Dressing like someone cares!

So…I had this strange thing happen yesterday. I was getting ready for my day…you know....packing up some lunch, making the bed, blow drying my hair…etc…The earlier I wake up, the more fun stuff I find to do around the house. I noticed a cobweb on my bathroom ceiling so I stood on the toilet and reached across to the area in the corner above the sink. As I was stretched across the window area, I noticed the neighbor watching me through his window. Darn!... Of course I was completely naked and totally forgot that the upper part of the window isn’t fogged over. Let this be a lesson to me! I really have to be more careful! Did you ever notice (or maybe it’s just me), that when you live alone, you tend to get dressed all out of order? I put on my clothes just before I leave the house. When I was a kid, I seem to remember my parents being dressed before either of them ever left the bathroom in the morning. I get a little worried once in a while, that I’m going to forget and take the garbage out or something. That would be embarrassing! Remember that episode of Seinfeld about the girl who was always naked? Well…there’s good naked and there’s bad naked…I’m assuming that standing on your toilet, stretched across the room with your arm to the ceiling has got to be a “bad naked”!

What did I learn from this?...well…most likely…the wrong thing! I’m going to put a note on my door for when I’m taking the garbage out that says “STOP! CHECK TO MAKE SURE YOU’RE WEARING CLOTHES!” That should help!...other than that, I learned that if I was applying the tips in “The Secret”, I’m doing it all wrong! That book even said that I should clear out half my closet and leave room for my “perfect partner!”...and come to think of it, judging from my taste in men, my "perfect partner" is probably already in the closet! ...and when I meet him, shouldn’t we buy a house that has enough closet space for both of us? Clearly, if he moved in here, we’d have to get one of those “pod- storage” things in order to keep his things outside! Darn it!... Oh well…baby steps! I suppose we can start by getting dressed before we dust the ceiling next time!

Oops…Late to work today…

I was a half hour late to work today…oops…I was picking out the perfect earrings! I worked out and had an amazing morning. The top I put on was such a great color of blue that I couldn’t slight in the accessories department! I actually have to pat myself on the back though. Usually I am an hour early everywhere and then wonder where everyone is? Good for me!

So my boss came up to me and said “Where were you this morning? I was able to get 3 children and a husband out the door for school and still make it here on time!”…I smiled and said, “Whoa…That sounds like a lot of work! … What do you think of my earrings?”

What’s up with that?

I was driving down the street today and noticed a man getting out of his Mercedes wearing a hard-hat carrying a cup of coffee in his hand…that’s all I have to say about that…

Wait…no. I guess it isn’t. Over the years, I have often played a little game with myself that I like to call, “I wonder what they are doing in there?” I would drive by people's houses and picture what sort of people lived in them and make little scenarios about what they were doing inside. I do tend to have things figured out quite often though I have never gotten up the guts to actually break into the houses to find out if my assessments are correct. (Mainly because I’m usually wearing a gown and heels when I’m driving by and it seems somehow inappropriate to break and enter in that sort of attire. Of course I have seen many a girl wearing a beautiful wedding dress as she drank beer from a bottle…breaking and entering seems far less extreme- especially since that memory won’t be saved for posterity forever in a photo album that the girl’s 3rd husband will likely make her burn when she says “till death do us part” …again….to him one day)…oops…there I go again- holding back my opinions. People keep saying, “Calia! You need to learn to express yourself. You can’t keep it all bottled up inside or you’re likely to die of a stress related illness!”…They’re right you know!

Anyway…The man wearing the wedding gown with the beer bottle in his hand getting out of his Mercedes….um…I mean the man wearing the wedding gown with a hard hat getting out of his Mercedes…No. You know what I mean!…Where was he going? Hardhat areas hardly occupy the pretentious. (and don’t get me wrong about pretentious- I love Mercedes…but they aren’t exactly cheap and require a certain taste when purchasing) I wanted to follow him for one of my episodes of “I wonder what they are doing in there?” but I didn’t feel like waiting around so I wrote one in my head instead!

What are they doing in there? Episode: Hard-hat Man in Mercedes

lights fade to evening…Calia in floor length gown, brings her car to a stop around the corner from where the man just pulled his Mercedes into the garage

The lights flip on in the kitchen in front of the house as Calia runs between trees to get around back. She sneaks up to the picture window that is just above ground level and peers into a dark living room. She notices shadows of people talking in the next room dancing across the wall but she can’t hear the conversation.She bolts to a door around the side of the house and it is luckily unlocked. She slips into the back of a garage area to get closer in time to hear about the hard-hat guy’s day.

Hard-hat guy: Your car seems fine to me! I don’t think you need a new one.

Dainty wife: But didn’t you hear the clicking from the glove compartment at high speeds?

Hard-hat guy: Yeah. But I just turned up the radio.

His wife starts to throw a temper tantrum but her words are unintelligible through her screams of discontent. Calia unhinges the door into the living room and quietly slips closer to the action inside the house.

Dainty wife: You are such a piece of loser crap. I want a new one.

Hard-hat guy: Honey. We can’t afford a new one. I’m working as hard as we can.

Dainty wife: (muttering through tears) You could get another job!

Hard-hat guy: Me? What did you do today? Your nails?

hard-hat guy realizes that his question was probably not going to be taken in the way he meant it…well…Actually he was quite certain that his question would be taken in the way he meant it but definitely did not want to get into that argument right now since the take out he had in his hand was getting cold!

Hard-hat guy: I mean…Your nails look really nice.

Dainty wife: (screaming as she slaps the food from his hand) I DIDN’T sign up for this!

Just then he steps into the living room and flips on the light to see Calia standing in the corner. She froze as though she was a lamp. This was not a great disguise at this time, but it was the best she could do on short notice.

Hard-hat guy: What the?

The screaming and crying in the next room was getting louder as it came towards the room where a baffled hard-hat guy and paralyzed Calia stood.
The dainty insane wife enters!

Calia: (thinking on her feet) Hi! Shoot! I think we ruined the surprise. Oh well! Here goes.

Calia starts to sing:

For my one and only you

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do

Each day just leaves me wanting more

So come with me to the jewelry store

Calia: (turning to the extremely confused man) This is the part we practiced where you get down on one knee!

Hard-hat guy does it cause he has no idea what is going on!

Calia sings: I love you my beautiful girl! (She turns slowly towards the door before their faces lose their blank stares. She steps into the garage, shuts the door and bolts to her car!)
It was a clean get away! Thank God for comfortable shoes!)

Lights fade back to reality and Calia is driving without incident to her original destination!

I bounced back into reality about a mile up the street and found myself giggling at my adventure. What had I learned from this? Well...I need to stop drinking coffee! Clearly these attention deficit hallucinations are becoming a little bit out of control. The other thing I learned is that breaking into someone’s house to find out what they are doing could potentially get me into trouble. Good thing I ran a dry run to weigh out the possible areas where the plan could go wrong! Note to self: when breaking and entering in the future, take a lampshade to wear for the lamp disguise. This will really make things less awkward!

Day 1!

