with similar interests, the conversation will stop. Hmm…what do guys like? I may be missing a major one- sports! Clearly a “sports guy”, if that is all he is, is totally unsuited to me. I have tried to get into sports. Basketball and baseball make sense to me. I even played softball when I was in 5th grade. Wait…let me rephrase that. I used to wet my pants in left field during the 3 ½ hour games while our pitcher walked the other team through the bases. I suppose if a guy gave me some indication of his interests, other than pretending to care about things he believes I might like, I would research them and be able to keep the conversation going if he’s attractive enough. Hey! He could invite me to his fencing match if he’d like. I have a blackberry in case I get bored…and I’ll even sing the anthem! Do they sing the anthem at fencing?...or is it from a different country? I never hear "Fencing! The great American passtime!"...oh well! My fencing boyfriend will have to let me know!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

No Inner Monologue…

I ran into a friend who was telling me about a girl who had said to him, “Gee. You seem to be too good to be true…but why can’t you be taller?”…He decided that the problem was that she didn’t have any inner monologue. There are certain things that we need to say in our heads to hear what they may sound like before we phonate!…I have really been working on this with emails lately myself. It used to be that when I got an email that sounded unreasonable to me, I would instantly fire back a quick, “yeah…whatever. Screw you!” I found that this didn’t turn out as well as my original intention had hoped. Now, I make sure to close the email without responding for at least 12 hours! Usually by the time I open it up again, my response is less likely to get me called into my boss’ office where he has printed 14 copies of my response for posterity. In those instances, I have noticed that my response to him of, “oh. Oops…I’m sorry. But did you read the original email you sent me? On my behalf, don’t you think that I responded appropriately?”, wasn’t effective!…on these occasions, he hasn’t seemed to agree with me. Go figure! Waiting to respond to emails has really saved me a lot of time… and apologies. The giggle only goes so far!

I suppose this a good lesson for people to learn in general. For some reason, tact has gone completely out the window. I guess that in a world where people are overwhelmingly dishonest, I’ll take a little honesty anywhere I can get it. But I won’t say that it didn’t hurt when a guy in college told me that I would be the perfect girl for him “if only I was taller and thinner.”…Oh well…he was probably right! I should’ve been taller and thinner…and had different colored hair…and would likely be removing his name from the hyphen after mine by now!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Man Ring

I saw on the news that there is a new trend starting of women buying men engagement rings! Um! People…this is absolutely crazy unless these women are corporate businesswomen who are getting engaged to the pool boy! What man in his right mind would want to wear an engagement ring around? The funny thing is that I told a guy friend of mine and he said, “Yeah baby!”…I don’t think he was really thinking about it. He seemed to be really excited from a financial point of view…but what about the fact that it would appear to be advertisement from a jealous girlfriend that he was taken and other women should keep their hands off? Of course most women would see it and want to get him to cheat on his girlfriend just because of the dysfunction of the whole concept! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched women try to pick up guys after noticing a wedding band. I think there’s a type of woman who wants to see if she can steal a guy to prove to herself that she’s good enough. I don’t agree! When a married guy talks to me about how he’s unhappy, I’m really turned off! I say, “oh. Well does your wife know that the two of you are unhappy? Maybe you should be having this conversation with her.”

Oh well…I suppose that the type of guy I’d be interested in would never want the type of girl who would actually try to brand him with an engagement ring. Powerful type ‘A’ guys have an old fashioned need to feign strength in the relationship! For the most part, that’s why they tend to like their women a little weaker! As a matter of fact, that’s part of my problem I have a feeling. I like strong guys and I come off extremely strong myself. Come to think of it, maybe I should just pick up a spare engagement ring to keep in my bag in case I run into a pool boy who may want to do my laundry and trim my hedges…

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Wow! Does your wife own a bakery?

I was at the gym in the middle of the day yesterday. I looked around and thought, “hmm…look at all these people without jobs! How do they afford this ridiculously expensive gym membership?”…I kept working out and noticed a guy who sort of looked like someone I used to know. I had heard that he had gotten married 2 or 3 years ago but hadn’t seen him since. Either this wasn’t him, or his wife must own a bakery or something. He looked as though he had eaten someone his previous size and had been left with a stretched out shell of himself. I felt a little bad, but the fleeting thought vanished into a huge question mark? How would someone get married and then get fat? I have heard that sometimes people let themselves go once they meet someone, but I don’t know how that could happen. When I’m in a relationship, I’m always much thinner than when I am not in one. Of course that’s because I have to stop eating cheese in bed. I guess that’s a different issue though.