Isn’t interesting how so many people try to start new things after the holidays! It’s the resolution phase. I was at the gym today and it was packed! I assumed that most of those people had new memberships and were starting a new routine…then I was sure of it when I saw two women walking out of the men’s locker room. I’ve always worked out so this isn’t necessarily an issue for me though I can relate to the feeling in the morning of knowing that things are going to change…and then the feeling in the evening of knowing you can start over again tomorrow!…I call it “DAY 1.” The day 1 concept is one great way of justifying all of your actions. We can push off nearly anything by using it. It’s extremely useful and utterly useless at the same time. I love the diet that we start on a Friday and then when we get home from work, decide that there might be a reason to eat (ie: a party, family coming over, a holiday, a good movie, we feel like it!). Usually this one is well justified and the original plan is easily pushed off to buy yourself a couple more days to be able to start fresh on Monday. The only trouble is that on Monday, the lunch on the girl’s plate next to you looks so good that Tuesday is a better day to start!

We all do this. It’s a great way to ease our minds to believe that we are doing the “right thing!” This method is used in all areas of our lives. I’ve heard it where divorce is concerned too. People say that they want to stay together for the kids….next thing you know, they are saying that they needed to separate for the kids because they need to see what a healthy relationship looks like. We really just rationalize our actions to make ourselves feel better about where we are at any given moment. Single people like to say that they prefer being single (thank God, cause if they didn’t, they’d be miserable), married people say they prefer being married (feeewwww…other than the guys who often tell me that their marriage has been over for a long time…”but don’t tell my wife that I said so!”), heavy people prefer to have curves (until they lose weight and say that they had struggled with weight their entire life and now feel healthy and energetic for the first time in their life!), ugly people are happy not to have all the common struggles of the beautiful people (and by struggles, they mean being popular with other beautiful people!)…Well! It’s a darn good thing that we are all so happy and well adjusted to our own personal situations, cause if not, everyone would be in therapy!…I’m glad I don’t need therapy cause I have this blog to keep me sane.

Sample Blog:

Monday: Day 1

Today is going to be a great day! I can tell that I’m ready to go on my diet and my food is completely under control. The gym is awaiting my arrival and I know that this is the start of something great!

Tuesday: Day 1

Today is going to be the best day ever. I didn’t make it to the gym last night cause I went to dinner at the Chinese buffet- alone…and had to stop off at the movie theatre for the “all you can eat Popcorn” special and eat it all in the parking lot so I could go back in for a refill before I went home. I know that today is going to be the start of my new diet. This is a great day!

Wednesday: Day 1!

What a day I have planned. I’m going to go to the gym for the first day. It seems like such a great start to my new resolution. I woke up feeling energetic and excited. I ate chocolate cake and watched a movie last night because my friend came over. We had such a nice time talking and eating that I didn’t make it to the gym. It is truly the start of something great! Today is the day…

Oh well…Maybe this isn’t what my blog tends to look like, but it does color life in a new shade. My friend always says “color me happy!”…Is that because she needs to be convinced that she is indeed happy and is expressing it, or that she needs to be colored that way to distract from what’s under the fresh coat of happiness painted on? I think that I am going to color myself “not on a diet” so I can stop breaking it! Day 1: No diet! Day 2: I didn’t do a diet yesterday. Day 3: Color me happy! Yesterday I ate when I was hungry instead of like a wild animal that hadn’t eaten in…well…2 1/2 hours! Day 4: Color me wearing my favorite skinny jeans!

Do these girls make me look old?

What is going on with men and much younger women? I suppose I understand that sometimes we need to surround ourselves with youth in order to regain our own. But…Every smart woman knows that when you put on a little weight, you don’t want to squeeze into your skinny jeans. It’s best to wear your pants a little looser in order to hide the fact that you are a little bigger! Men! You need you wear your women a little looser…wait…I mean older!

… Do these girls make me look old?…No. Absolutely not! You and your great granddaughters look really cute at your birthday party! How old are you now? 115? You look great for your age!

I had a guy try to have me thrown out of the country club last weekend because I didn’t laugh at his joke…well…actually I told him that it sucked but that is a story for another time!…On my behalf, I have to say that the joke did suck. Anyway…he left his much younger date on the porch to fend for herself amongst the country club set. Clearly she wasn’t going to fit in but apparently that didn’t matter cause he wanted to be sure to gain my respect by telling me that he had had it with me insulting him. This was clearly a bad idea on his part cause dragging me around a country club demanding respect while acting like a whiny, weasely, spoiled brat isn’t going to get you the reaction your looking for. He told me sternly that I had embarrassed him before at a party when some older doctor had suggested that he and I would make a good couple and I replied, “No. I’m sorry. He’s too old for me.”…what?…My answer to him was simple…again I said, “yeah. You are.”…The steam came out of his ears! Why can’t I seem to get this right? Darn it Calia! I need to practice lying to guys in front of the mirror. “Oh my goodness sir! I’m so sorry you felt that way. What I meant was, since you are 15 years older than me and clearly the master of your domain in your all-knowing omnipotent being, I would never be good enough for you. You are also way too tall for me too as I like guys who are under 4 and a half feet tall and you are nearly 5’3’.” There!…is that better? Needless to say I didn’t fix anything. He followed me around the country club and when I turned around, his head was practically lined up with my neck and he said, “You aren’t respecting me!” I burst into laughter and said, “If I am bothering you, walk away from me.” He smoothly said, “I’m not walking away. You walk away.”…I replied nonchalantly, “okay.” And turned away from him and walked off.

Crazy People Don’t Age?

I was watching this lady while I sang the other night. She has to be at least 15 years older than I am and she is absolutely beautiful and young looking still. I remember her from way back and she has a 25-year-old daughter. She was always very “excited”. Everyone knows that she is as close to insane as a person can be without being locked away…Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure she’s spent a weekend or two convincing some unassuming doctors that she was sane. I’m sure that they just let her out because she was smokin’ hot and they probably weren’t allowed to date their patients…and their wives likely wouldn’t want them to either. I realized that the crazier you are, the more likely it is that you will not physically age. It makes me really believe that not worrying about anything stops the clock. Personally, I have made it a practice of not trying to worry about anything that I can’t change in the past. I remember kicking a rock as a child and accidentally hitting a car with it. Boy! My Dad was mad at me. It was a Vintage Black something or other…I don’t know what…because I was about 9 years old. I think my Dad wanted me to be more sorry than I was. I was sorry…but I wasn’t sure how to go back and undo the pebble kick. I guess I don’t really know what he wanted me to say but “oops. Sorry”, wasn’t exactly what he was looking for. I should go back and make sure that car is okay…although I’m quite sure that the owner has long since passed away worrying about the little pebble ding in the fender. “Oops…Sorry.”