So what’s wrong with a person who disappears into contentment once he’s in a relationship? Personally I see it as just the opposite. I need to be pretty lonely and unhappy to put on weight. I wonder if certain people are the opposite of that? Possibly people are too hung up on how others make them feel? I would rather be happy by myself and then happier once I have someone to share my happiness with. It just seems like it’s a huge cycle of desperation on human nature’s part. If people keep grabbing the next person in line for fear of what they may learn if they spend a little time alone, the next generation of children are going to be reading books that end with, “And they all lived miserably ever after!”…

Monday, November 16, 2009

Now that's what I call confidence!

Have you ever noticed that if you act like you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing, no one thinks you’re doing anything wrong? I was out on a walk in a neighboring town one night at 2:30AM, and across the street, there was a large African American man walking down the block carrying a huge television on his shoulder. I figured that maybe he was just moving or something and didn’t have a truck. A cop drove by but didn’t stop so I figured that there was no way he was any danger to me…besides…he’d have to put the TV down first. I just walked by.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that people can do anything they want as long as they do it with confidence. I participated in the Secret Santa exchange at work last year. Everyday, I walked right up to the person I was buying the gift for and handed it directly to her. She never guessed that it was me. She probably just thought, “There’s no way it’s Calia! She’d have to be crazy to deliver it herself. She wouldn’t do that!…or would she?…no…she wouldn’t…” Yeah…I did! The point is that it worked! No one knew.

I suppose it means that as long as we go through life acting confident about our choices, everyone will believe that we are doing exactly what we are meant to be doing. Well! That’s just great! I’m confident that I have no idea what I’m doing…

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Yep! Dryer lint is flammable

Well! I guess it’s true what they say…Dryer lint is definitely flammable. Now…I don’t mean to drudge up anyone’s hard feelings towards the words flammable and inflammable!…Yes! The words have the same meaning…but…dryer lint is definitely inflammable! Here’s how I know: I cleaned out the lint trap and lit it on fire with a lighter. It went up like a trailer in a tornado!…I think the question here is “why?” Not why does it catch on fire so easily…but…Why would I wonder if it would or not? Haven’t we all heard that dryers are dangerous and unless you clean out your lint trap, the lint could easily catch fire? Of course!…and yet I wanted to find out for myself!

Isn’t this sort of behavior typical of people? Men and women alike! How many times have we been told that a guy is bad news but it somehow attracts us to him? Better yet…how many women do you know who have gone out with men who were taken and thought that once they got him, he’d be different?…um…no! If he’s cheating with you, he’ll cheat on you!…but no!…women want to light him on fire and see if he goes up…I mean…Typical women think that it will be different with her because “he just wasn’t with the right girl!” Sorry! That’s not true. Once you’re in, you won’t be the “right girl” either! You can’t change a guy who is flammable! Personally, that’s not my style. I don’t have really any use for thinking that I’ll be different. God knows that I’m different…the trouble is that it’s actually the guy that needs to be! Whatever…the point is, if someone in the world has already learned a lesson, wouldn’t we be wise not to have to relearn it for ourselves. It would really save us a lot of time to do other stupid things that no one has done yet!…like play baseball near the neighbor’s picture window…

Friday, November 13, 2009

The long hug…

I’ve been noticing that people seem to get a little too touchy in their hugging lately. I ran into a man when I was singing the other night that put his arms out for a hug. I leaned in for a quick pat on the back. Well!…NOT SO!…Apparently he had something different in mind. He ran his hand up my back and into the back of my hair where he rubbed my scalp, messed my neatly sprayed locks as he mumbled some unintelligible utterance. I started to pull away and he kept me there, patting my back and stroking my head. I had enough time to ponder the fact that I was clearly stuck there for the duration of the evening. How would I sing? How would I dance? I had a man stuck to my head. I worried that he may be a little sick in the head due to the fact that I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who was quite so cuddly. Not to mention that I am definitely not a fan of public displays of affection. I really don’t feel like it’s anyone’s business that a dirty old man seems to think he’s at a petting zoo. Oh well…Maybe I need to work harder at maintaining my own personal boundaries! From now on, I guess I’ll wear a sign that says “please don’t touch the singer!”…I can put it next to the sign I already wear that says, “Please don’t feed the singer!”

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Bad Penny

Well…now it’s official! My own personal freaky factor has been alas beaten! Last night I heard someone outside on my porch. I went to the door and looked out the window to see a guy I sort of recognized. I hesitated to open the door…since he had disappeared 4 years earlier with my garbage can. Before I unlocked the door, I told my friend on the phone to call me back in 15 minutes and if I didn’t answer, to call the police. He seemed a little concerned. Honestly…he should’ve been. Clearly this guy is completely crazy. I wasn’t about to let him into my house so I stood and talked to him on the porch so the neighbor’s would be able to see if he did something weird. I wasn’t certain if this was the best idea or not due to the fact that they had threatened to kill him if he came near me again…but after weighing the options, since they already had criminal records, I decided that it would be best that if they did, I’d be more comfortable with it happening on the porch instead of my living room carpet. He hugged me and said, “Why are you mad at me?”…um…I said, “You’re Michael right?” He said, “yes. I haven’t seen you in over 3 years. You know my father died right?”…He said, “Come on. I know. I was there. You were just too distraught to see me.”…I was quite positive that this wasn’t true since the hospital where he had been pretending to practice medicine as a podiatrist (without a license by the way) had told me that he had left his program and disappeared 3 years earlier. I lifted my foot into the air and said happily, “Well. This is really great because I think I have a broken foot.”…He just looked at me like I was crazy. He gave me another, “Why are you mad at me?” I wondered if he was kidding or if he had really lost nearly 4 years of time in his head. We had hung out for about 4 weeks from around Thanksgiving until a little after Christmas and the last I had seen of him was when I woke up from a nap to find him watching the super bowl on my wide screen TV at the end of January after not talking to him for 3 weeks or so. He was clearly insane. He went on… “I drove an hour to see you. Why are you mad at me?”…hmm…He had shown up each night during the time I knew him expecting dinner. Possibly he was looking for dinner?…I wasn’t making dinner tonight! Did I mention that he was crazy? He said, “But Cal. I could show you your letter?”…I replied, “The essay I wrote about Narcissism?”…he said, “No. The nice one. Why are you mad at me?”…I said, “I’m not.” He went on to tell me that he was practicing medicine in PA. He said, “I just didn’t want to die without saying I’m sorry. You were great!”…I replied, “Are you dying?” He said, “No.” I said, “Okay good. Apology accepted!…okay…so…I gotta go…I have to…um…do…something…” (Smooth Calia!…Couldn’t come up with an activity better than, um…something? Darn!…I hope the guys don’t shoot him…and where the heck did he come up with that brand new BMW sport utility?…hmm…I’m sure it’s stolen…and…what the heck does he want? …and make sure you call the hospital in PA and make sure no one really needs any real medical attention…) I watched him drive away as I locked my door. I’m certain that there is more to that story that I will never know…until one day when the police break down my door looking for whatever he has apparently hidden in my house that he must’ve come back for. Note to self: pull up the basement flooring if you smell decomp!…and check to make sure he didn’t steal the garbage cans again.

When NOT to get involved...

I keep wondering what it is about people that makes us want only what we can’t have. I know that I talk about this all the time but I am constantly baffled by it. I know a guy who insisted on getting all hung up on a girl who is from a different country who blatantly told him that they could only “hang out” for a while. Hello people! If someone’s hand is already promised to the guy from the farm down the street in marriage in return for a goat, it’s a good reason not to get involved! That being said, I have to wonder how it can be so hard to meet “the one” these days when a century ago, everyone’s “the one” just happened to live a mile down the street on the next farm! Baffling!…Oh well…So… In modern times, are people so hung up on ‘yearning’ that they can’t form rational thoughts? I will never understand why people love to chase what they can’t have so much that they will actually put themselves in the direct line of fire. Whoaa…Hey! “I wondered if you would meet me in the middle of a highway for a cup of coffee! Hey…wait…why did that truck just flatten us out like a pancake? Hmm… but we were meant to be!”… Come on! Personally I never do that. I don’t like to get myself all worked up over the impossible. If a guy doesn’t fit my future, I don’t date him. Though I have to say that I went on a couple of dates with a guy who had a tattoo. I kept wondering how I could ever be seen in public with him but I decided that since people always accuse me of being too picky, I would give it a chance. What happened?…Of course he disappeared one day while I was waiting with dinner on the table as I saw him post a message on facebook that he was looking for someone to do something with that night. So what did I learn?…His tattoo should’ve said, “Don’t date me! I’m unreliable!” Clearly tiny imperfections that show up early on in people, are just indications of what may present as huge character flaws that won’t be compatible with the character flaws that I already have! In general, we should just walk away instead of forcing it to fit!…as for the guy…at least I can’t say that I didn’t try. It does go to show though, that you can’t go out with a person that you find unattractive just because people you’ve found attractive in the past have turned out to be complete jerks! Crap! There goes the ugly guy/nice guy factor! Even the ugly guys have jerk potential. Note: If someone has a tattoo that says “I went to Mexico with my girlfriend’s best friend and all she got me was this bad tattoo”, take heed! He is likely NOT the one!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

What type drives a Yellow Sport Utility?