I know that the definition of “crazy” is “doing something over and over again and expecting different results.” I suppose I’m not crazy enough to look like I’m still 9 years old though I have always closely monitored the perimeter when I’ve kicked pebbles since. It’s okay though. I really don’t worry about anything anymore. I always get a last minute pardon in every instance, so worrying along the way is an aging, fruitless attempt at beating myself up over the past. I have no need to do so. If I could figure out how to build a time machine though, I suppose I could try to go back and unkick the rock, undate the narcissist, unlike the girl in college who didn’t care for me because she was worried that I might have a better singing voice, unthink that I wasn’t good enough for guys who clearly weren’t good enough for me even though they spent most of their time trying to convince me that I wasn’t…hmm…Interesting! I can’t, I learned from them, I do but don’t care, I am and they aren’t! Great! No time machine necessary. But if I ever do complete this time machine that I’m working on, I would like to give each of those people the opportunity to take a ride in it back in time to figure out what they may have had in their past that made them feel like it was necessary to make everyone in their future feel like they weren’t as good as them instead of allowing them to flourish by their own right!…But when they get back, I’ll likely be in a different part of town where people knew each other’s worth all along!

So many people spend their lives trying to convince people who don’t want to be a positive force in their lives that they should like them while looking through the hearts of the people who already recognize and appreciate them to begin with. I don’t need to prove anything. I’ve stopped worrying about those people who will never get me anyway. Crazy town is for the youthful and happy!…Besides…though I’m pretty good with electronics, I usually get so excited when something powers up, I start it up even though I have all sorts of parts left over. That time machine will likely explode upon re-entry! I wouldn’t ride in that thing! – Too risky!

Merry Christmas (fill in your name here)

I find it a little odd that texting has made life so impersonal. I can’t tell you how many text messages I received today that had obviously been sent to everyone in the cell phone’s address book. “You are so important to me. Have a very Merry Christmas.”, “When I think about the time we’ve spent together, I laugh!”,…”Happy (insert the holiday you celebrate here!)”…I suppose it’s no different than sending out multiple Christmas cards or letters? That’s perfectly acceptable. People have a group of friends that mean something to them and everyone gets one. One person even stopped me on the way out of work yesterday. He said, “Wait! I have a card for you!”…He dug around in his bag and pulled out an atheist holiday greeting card with a peace sign on the front. I opened it up to find that it was completely unsigned. He was right. It was indeed a card. For me?…Probably not, though it was mine now. Good thing too. I had been looking for something to give to that atheist on my Christmas list.

Oh well…I suppose that no one views life exactly how I do. I understand that my old-fashioned thoughts leave me believing in people and the meaning of the holidays in such a way that many would be taken back by my naivety. I guess I’m all right with that. I’m not much into the materialistic/commercial meaning of Christmas. I like to make things for people that mean something to them. I know that some people don’t have that flare for creativity and likely couldn’t write a song or draw a painting. But how about a card with a signature in it? Or even a text that hasn’t obviously been copied from a “How to make people think you care about them at the holidays with little or no personal thought of your own” handbook?

Dear (name), I love the way your (blonde/brown/red) hair sparkles in the light. I remember the time we (insert memory you may have of me here). It was really (fun/imaginative/scary). Thank you for being (a friend, an acquaintance/a business partner). I look forward to (never seeing you again/getting together over the holidays/a lifelong friendship/getting to know you better/having children with you.) Sincerely, Me

I Can't Stand Errands!

There is something so annoying about doing errands. I have friends who will spend the day running all over town doing little annoying things. I have never been someone who enjoyed this. I like to maximize my time and having to go out and stop here or there for things is an incredible waste of it in my eyes. I suppose that’s why they invented Wal-Mart…though I never go there either. (It’s not that I don’t want to go there, I just don’t want to go there!) …I will actually map out a route in my mind while I’m working out, that will take the least amount of time out of my day to do things I don’t enjoy. For instance: If I have a break during work, I would rather run out and get groceries during that time while I eat a powerbar or something instead of socializing. It’s not that I don’t want to socialize though. I would just rather not have something hanging over my head while I’m doing it. If I could work out a deal at work to not have any breaks at all, I would be done by 1 in the afternoon! This would allow me to run free! I guess that would still leave me the burden of having to get groceries but I could do it right then and get on to the good stuff soon after. Also…if amazon didn’t deliver toilet paper, I wouldn’t have any. A friend of mine told me that she used to spend the weekend “doing laundry.”…um…what exactly was she doing to it? Was she taking it for a walk around town? In my house, laundry goes in the machine before cardio, gets transferred to the dryer after cardio then folded after abs, weights and shower. Done! Obviously I have little routines that are likely completely adapted to doing what I want when I want! (and we wonder why I’m single?) I came into my house the other day to find my Rubik’s cube messed up. Of course I had to put the puzzle back in order and set it back where it belonged before I took my coat off!…and who the heck messed it up? I need to start locking my doors. I bet it was that crazy guy who stole my garbage can. Note to self: check basement for bodies.

I went to the post office today. It was unbelievable. The line wrapped around the place and out the door. Of course it is the holiday season so I suppose that it’s typical. Everyone was standing in silence. I thought, “Hmm…that’s weird. I wonder if this is like the elevator rule where you have to pretend that there is no one standing next to you?”…Well! Not today! I struck up a conversation with everyone. Everyone in the place was laughing and talking by the time I left (about an hour later). Maybe people don’t really know what the rules are when it comes to this stuff (or maybe it’s just me who doesn’t and it will be the new definition of “going postal”). I know that some people don’t like it when people talk to them on an airplane either. I try to be friendly but I definitely don’t want to talk away an entire flight. I have music that needs listening to. Again…I don’t know what the rules are. I was thinking about that actually. There are a whole list of places that you are supposed to ignore the person next to you: The gym, an elevator, an airplane, the post office, you aren’t supposed to make eye contact walking down the streets of NYC…modern day marriages…It’s actually too bad that people have become so set in their own lives that there isn’t room for being neighborly. I’m going to try making a difference today by smiling and saying hello to a random stranger on the street! That person might think I’m crazy (or shoot me for that matter), but I have a feeling that someone will find it refreshing and wish they had thought of it first (not shooting me…I’m sure that someone’s long thought of that…oh well)!

So what am I going to do about the age-old errand issue? Personally, I like to save time by driving an hour out of town to do them so I don’t feel as though I need to stop and talk to people along the way. You may think that sounds a little twisted but you’d be surprised how much time is saved when you don’t know anyone….of course if I’m going to start to strike up conversations with strangers, my plan goes out the window…but at least I’ll have a nice long car ride with great music and the peacefulness of my own frantic crazy thoughts! Ahhh! That’s living!

The Morning Circus!