I pulled into the gas station today. My eyes were instantly pulled toward a bright yellow sport utility with giant flames on it. I thought, “Hmm…I wonder what kind of person drives a bright yellow sport utility with flames on it?”…Out of the mini-mart came it’s owner. A guy with dress shoes, short black pants and white socks! I giggled to myself about the fact that it is so easy to spot different types of people by what they drive. Then I felt a little sad for a second. I wondered if he was happy and I felt a little bad that this poor guy had just been giggled at by me…I really didn’t have any right to laugh at him. He was probably a very nice guy. As a matter of fact, he is probably married with 2 beautiful children and had all the things I’ve always wanted but don’t have because every guy that I’ve ever found attractive happened to be driving a BMW sport utility and was likely giggling at me for driving a Volvo. Oh well…I decided that he probably wasn’t married, but what did I really know? I got in my car and drove around the gas station to exit. Would you believe that there was another bright yellow truck with lightning bolts on it?…What the heck? I hoped it wasn’t a sign from God that I’m going to be struck down for not knowing how to be attracted to regular guy’s guys. This guy had long hair in a ponytail and was wearing acid washed jeans! Again…not my type. I was certain that I was meant to learn a lesson from this. But what the heck was it? I suppose the lesson may be that there are plenty of fish in the sea…but much fewer in the chlorinated pool at the club!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Cigarette? In the Gym Parking lot?

I walked out of the gym last night, just in time to see one of the people who had just finished his workout, light up a cigarette. What?…Geez…it gave me an idea. I thought, “Yeah. I need to get that stick of butter out of my glove compartment and eat it on the way home…cause it just seems logical.”…Come on people! Do we have any sense in our heads at all? I say “we” because I have similar issues with human stupidity. I have to say that I have left the gym at times and driven straight to the store for a bag of Swedish fish, red Kool-Aid, and some twizzlers…cause they make mouths happy. We’ve already discussed my sugar issue so I needn’t say more on the suggested red dye number 5 detox topic. BUT! Cigarettes? Never! Who the heck smokes cigarettes anymore? This is more than a “gotta have it” treat after a hard workout. This is clearly an inner child issue. People feel a sense of entitlement to things they crave- especially after they’ve done some grand gesture of good….now that I mention it, that is why I feel uncomfortable allowing a guy to pay for dinner. I mean…what’s a Chicken Caesar salad worth these days? I suppose I could write him a quippy rhyme or something…cause that’s about all he’s going to get. There’s nothing like a little salad and a poem. A moment in rhyme is worth two in the bush….wait a minute…what is that saying?…I don’t think that’s it…Oh well.

Anyway…I find it absolutely crazy that people tend to be so fanatical about some things and then pay no attention to others. It proves that the human mind has the mysterious ability to sneak up and smack itself in the head and say, “Don’t worry. You can always start your diet tomorrow.”…Ok. DAY 1!…again…No smoking?…DAY 1! I’ll quit tomorrow… I’m not going to date losers! DAY 1! But he’s so hot…It’s ridiculous that we can’t control our minds a little bit better so they would stop rationalizing rational thought away. So then what can we possibly do about it?…Forget it! The harder we try to resist pulling that stick of butter out of our glove compartments, the harder our minds will work to pop some corn to put it on. Clearly humans aren’t the sharpest tools in the bed. (Crap…that one didn’t seem right either)…Oh well. I guess my point is that if we embraced what we have, and stopped wondering if there might be something better, we wouldn’t constantly lash out at ourselves by abusing our bodies with red dye number 5 while we were waiting for it. The bird in his hand is worth a Caesar salad and a diet soda...

Monday, November 9, 2009

Another love sale?

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog about the fact that I got a spam “love is on sale” email. Would you believe that I just got another one from a different site? How many of these love sales are these websites going to have? I have a feeling that all of these factory second sales are making it hard to find the real deal! Do people keep returning their “love” or are they getting a new shipment of fresh love weekly? I find it a little pathetic that there are so many single people that websites have to run sales on them to blow them out?…It actually says a lot for the way people treat their relationships these days though. They are completely disposable. Of course…they may not have been “love” at all…but who really knows what that is? If a marriage gets hard, people get a divorce…or should I say, take on a third party, get caught…and then get a divorce. If a boyfriend doesn’t like our hair, we break up with him and find someone who will! (Which, by the way, we will never find anyone who likes everything about us but many people continue the search for “perfection” while they keep one solid foot in what’s there at the moment. Ie: picking up a couple extras at a love sale or something so they don’t have to go without in the meantime!) So what exactly can you get at a love sale?…A sale means “cheap” right?…I suppose that sheds some light on why there are so many “love sales” then. Cheap “love” is extremely easy to find. The bars are lined with rows of it and those racks are stacked to the ceiling!…I can only compare this sort of love to a pair of shoes that you could find for $6 at payless. They are plastic, but they look all right for the evening if you don’t look all that closely. After a night or two out though, there’s little left of them worth hanging onto. I suppose you get what you pay for. A coupon that will get me a good deal on something that someone’s already worn once and returned to the store doesn’t seem like a bargain to me. I think I’ll continue to hold out for a one of a kind from a boutique that someone hasn’t already gotten deodorant stains on. I think that I’d be more willing to mend it if a button falls off or if I get a little tare in the hem or something.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Are we in control of any of the major decisions in life?