I was driving to work today as I noticed the theatrical event that was taking place around me. People definitely have their routines in the morning!…Of course mine is likely different than most people’s: light some candles, workout, listen to music, jump around…giggle, jump around…take a 2 minute shower, blow dry my hair, throw on a cute dress and jump in the car and drive off to work! Fun! Well- On this particular day, if I had ever questioned whether or not my life is a little more carefree than most, I was well awakened to that fact! One lady was turning around in her seat to slap her children in the back seat where one of the young children was crying and screaming. I thought, “hmm. Now that’s relaxing!”…A guy in the car at the light next to me had a cup of coffee in one hand and a cell phone in the other. I wondered if I would ever get to that point where I would run out of time in the morning to the point of having to eat or drink in my car. I’ve never been a fan of this. It’s not that I’m worried about getting my car dirty (though I would rather not…and come to think of it, I even have a second set of floor mats in case the ones in the car get dirty and I don’t have time to clean and armor all them). It’s more about the fact that I’ve never really learned to eat to for sustenance. I eat because I love food, and eating on the run seems like a horrible waste of calories. Oh well…that’s something I’m working on!…but on my behalf, food is really good!…Anyway…I kept blasting my techno as orchestration to the scene I was watching as it unfolded around me at 140bpm. I noticed the lady in my rear view mirror putting on mascara. Very interesting! I suddenly didn’t feel as though driving this early in the morning was very safe as I was quite certain that there is no law about using hands-free mascara… or hands-free backseat child beating for that matter!

The ride was only about 10 minutes for me and it was such a stress free event. The ponytail guy with the cigarette hanging out of his mouth…the cowboy hat guy wearing nothing but boxers walking out to get the paper from the porch…the woman in her bathrobe, shivering at the bus stop with 6 children… the child running… across the…oops…street…(feewww…My brakes work. That’s good to know.) I continued be an observer from inside the morning movie that was playing around me. I have to say that I’m pretty happy to have my life. It’s pretty organized and allows for a huge amount of fun to be had simply by observing others. Of course these other people clearly have a lot more going on than I do, but for now, I’m cool with that.

What are our priorities?

I was driving down a back road yesterday as my eyes were drawn to a massive satellite dish in the front yard of a shack. What the heck? I wondered what it was for. Could it have really been just for cable?…or was it bringing food and shelter to these backwards sticks dwellers? Clearly its “throw a coat of paint on the shack” function wasn’t working properly. I pictured who might have lived there. I imagined a mother, a father/brother, and a dog. There’s always a dog in houses with satellite dishes for some reason. I suppose it could be because the dog needs to be there to read the directions on the ramen noodles by the glow of the big game on the wide screen television for their owners? …oh well…I suppose I’ll never really know the answer to that age old question.

We all have our own priorities. I’m sure that these people with the satellite dishes probably don’t have recording studios or ask for midi cords or audio samples for their Birthdays. Maybe they are happier that way. It’s interesting to see how simple life can be if we allow it to be. Those people don’t put pressure on themselves to do what society thinks that they should do- like for instance…take their underwear off the clothes line that is draped from the house to the telephone pole above their pickup truck…

I think there’s a lesson to be learned from the satellite dish people and I’m definitely going to take this evening to learn it! – I’m going to figure out how to run a line off of their dish to an FM transmitter in order to stream their cable to my IP address on my computer…cause I like to keep life simple! Ah…I love life’s little lessons!

Turn the day into a happy one!

I love getting up in the dark and jumping around to loud music with a great beat! I know that some people don’t understand the high of physical fitness…BUT…everyone should try it sometime. It makes me feel like a little kid dangling my legs on a swing set on a summer evening! There is no trouble too large to be solved temporarily by a slamming workout!

I woke up early today with the weight of the world on my shoulders…yeah…I know…that’s not like me…but I had cut the side of my hand on the inside of a computer while I was re-building it and it looked as though my dream of a future as a hand model had been badly gashed. I mean…why the heck are the insides of computers made out of a series of what seem to be exacto knives?…I cut my hands on nearly a daily basis!…Now I know that many people who read this have long tuned me out unless they’ve torn a computer down to bare bones before, so I’ll help you….blah, blah…blah…blah…hand…ouch! Oh well! I lit some candles and turned on my ipod for my morning bounce! It was such an amazing feeling. The songs went from one to the next with each one getting a little faster and driving! I love that. I felt like I could giggle and jump around all day.

I suppose my point about this is, if there is one…is that a day can be easily ruined by fleeting thoughts about our lifelong dreams never being realized, but it is our choice to shift the energy to something that makes us happy in that moment or not! Mine is fitness and music. If I had decided to wallow in that moment, I would’ve chosen not to turn on the music and my entire day would’ve continued to suck! Weigh out the options: allow a bad day to turn worse? Or choose to turn it into a happy day by hand? - You decide!

Ah! Home, Crap, Home!

I opened my cupboard today looking for…well…nothing really…It was one of those grazing type moments. I walked by the cupboard on the way to the studio…um…let’s see, I know…I’ll open it and see if a leprechaun pops out and offers me a pot o’ gold…or a sandwich… Clearly I had no fixings for sandwiches. When people come over, usually all they can find to eat is eggs and chicken. No bread, no chips, …virtually nothing that anybody wants!…Come to think of it, if I didn’t know that the reason that I keep it out of the house was because I would eat it all myself, I would think that I kept the cupboards bare so no one ever comes over and moves my things out of place! It’s not true though. Although I should likely think about the possible connection! The only time anyone ever comes over is when they need their computer fixed or a bluetooth paired. Hmm…Oh well! I always just thought it was me. Possibly it’s just the lack of food in the fridge. Anyway…I opened the cupboard (I apologize for the attention deficit hallucination!)… I had a 2-pound bag of un-popped popcorn in there. I stress the word “had” due to the fact that I now “have” 2 pounds of un-popped popcorn on the floor in my kitchen compliments of Mr. Mouse! I stood there laughing as the endless waterfall of popcorn poured out everywhere. I think this is absolutely hilarious. My life went into slow motion as the ripped bag tipped and started pouring, first to the next shelf, then to the counter and as I slow-ly re-ach-ed to-ward the-bag and the bot-tom flipped- up –in-the -air, I just closed my eyes and listened to the bouncing PC hitting the floor like hail tapping against the windows and ground outside on a fall evening!…hee hee….I just waited for it to stop while I laughed uncontrollably and then left the room. What? You didn’t think that was the end of the story?…well! Though I’m certain that’s not the end of the story, I am most definitely writing this in the middle of it! What else was I going to do? It was a moment of pure inspirational magic.

A friend once asked me what I do when I get water in the basement. I looked at her with a confused expression on my face and replied, “I close the door and go upstairs!”…duh! It appears that though I am self-reflective by nature, I have an interesting balance of not allowing things that are out of my control to bother me. I suppose this could be the opposite of the type of woman who will sit in therapy digging through the wrong doings of the people in her childhood to figure out why she is the way she is now. I sort of think that though there is merit to cleaning out the closets, we are who we are whether we know why or not! I could choose to learn from my experiences by acknowledging them…like for example: I won’t open the cupboard when I’m not hungry again…or I could go out and clear the popcorn off the floor, the cupboards, the counter, under the refrigerator,…oops…out of my sports bra…BUT, I don’t have to dwell on them and allow them to take over my life. We are all right here in this moment for whatever reason. I will likely be slipping on popcorn for the next few months. Each time I slip, I’m going to giggle all over again! Cause that’s the kind of girl I am! You tell me – who’s happier? The girl who will likely never finish therapy, or the girl who can laugh at herself and simply have to remember to wear shoes in the house from now on!

That’s not in your character!