In passing, I saw someone on TV ask a person if he has ever had control over any of the major decisions in his life. I though that this was very interesting. Upon thinking about it, it became all too clear that trying to control your life in any way is a waste of time and energy. We can pick our job I suppose…but do we pick our careers?…Not really. I was chosen by music and performance when I was less than 5 years old. All of the tests in school that provided insight into “what you should be when you grow up” said, “musician.”…Geez…thanks a lot! Couldn’t they make a test that wasn’t skewed toward the possibility that we haven’t discovered our true potential by the age of 11 yet?…way to screw over our youth people!

We don’t control when we die. We don’t necessarily control when we have children. We don’t decide when to meet the love of our life. All of these things are completely out of our hands. So what do we have control over?…um…nothing really. We can choose the car we drive as long as we have been given the intellectual ability that allows us to have a career that will provide us the income that will afford the one we like…or else we could just drive a ford focus or something. We can choose to be happy with what we have or not and wait for the rest to fall into place. That’s the key right there! I think it is safe to assume that if we try to force something that is in the “out of our control” category, we can be sure to never have what we truly want…unless what we truly want is all materialistic and of little worth in the “quality of life and happiness” category. Whoa….wordy!…deep…apparently I ate too much sugar last night!…I’m much less playful when I eat sugar…I suppose I should know better…hee hee….

Let’s analyze what happens when we force control over any major situation:

Example 1: A girl who wants to be rich but instead of working for it, decides to go after a rich guy. If she gets him, she will never know what “love” is so the whole prospect was a waste. (hee hee…too bad!)

Example 2: A guy who wants to get married to a 22 year old supermodel and have 4 kids in his 50’s, will get her and end up with a 30 year old ex wife and 4 kids who will get to visit him on Wednesdays when they will come and ask him for money for crack that will be provided to them by Mommy’s new live in boyfriend…who is living in the original guy’s house while he lives in a 2 bedroom apartment in the next town. (if only someone could’ve seen that one coming! Heeee!)

Example 3:A woman who gives up and has a child by herself will meet the love of her life 10 minutes after she gets pregnant and he will find someone else who isn’t already pregnant to date. (note to self: don’t settle for having a child by myself even though waiting till I meet someone I can stand may end up bringing me 8 at a time with 4 heads between them!…potato/pototo!)

Example 4:A man who wants that perfect girl will only date what “looks” right to him and he will be left at the end of the evening actually dumber for it…and then he’ll end up all alone cause “he never met anyone good!” (yep…that’s cause everyone “good” thought he was a shallow fool…and the good ones were too busy not meeting anyone “good” either…tomato/tomoto!)

That’s Karma baby!…As for me…I’m going to give up on controlling anything. Clearly it will all just happen whether I want it a certain way or not. In the meantime…I’ll workout and work while everyone else that insists on micromanaging her life stresses herself out. It is no wonder that everyone looks so much older than they are and people are always complaining that they want someone younger!! No worries though…young people are far more stressed out than we are cause most of them have been raising their parents since they were 8 or 9 years old!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

So...What are we doing?

Isn’t it interesting that both men and women complain about all the same things? People just want to hang out and get to know each other without imposed “titles” placed on their relationships. The funny thing is that everyone who hates it when they are asked, “So…What are we doing?” or “What are we?” only hates it when someone they aren’t really interested in asks! When a person really likes someone, they just “are.” We forget this sometimes and try to force someone to want us, or force ourselves to want someone cause they already want us. It doesn’t ever work that way! I’ve “hung out” with guys who were so into me that I felt smothered. I have chosen to see where it goes because their interest seems to be, at the very least, flattering. Somehow a few weeks later, out of the blue, they have started being dishonest or broken up with me. I think, “um…come on! I didn’t like you long before you didn’t like me! You can’t just “Unlike” me!”… I guess I should’ve taken my own advice. When they asked me, “What are we doing?” instead of saying, “nothing. I don’t like you.” I’ve said, “let’s just take it day by day and see where it goes.” My mistake. From now on, if someone has to ask, the answer is clear. “I’m sorry. I can’t hear you. There must be a bad connection on this phone!”…(static noises…hang up…sell the house and leave town!)…cause it’s just easier that way!