I find it very interesting that people form opinions about others from what they have in their own mind of who they should be!…I’ll elaborate: When Friday comes along, I do a fun little joke striptease for the secretaries in my office. It brightens their day. It’s not like I take anything off and it is clearly nothing sexy by any means…it’s just a joke that sets up a fun weekend. Well! …I was telling a guy I know about it and his reaction was that of utter horror…or should I say “utter whore!”…He said with a judgmental tone, “That’s interesting. It just seems out of your character. I can’t believe you would do that!”…um…Has he met my character? I have a degree in theatre. Which character is it of which he speaks?… It wasn’t as though a singing joke striptease with tae bo moves and a time step was exactly provocative! AND- it was definitely in my character!

I pondered this issue. Was my dating out of alignment due to the fact that many people at my age already have their lives in order to the extent of having everything (other than that final piece of the puzzle) the way they want it? Does this force us to try to fit someone into our already pre-made lives instead of meeting someone and syncing up as individuals who have chemistry? In this case, he clearly was looking for his idea of a perfect woman. One who would do a joke striptease isn’t her…but one who would do a joke striptease may be able to be changed into one who wouldn’t do one…but “he’s not judging!” Don’t get me wrong here…women do this too! I have definitely taken guys out of the running the first time I’ve met them for taking part in behavior that I am not into…ie: a guy dancing with a table number or his tie on his head while he is drunk at a party! – I find this extremely uncool. Come to think of it, I don’t think I can take my own advice on this one. I cannot date the tie on his head, drunk guy! There is no redeeming himself in my eyes after that. I’m sure there are plenty of girls who want to date the life of the party. Personally, I prefer the friendly, family loving, stick in the mud!... I suppose that I have my life the way I like it, though I still leave room for a chance at a start. I’m not looking to find someone and move him into my house or become his secretary in his business. I sort of have a picture of building a life with someone instead. Possibly that’s why I like guys who haven’t already established themselves in a set future. I would really like the opportunity to grow together and not just be molded to fit.

So what role would the guy I want to be with want “my character” to be?…Hopefully he will take the time to find out what my character already is before he decides whether or not his and mine can co-star in the same act together! We could all learn a lesson from this. Sometimes what we think we need for ourselves isn’t exactly what is best for us. Maybe he would’ve benefited from spending a little time with my bouncy, un-sexy striptease self who tap dances and giggles a little too much!…or maybe I could benefit from spending time with the guy with the tie on his head??…um…no thank you!…the tie does not belong on your head…but it is worth opening my mind once in awhile!

The Self-Pity Trilogy

I have recently been receiving daily depressing emails from a family member. I’m not sure what the point is as they contain things like, “You are so lucky that you have no life and that you are alone…”, “I have canceled Christmas”, “I will just sit here and wait to die!”…um…nice! Thanks for sharing. I didn’t respond to the first email due to the fact that it was clearly a collage of angry sentiment meant to start my day off in a negative way. There was really nothing I could say in response. Two days later, I received another one reiterating all of the negativity of the first. It was probably meant to make me feel better…um…nope…guess not!…I did respond to that one by focusing on the lucky things that she had experienced out of the situation. Done right?…nah…another one showed up in the early hours of the morning. This time she decided to talk about how I had misinterpreted all of the negative things, reiterate them all again, and then attack me for not caring about her and having better things to do due to the fact that I clearly hadn’t even bothered to contact her during her struggle. She signed it, “Merry Christmas”, and a list of names I’ve never heard before. She doesn’t have children so I’m assuming a few of the names were dogs, cats, fish, etc…not sure. All I know is that I need to remake my Christmas cards. I’m going to sign them, Love Calia, Marley (my piano), Anastasia (my couch), Ellie (my kitchen table), Andrew (my refrigerator), Zelda (my block of cheese…oops…take Zelda off the list. I just ate her!)…Anyway…I responded to her again…because I’M AN IDIOT! I again did not address the nasty things she had said to me because clearly she had made it her job this holiday season to get me to kill myself! Thanks! What is family for right?

I have to wonder what is wrong with people. Is there something in them that makes them want to hurt the people around them for fear that someone may be happier than them? I worked retail back in the day during my undergrad. Customers would come up to me to yell at me about socks…long lines…my hair…whatever they felt like being annoyed about. I’d just giggle as though I didn’t know they weren’t being playful with me. By the way…this really makes people very angry! Who knew? Hee hee…I still think it’s hilarious actually. I can never figure out what good it does to complain about things. I really think that sometimes people just like to hear themselves talk! It doesn’t seem worth it to me. I can hear myself talk anytime. I even have a little recorder in my car for random thoughts that may amuse me from time to time! So maybe I should send an email out to everyone myself.

Dear Everyone,

I am officially canceling “Be A Nasty Bitch Day” this year! I apologize to anyone this may affect in a negative light, but unfortunately life is all about me and the ground I walk on. Please take the time to reflect on everything miserable in your own life and then email it to yourself. This way you can soak up the joy it causes you to wallow in self-pity while I flit around with virtually no stressors in my life other than figuring out how to further your quest for perfection in the area of imperfection. At this time, we ask that you walk into your living room and take notice of everything that is out of place and get really angry about it. When you are finished, walk into the bathroom and stuff a towel in your toilet and flush it. …Ah! That’s nice isn’t it? If you haven’t realized all of your goals and ambitions of making yourself truly miserable by now, proceed to your car and slip it out of gear on a hill facing your house. This should definitely bring you to the pinnacle of your success that you have dreamed of for so long for now!

Sincerely,

Calia, Marley, Anastasia, Ellie, Andrew, & Zelda

P.S. For additional joy, try poking your eyes out! I think you will find this personally satisfying!

Maybe I don’t follow the rules?

For some reason the rules are really hard for me to follow. It’s not like I don’t try, it’s just that they always come out different in my mind. I can hear the professor’s voice ringing in my hear… “Calia? Was there really a video with a skit required in my rubric in the computer science department?”…Um yes?…the teacher would reply, “okay then. I guess everyone else got it wrong then.”…The funny thing is that on most occasions, the teacher liked my way around the dry version of the material! I turned in a project for one of my master’s classes a month early one time. The teacher showed the class. It was laminated with original recorded audio chips that synced on buttons to the demographics of the social economic class that the portion of the project was talking about (duh…of course it was)…A girl in the class looked at me and jokingly said, “I’m gonna tell everyone that the singer is a geek!” …Oh. Everyone didn’t know that already? Interesting. It’s funny how we think people see us? The class laughed about the fact that they actually had to do more work on their projects than required now that the first one had been turned in and set a precedent. Well…that’s what they call me “Raising the bar Roze!” (they don’t really call me that…I completely made that up!…) oh well…They all started talking to me again after I let them use my recording studio for their projects so it all worked out in the end.

On this note though…it may be possible that since rules just naturally shape themselves around my rigid life that I so perfectly walk on the lines outside the box, that it would take a special person to walk that line with me. I always try to be the best I can be at everything I do. Some guys don’t like that and feel like they are forced to compete. The funny thing is that I guess I sort of am inadvertently competing with them as I’m trying to better myself. I can see how it might look to a guy if I always need to do everything to its fullest. Who wants someone who’s so hard to impress? The thing is that I’m not doing it for that reason. I just want to spend time with people who challenge me or have passion for what they do. I went out with a guy who refused to buy me a card- ever! …in 4 years. He broke up with me before every Valentine’s Day, and most other holidays too, depending on whether or not he liked the coat I was wearing. I had the ability to give him hand-made reversible greeting cards with musical messages in them. Where I came from, that’s just how you do it! I never expected him to be able to do that. I knew it wasn’t something he had the ability to do or even wanted to due to the fact that I’m not sure he even knew my name (come on…4 years isn’t long enough to get to know a person you know?). All I asked from him was that he go and pick out a hallmark himself and sign his name to it. He never did. One Valentine’s Day, he did show up a day later with an etch-e-sketch that he had written the words “I Love You” in. After having spent Valentine’s Day crying over our annual end of our relationship, I was shocked that he showed up with it. I looked at him, took the etch-e-sketch in my hands and asked, “Is this representing our relationship? If I bump it, it’s going to disappear?” He laughed and a year later our travel agent bumped it! ;)…She has two kids with him now.

So what do you do if you aren’t the type of person who has ever lived by the rules but hopes for what everyone else has? I think that the magic we live by is the magic that is brought out in us. I love the way I live and know that there are people who live by their own tunes also. I would think that even if their songs are completely different than mine, it is possible that they just might make harmony when played together. Maybe there are a whole set of rule breakers living on the outside edge of the box who are happier than the ones standing currently in full view. I’m certain that if I took a walk through that community, I wouldn’t have to be so hard on myself for not having what everyone else has because to them, I likely already have it all!

Everyone has a “thing!”

I was singing at a party last night and it is always interesting to see what sorts of characters are going to present themselves. There is such a collection of people at these events. Everyone was dressed up, but there was one lady who was dressed in a white sweat suit with a hat, a carrot strapped to her nose and red socks that showed through her sandals with the word “balls” printed across the top of them. She was carrying a basket of candy and walking from person to person as though she was the mayor of Christmas. I figured that it was a strange party expense, but someone must’ve hired her to do this. Whatever it was, it seemed about as strange to me as the bat mitzvah I sang at one time where they had hired a mime to mock a room full of 13-year-old girls. On a side note to that…he asked me out that night. I replied, “Are you allowed to talk?”…He actually left me his phone number on a napkin that night…but I couldn’t get it out of that darn box that fictitiously encapsulated it and grew smaller and smaller until it fell into the garbage…hee hee…Oh well…Anyway…the Christmas candy snowman…I was in the middle of a song as she walked up to me with her basket and asked me to pick out some treats for myself and the guys in the band. I smiled and quickly took one and set it on the keyboard next to me and went on to the second verse. She stood there and wouldn’t leave as she directed me to take more…and more…and then she kept talking. It definitely wasn’t easy for me to sing and have this conversation about candy with a lady at a formal party wearing a sweat suit. I took one more but she kept pushing. Finally I pulled the mic away from my mouth and giggled in a friendly way as I said, “You have rings on your fingers and balls on your toes! I’m having trouble taking you seriously.” She laughed and gave me a few more pieces of candy as she walked away. Later that evening, I ran into a girl who said that the woman worked with them and every year she plans a costume for this party and it’s a big surprise for everybody. I thought it was kind of nice. In that moment, I recognized the fact that people all have things they look forward to. I got a little jealous actually…She waits all year to wear a sweat suit and hand out candy and be the life of the party for one night. It’s her thing! I thought about how simple that was. I wondered if the simpler a person makes her life, the happier she is. I always have so much going on that there’s no way that waiting for one evening for an entire year would ever satisfy me. I need to do something exciting virtually on a daily basis. As a matter of fact, excitement and projects are my “thing”. Of course, what’s exciting to me may not be exciting to anyone else…but that doesn’t really matter. We all have something that gets us up in the morning. Sometimes I wish I were one of those people who are able to wait for a year for one day to come! I can’t imagine that it would ever work for me though. I have a feeling that the let down I would feel when it was over after all of the time I had spent getting ready for it, would be extremely disappointing and I’d need another goal immediately. I have a feeling that her goal must be to get ready for the next year. I would need a far bigger goal…again…I’m a little jealous!

People thrive on working towards their goals and dreams. Whether it’s wearing a carrot on your nose one night a year, or producing an album, writing 2 books a year and having a family who comes home from church on Sunday and sings around the table at grandma’s house after, it’s the need for wanting it that keeps us going. I wonder if when you get there, you sit back and say, “Ah. Now I have it all!”…or is it human nature to wonder what’s next and need to think up some new lofty goals? I think that people are the happiest when they are readying themselves for greatness! Once it finds them, often they forget to appreciate it and live in that moment before they start searching for a new definition of it. I think that I’m going to go out to the mall and buy myself some ridiculous socks with the word “balls” on them and wear them around the house today to remind myself that I already have everything I need, because tomorrow I’ll have something different to appreciate. The big picture can wait while I’m living my life right now. Hopefully by the time I get there, I’ll know how to appreciate having all of my dreams as much as I appreciate reaching towards them!

Uh...I think that the chicken is fine...

I had to get dressed up to go to the grocery store the other day. I know it sounds crazy but my old grocery store chain in my neighborhood that I used to be able to go to in my pajamas, got sold and apparently they don’t carry chicken- or eggs anymore. That sort of answered the age-old question of which came first though – butter. The last time I went in there, I noticed a creamy dessert looking thing smashed into a plastic container. On the label it said, “Miscellaneous by weight!” Oh good! Get me two of those! Miscellaneous by weight is one of my favorite dishes!…So now I need to go the store that everyone goes to. You can’t take any chances with your hair and clothes in there. You never know whom you might run into. I’d hate to walk into my future husband and have to explain that “what I look like right now is the worst case scenario! You should see me sometime after I’ve taken a shower!” It does seem like a lot of extra work but you just can’t get between a girl and her groceries!

I walked up to the chicken department (yeah…there’s a whole department!) and there was a pretty lady picking up every single package of boneless chicken breasts, analyzing it, and then setting it back down! I stood behind her for a while…and by “a while”, I mean FOR FREAKIN’ EVER!…All I know is that I had time to run a monologue through my head about how impressed I was with myself for being so patient…then continue the conversation with my motionless self about what she was actually looking for within the prepackaged chicken…then go back to the thought about how impressively patient I was being for a girl whose heart was about ready to explode from her chest with anxiousness to PICK UP THE DAMN CHICKEN FOR GOD’S SAKE LADY!…eh em!… “Excuse me. (giggle) I guess I’ll just grab one of your rejects. I feel a little guilty about not caring what’s in this package now though!” She smiled and said, “Yeah. And the older I get, the worse it gets!” I replied, “You’re probably right though! I’m sure this package will have salmonella or something!…Oh well! Have a nice day!”…I threw the chicken into my cart and skipped off to find some eggs.