Friday, November 6, 2009


I dropped my cutting board and it split completely in half. I thought, “Oh good! Now I have two!” I have this issue with almost everything. It drives people crazy sometimes. When some of my friends have huge problems, I try my best to reprogram their day by focusing on the good. Sometimes it’s a little bit of a stretch… “You have a huge zit? Oh. Well…just think of how beautiful your skin is going to look after it’s done rotting off and forms a new layer of clear skin in a few weeks! You’ll feel so pretty and youthful with all that young skin!”…Yeah…but how else can you look at it?

The funny thing is that I am really good at turning things to gold where almost everything but dating is concerned. My optimism is a tiny bit less helpful in this area…Actually…I’m pretty good with other people’s lives…but my own?…Not so much! I think it may just be something I’ve developed as a protective mechanism. If I expect the worst, then I’m pleasantly surprised when I get the best. It seems better than being disappointed by it day after day! The only problem with that is the fact that the law of attraction suggests that you get what you expect to get! Ok then: I expect to meet a 32 year old, catholic, Italian, businessman whose never been married, has no children and doesn’t lie or cheat!… ha!…Oh crap!…I negated my optimism with the uproarious laughter in my head! Oh well…I’ll work on it! I know he exists…hee hee…darn…He’s been working for Microsoft 80 hours a week and now he’s ready to meet someone…(snicker…)…aaahhh!…and the cycle continues…

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Bad Mustache for Charity!

I think it’s nice that people want to help others. That being said though: What is up with these ridiculous mustaches? Don’t people know that they never look good? A charity that forces people to look as stupid as possible may be considered a fun idea…but…I will actually pay those charities how ever much they are making for all these men with mustaches to shave them! It’s like asking women to paint a giant “I am a skank” on their faces and selling ugliness for prostitution awareness!

Oh well! I guess it’s a good thing that people are actually trying to take creative action against things that they want to change. I can only imagine the fundraiser brainstorming meeting:

Coordinator who is paid to care: We need some creative ideas for how to raise money.
Person who cares: We could sell ribbons?
Person who pretends to care : No. It’s been done.
Person whose girlfriend cares : We could purchase a bunch of baby koalas and make coats?
Person who got roped into caring: Yeah…but the animal rights people wouldn’t like that.
Person who is text messaging: We could arrest each other and have people’s loved ones raise money to get them out.
Coordinator's assistant who is paid less to care: But do you know anyone whose loved ones wouldn’t pay money for us to keep them out of their way for a while?
(guy with attention deficit disorder gets distracted)
Person with ADD: Hey Mike! You have powered sugar from that donut you just ate stuck in that mustache of yours!
Person who no longer cares: It looks ridiculous! I’ll pay you $1000 to shave it right now!

All of the members of the committee looked at each other and a huge light bulb blared over their collective heads….and that’s how the mustache fundraiser was born!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

An extra pair of shoes and a grounding adapter...that's all I need!

I find that being prepared for everything at any time, keeps me sane! I was at a party the other night and a lady walked into the rest room and noticed that she was wearing one black shoe and one blue shoe…The funny thing was that the blue one had a high wedge heal and the black one was a flat. This was actually quite funny to me. I offered her the shoes I was wearing from behind the door of the stall. She asked me what size and it turned out that there was no way that mine would’ve fit her. Even more, when I saw the shoes she was actually wearing, I more than recognized that if she wore my shoes, she would likely kill herself. Mine were a little bit higher and hers were clearly purchased at a clergy outfitter. In a way, I sort of envied hers…other than the difference in color and heal height. My feet were actually killing me after a few hours on the hard cement floor. I looked into my bag! I was pretty proud of my bag actually. A friend of mine once said, “If I ever get stranded on an Island and I’m allowed to have one thing, it would be Calia’s bag.”…It’s true. I have an extra pair of sensible shoes (and by sensible, I mean a 2 ½ inch heal instead of a 4 that I would start an evening in), a grounding adapter (you never know when you’re going to get somewhere and have only an ungrounded power supply), an extra pair of stockings, small screw drivers (cause everywhere I go, someone’s glasses always break), a needle and thread (I can actually sew buttons on the guy’s suit coats while I sing), and a toothbrush….Oh yeah…and a juice box and a piece of chicken in case I get hungry.

The night was a huge amount of fun. Every party has that girl who has a formal gown on – and giant tattoos all over her….um…honey?…Do you want to borrow my coat to cover those things up? I mean…why did she even bother doing her hair in an up do? It would’ve been fine if you had just spiked it up with dippety do and worn ripped jeans and a biker jacket. As a matter of fact, I probably wouldn’t have noticed you as being out of place at all! People were wearing their strapless dresses. Strapless is hard to pull off! Your posture has to be just right and many people who only dress up for a formal event once a year, have apparently never worn shoes before! Careful about the manly walk in a gown! I worry about these things myself. I am very careful to hold the right glass and stand and walk correctly depending on my outfit….other than the relentless jumping in high-heels!…uncool…but extremely fun!

Oh well! All in all…I like to be prepared for anything. I’m sort of the MacGyver of singers. If something needs to be reset, I can pull out my earring and reset it. If I break a heel on my shoe, I can set it with a tongue depressor and super glue. I don’t like to be caught off guard! I like to do this when I go out too. It’s best to always get ready for the day before you leave the house. You don’t want to meet “the one” and have his first and lasting impression of you to be, “Wow! What a mess!”…a good lesson to learn! ...Shoes, screwdrivers, stockings, benadryl, a good hair day ...and this lamp! That's all I need! I mean... Shoes, screwdrivers, stockings, benadryl, a good hair day, this lamp,...and a spare hard drive...That's all i need!...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Oops...Almost blew up my house...

I suppose I have an issue with not wanting to bother people…which is actually, ironically, in direct opposition to how many people I actually bother come to think of it. If I have a cough, I’ll wait until someone has to pick me up off the floor and take me in an ambulance to the emergency room. If I smell gas, I’ll wait until the house explodes to call for help. I’d hate to say I had an emergency and have it just be some silly thing…well…I had been smelling gas for quite awhile and finally decided to call the gas company. They put me through to the emergency line and sent someone right out. Apparently, it was blowing out of my gas fireplace into my house….oh…oops…Good thing I hadn’t lit that candle today for some strange reason. He turned it off and told me that I needed to contact my plumber…uh…Plumber?…I don’t think I have a plumber. Although I did have my toilet snaked out once when I accidentally flushed a disposable toilet brush head down…but I’m pretty sure that my dentist actually did that for me. (He had an issue with his son flushing matchbox cars there for awhile and owned a professional toilet snake….and note to self: “disposable” is not the same as “flushable!”)

Strangely enough, my family was never the “plumber” type. If a toilet stopped working, my father would have a custodian at school seal off the room and build a new one. We had these quirks across the board though. If a “check engine” light came on in the car, he would just cover it with duct tape. I don’t remembering it being much of a problem though. If people were getting things fixed every time a light came on, we’d all be waiting at home between the hours of 7am and 6pm every single day of our lives! I’m with my Dad on this!

Anyway…the gas leak…according to the gasman, my house could’ve gone up pretty easily at any time. Hmm…I asked if he had anyway of giving me a good timeline on this? I wasn’t worried, but I would like to get my piano, one of my favorite pair of shoes, and add a few things from my bedroom laptop to my backup computer that I keep in my trunk first. I decided to find someone to fix the fireplace instead. I was so excited to have heat again but 5 minutes after he left, both of my downstairs smoke detectors were screaming. Of course it took me about a half hour to notice cause I just thought it was the alarm on my biological clock that I have been ignoring as an annoying drone for a few years now. I should’ve known though. These smoke detectors chimed at a completely different pitch than that one. I finally got them to stop after about an hour of their relentless screaming, each one seemingly in competition with the other to get a dining room chair thrown at it!…Part of me wonders if I should just take the batteries out the next time I need heat?…but then again…maybe they were trying to tell me something?…

Maybe the lesson for me here is that alarms go off for a reason. Ignoring them and then wondering why you’re sitting in a pile of rubble playing your piano, whether you’re enjoying yourself or not, may not be the best way to take a proactive stance on the situation. Besides, I was planning on renting this house out and buying a new one with someone one day....One that had enough rooms in it so that we didn’t necessarily have to see each other every single day! …I guess the alarm could’ve just been telling me that if I do rent the house out, I should likely rent it to someone with useful, manly skills who won’t call me when he has a gas leak!…cause I’m probably not the best person to call….apparently warnings are “not the boss of me!”

Monday, November 2, 2009

No question? No Answer!