A half hour later, I went through the checkout with enough groceries to serve the homeless for a few months. As I piled them on the counter at the register, the chicken lady walked by me. She only had 2 things in her cart- her handpicked winner of the chicken pageant…and a head of lettuce. I thought, “I wonder if she’ll have to come back tomorrow?…or worse yet, if she’ll ever be able to go home today?”…On a more serious side of this though, I do wonder if my compulsive behavior in many areas of my life causes me to make quick decisions that end up being frivolous? I suppose this is evident in the fact that all that was on my grocery list was chicken and eggs and I was walking out of the store with $100 worth of groceries- including a container of Swedish fish. But then again, when it comes to dating, I’m more like the chicken lady: I examine every single package for any possible imperfection as I pick up one after another but never leave the store with it due to the fact that I’m worried about what might be wrong on the inside. Ironically though, if you can’t find a single package that you at least hope won’t kill you, you will eventually starve to death anyway. I’ll work on it…but the bottom line is that it all tastes just like chicken.

This is who I am…you can be who you are- over there!

I was talking to a friend the other day who told me that he had run into a girl “exactly like me.”…Really? …WOW!…Well can you get a message to her for me?…Tell her that she is completely screwed!…I’d hate to have her walking around thinking that there’s room for two people in the same town “exactly” like me!…I don’t really know what he was talking about as I’m quite sure that there are no two people “exactly” alike. I suppose we could share similar traits…like for instance, I’m sure we both have eyes.

The funny thing is that we do tend to lump people into categories. It can be by race, hair color, single, married, I can stand them, I can’t stand them…etc…There are so many other things that make people who they are. The one thing that we all have in common is that we are all deserving of happiness. So why is it that sometimes people feel like if they aren’t where everyone else is in life, that they are lacking? It gets very easy to want what others have. I had a friend in college that I used to go to lunch with sometimes. It seemed like every time we went to order food, she would say that she wasn’t hungry. Okay then. That’s fine with me. I’ll eat alone! …except then she would take my food off my plate while she sat there with none. I can’t tell you how annoying that was for me. I thought she wasn’t hungry? Why do so many people want only what is on the person’s plate next to them? This rule seems to work in relationships sometimes too. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve met who are more attracted to someone when she is taken. I revert to the idea of having a stunt boyfriend for these occasions. I don’t really believe that it would be a good way of picking up a nice guy, but on all other fronts, I would likely snag me a player! Lucky me!…I maintain that eating off of my own plate is just the best choice for me!

I suppose that means that everyone is exactly where they are meant to be. There is a little bit of space in the world that is meant only for us and we are meant to fill it with whatever we choose to fill it with! If people decided to drag other people’s things into their space, it is their option. I choose to use my space for the things that are important to me in order to leave room for someone who thinks those things are important too! No need to be in my space if your only intention is to clutter it up with other people’s stuff!

Enough about me…now what about me?

I suppose that “my type” has got to go out the window. Honestly, it appears that “my type” isn’t my type at all. I actually met a nice guy who was completely not like anybody I would ever have gone out with and had more in common with him than anyone I’ve met in years. It was actually pretty nice to know that at least I have some ability to be attracted to someone! He hasn’t called me or made any attempt to contact me…of course it’s only been two days…in my world that is more like two years and usually by the time a guy has gotten around to contacting me, I don’t remember meeting him and I’ve written another book or something. …meanwhile, back at the ranch…two days later, I’ve already gone through all the phases: like, attraction, interest, possibility, chemistry, excitement, realization that he wasn’t into me, rejection, resolution, cheesesticks!…and that’s how the story ends. Now…don’t get me wrong, I understand that 2 days in guyland likely hasn’t given him time to zip his fly back up after his morning sports illustrated reading session, but it’s just easier for me to just forget about it and resign myself to the fact that there is something about me he doesn’t see for himself as someone he would date! I know that feeling! My friend tried to set me up with another guy who seemed to be my type and there wasn’t even an opportunity to even try to start a conversation with him. If I can’t start a conversation, the conversation can’t be started! He was just too intense! (hee hee…isn’t that irony at its best? That’s sort of like the pot calling the coffee black…) He just kept talking about everything he is. Enough about me, now what about me?…I do have this issue myself though. It’s not because I’m really self absorbed, it’s usually due to the fact that I’m trying to save the other person from a long, embarrassing lull in the conversation. What topic do I know the most about?…well…Me! It’s actually too bad that sometimes I find myself more interesting than most of the guys people have set me up with. BUT- I think I would’ve actually shut up and let the guy from the other night talk. He just seemed nice. He wasn’t likely to say anything that would play over and over again in my head that would prevent me from ever being interested in him. Maybe that’s the other reason why I talk all the time. I may just be trying to prevent an opening for something to be said that I’ll never be able to forget! I don’t forget anything- ever. I could replay virtually every conversation I’ve ever had for the last 20 years like a soundtrack in my head.

So now I’m really on a roll (…wait a minute…how do you spell that? Is it roll?…reading back on that sort of seems like I’m saying I’m on a roll with pickles and onions?…hmm…) Oh well… you know what I mean! I have been set up with so many people who are “supposed to be good for me” and there has been an overwhelming amount of nothing between us. It feels like I’m on old episodes of “The Fugitive”. Remember the guy who searched for years and years for the one armed man who killed his wife?…Every episode ended the same way- no one armed man! I sort of got tired of watching. It seemed like I already knew the ending. I guess that means that I get sick of playing the same rerun with different guy’s names playing the role of the guy who is the wrong one-armed man. So what about the genuine guy from the other night?…don’t know yet…but I’m quite certain that by tomorrow I will be in the full blown resolution stage! I can’t wait around for other people’s timing to be right when I know that when I meet the right guy, the timing will already be right. I suppose I’ll forget it and go back to being content with “no possibility!” It seems to feel better!

Do you have any chocolate?

I was out having a few cocktails with a friend the other night…and by cocktails, I mean tater skins and mozzarella sticks…What?…They’re really good! We were laughing and having a great time as we listened to the band. After my friend finished one of the courses from our well-balanced meal of grease, carbohydrates and dairy, she asked the waiter, “Do you have any chocolate?”…He seemed confused as he looked at her and then back to me and asked me, “Is she trying to make me blush?”…Just then, I noticed that he was of African American decent. I looked to her as she scooped the last piece of bacon off the plate and then back to him. I giggled and replied, “Um. No. I think she really just wants some chocolate.” He left to get her a menu…When he returned he said, “we have everything on here accept the angel food cake.” I asked politely, “Is that a white thing?”…He laughed and walked away. My friend and I laughed all night about it. It had never been her intention to come off as flirty with this young 20-something waiter. Had we given him the wrong impression?…and by wrong impression, I mean one where he would think that we were out looking for young black guys to pick up for the evening? I drifted into one of my pondering mental states as I thought, “geez…we have got to lay off the cheese!”