I have come up with a simple solution to a modern day problem! When receiving a text, if the person hasn’t asked a question, then no response is required. I have learned that many people just text random people when they are desperate to have a no strings connection to make them feel good in the moment. I don’t believe that this is calculated, but whether it is or not, it is obvious! There are so many broken people out there who are requiring external validation that it makes it difficult for some of us to understand why they are contacting us if they aren’t interested. We start to think that they must like us and want a connection to us. This is usually not the case at all. For the most part, they are just looking for whatever attention they can get in the moment. We can easily be fooled into thinking that someone we are seeing is into us when we are getting short bursts of correspondence from them. The thing is that if they were really into us, we would be getting more than a random sentence at the end of the evening that says, “I hope you had a good night.”…uh…I guess that means that we’re together right?…um…no. It means that the person did something else without you for the entire night and wants to make sure you go to bed thinking about them so you’re not gone someday on the off chance that you may possibly be the last person in the world to date!…So what’s the response to “I hope you had a good night!”??…The response is nothing. No question! No answer! A better text on the person’s part that would require an answer would be, “I hope you had a nice time to night! I missed you. Can we do something together tomorrow?”…Anything short of a question mark with something leading towards possibly talking in person or maybe even meeting in public should be met with no reply!…There are a few exceptions to the rule however. For example: “What are you wearing right now?”…This can be an innocent question if the person is on his way to pick you up to go to a formal event and he wants to pick up a corsage for you to match his tie….If it is a random text at 3 in the morning, this is the exception to the question mark response rule.

U B4 me - X-ept after 3

…The way I like to handle this one is to simply wait to respond to it until the next day at around 7am with a polite, “I’m wearing sweatpants and I’m on my way to the gym! What are you up to?”…You will find that unless the person is really interested in getting to know you, he will have little interest in knowing what you’re wearing while he’s asleep.

Following this simple question mark rule when corresponding through text only (since the person is likely afraid of intimacy or quite possibly already dating someone else), will make your life a lot easier. You won’t waste an incredible amount of time trying to figure out if that person is interested in you. They aren’t! They likely won’t ever be! They think that their mother would like you and they probably should like you too! But THEY DON”T! oh well…no question! No answer! “Do you like me?”…ah the question! “eh…you’re better than nothing I guess…”

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Leave something unsaid...

There’s something to be said about not having the last word. I have noticed that I have this issue. It’s not that I’m compelled to one-up everyone, it’s just that sometimes people set up a joke for me so perfectly, that I can’t resist the next line. It just seems logical to me and somehow comes out more quickly than my brain can stop it! I was thinking about the fact that I have this issue in all areas of my life. If I open a box of cookies, I can’t eat one cookie. I need to finish the box and throw it away in one sitting. I don’t like anything left “open.”

I have a friend who can open a bag of M&M’s and eat one and fold it back up and put it away for later….OH MY GOD!…even thinking about that makes me nervous! How could one M&M do anything for anyone? Is she freakin’ kidding me?…One taste of an M&M would have me driving to the store for another bag so that when the bag I was eating on the way was gone, it wouldn’t leave me wanting more! Needing more, or a lot of something provides the end of the story…or at least I’ll pass out once I get too tired to eat anymore of my endless supply of M&M’s (cause I have my driver’s license and stores are open 24 hours a day! It leaves endless possibilities unless there’s a state of emergency or something!) In fact…that’s why they are called M&M’s…you never hear anyone say “Hey, Pass me an M.”…even more, I have a feeling that it is a bag of M’s that you are meant to just eat all in one sitting. Possibly to be clear, they should just melt them together into a bar so people aren’t confused. My poor friend who thinks that one ‘M’ is the proper etiquette would finally be clear. You don’t just eat half of a candy bar…though I think it may have a suggested serving size written on it…a candy bar is likely 7 or 8 servings in the scheme of the food pyramid with Chocolate being at the top of it. The strange thing is that I’m not even a chocolate person. So many women crave it. Not me. I suppose I crave “a lot” of something…I just have no idea what that something is. (don’t tell anyone, but I suspect they call it Obsessive…whatever though. You don’t die of anything until you’re diagnosed with it!)

Oops…Apparently I got hungry during this entry and started rambling about food. I guess what I was talking about was allowing other people to have the “joke.”…I know…sometimes they aren’t quite as funny as the one that could come right after theirs... but…I should just say it in my head once in awhile. My laughter might even help to show the other person that they made a funny and stroke their ego! I’m going to try it. Especially with guys! The funny girl never gets the guy! I’m going to just smile and giggle at their jokes so they feel appreciated. Being too “with it” as a girl, sometimes is a huge turnoff!…Starting now, I’m going to play “without it!”….As a guy told me once, “I don’t need a smart girl. I could always read a book later or something!”…(another reason why I’m building an ark…)