I wondered if the miscommunication was our problem or his? Maybe he was so used to being identified as “black”, that it’s something he naturally draws attention to. We all do things like that. If we have some sort of insecurity that we are wondering people are noticing, we drag the elephant to the center of the room and call attention to it so no one thinks that we aren’t aware of it. For example, if for some reason I get a blemish on my face, instead of using a little bit of cover up and pretending that it’s not there, without hesitation I’ll say to a room full of people the second I enter, “Yeah! I’m here…and I brought this ridiculous zit that I grew over night that I can barely see you over due to the fact that it has it’s own zipcode!…Well! That puts an end to the snickering water cooler talk about whether I knew I had a blemish or not! Clearly I knew and there was no need for them to speak amongst themselves about it later. Now don’t get me wrong… I’m not comparing a zit to being African American. I’m comparing defense mechanism to defense mechanism. It’s like the overweight comedian who always needs to tell fat jokes. Yeah…they are funny…but the only reason he is poking fun at himself is to keep others from being able to hurt with it later. It does go to show though, that what we notice in ourselves is far more critical than what others notice about us. Possibly we’re giving people ammunition to hurt us by trying to diffuse their ability to hurt us?…I think I’m going to try to just let go of drawing attention to things I’m hard on myself about. Judging from the really heavy lady’s reaction in the mall to my comment about how I’m getting fat because I’m wearing a size 6 right now, people aren’t taking it the right way!…and no…I don’t need any chocolate thank you!

Darn! Missed Garbage Day Again!

I can’t believe this! I don’t know if there is a memo that only goes out to people with children that tells them when the heck garbage day is, but for some reason, I never get my garbage out on holiday weeks. It seems that it’s always on a different random day. The strange thing is that I’ll hear the truck outside and notice that all of the other houses have put theirs out! How did they know? Is garbage day in the category of things that only apply to people with families?…like…let’s see…leaving early from work to pick up their kids…tax rebate checks …PTA… peace and good will towards man…?? It’s either that, or there are just more people in the household to assign different random tasks to. I suppose if a family lived in a house together, they could have a list of chores posted on the fridge next to the “I love my Mommy” drawings…instead of a list of “what I ate today” like I have on mine. I’m sure if someone had the task of taking out the garbage, that person would have to make it her job to find out when to do it. Maybe there are too many things on my list and certain ones don’t ever get attended to. I wonder if there’s a “Stunt Husband” program that I could sign up for. It would be like that “big brother” one where older guys come and take young boys out so they have a positive male role model in their lives. I’m certain I would qualify for assistance. Clearly I’m lacking in the “dead mouse removal”, “garbage day”, “house painting”, “leaf raking” department! It’s funny too because in all other areas, I’m very efficient! I’m just NOT very manly!…Oh well…maybe I’ll check the yellow pages under “things creative blonde girls need”…I’m sure there’s something in there for me! Would that be under “T”, or “B” for “Blonde girls need, things”??…wait…I don’t think I even have a phonebook….darn…put that under “N” for “Need, things creative blonde girls”…My new refrigerator note:

To Do:

Get phonebook

Call someone to find out who to call about garbage day

Call about garbage day

Rake leaves

Check into Stunt husband program

What I ate today...

You can’t act more breezy than that?

Have you ever noticed that when people act too excited about the possibility of a new “relationship”, the person on the other end gets scared off and disappears?…This seems to always be the case and yet even though we know it, we still get that way. I have run into guys who I might’ve been interested in but wanted to just see where it would go. Within a few days, they would be acting too anxious to get together. On occasion, I’ve had my best friend try to talk them down! She’s said, “You just need to act breezy like on that one episode of Friends.” It’s never worked though. Some people just aren’t breezy in anyway. The funny thing is that I am hardly ever breezy myself. I’m more like a tornado. It’s really not my fault I guess. I’m just a little too intense when it comes to productivity. Come to think of it, on those occasions when a guy seemed too interested in me, maybe I just wasn’t going to be interested in him to begin with. It just shouldn’t be that hard.

Here’s a tiny play I wrote entitled: “Un-breezy!”

Cue lights please…

Guy picks up girl for dinner (…this is already way out of my comfort zone…can’t we just meet at a high school dance or something?…clearly I am not a big fan of the word, “DATE!”)

Guy hands girl flowers at the door (um…thanks…that was really nice…but definitely not breezy!)

Guy: I got you these. You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met!

Girl: (you don’t have cable?)…Thank you!

Guy: So... I was wondering how you feel about having children?

Girl: (uh…tonight?)…uh…tonight? (oops…Couldn’t stop that response.)

Guy: My ex says I’m going to meet someone right away because I’m really good looking and have a ton of money.

Girl: (then why didn’t she keep you?)…hee hee…that’s lucky for you.

Scene change…dinner is over…guy walks girl to the door…

Guy: This was fun. Do you think you’d be interested in flying to Italy on my private jet for 2 weeks next July?

Girl: (does that mean I’d have to hang out with you for the next 8 months until then?)…Um…I’d have to check my schedule. You should get back to me about that in May.

Guy: Well. Think about it. I need to make arrangements in the next 3 weeks.

Girl: (hmm...no pressure then!) Oh. I’m sure I have to sing those weekends. I’ll check.

Guy: So. I had fun. I’ll call you when I get home.

Girl: Ok. I have some things to do so if I don’t answer, I haven’t heard the phone. Thanks for everything.

Guy pulls out of driveway…scene fades out…girl sells her house and leaves the state…

So obviously there is somewhere in between getting to know someone slowly and making a commitment the first time you meet to fly to Italy nearly a year later. Again…in a few cases, I have been the one who has made myself too available. I will be sure not to do that again because clearly I can dish it out, but I can’t take it!

Dissed by Sarah Palin

I have to say that I’m a little disappointed in Sarah Palin. I stood by her throughout the time she was running for election simply on party lines even while she was being repeatedly slammed due to her gun toting, “I can see Russia from my house”ing, all I read is Vogue and the Enquirer, campaign strategies! I couldn’t stand her accent. I found it harsh and offensive coming out of such a pretty woman’s mouth but I just turned down the sound on the television and read her lips. It was actually quite easy to do because her consonants were so hard they smacked her lips together to form easy to read sentences.

So what is my problem now?…I was flipping through the channels the other day and heard her talking about the abortion issue where having her baby was concerned. She said that she could see how it could go through a woman’s mind at certain times in her life. She continued, “I mean. I was 43 years old. I wasn’t exactly any spring chicken and I was having a baby!”…Oh my God Sarah!…Uncool! 43 years old is nearly my best-case scenario for having my first child! Did she really believe that it was better that her uneducated teenaged daughter was having a baby than it was for her to have one? I have to say that that hurt a little bit! Just because I didn’t meet a “hunter and gatherer” in high school to have a family with doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t have a child. The thing is that I changed the channel immediately so I don’t really know where she went with that topic. Actually I’m quite certain that she was siding with keeping the child and only mocking herself but it didn’t diminish the sting in my mind. I imagined myself rounding up a whole bunch of spring chickens and putting them in a pen somewhere until the “unspring chickens” got a chance at a conversation with someone who may be interested in having a three headed baby one day!,,,thanks again Sarah…I was just beginning to think that everything would be alright! I’m so NOT voting for you. I don’t like your accent anyway…and you should use some of your money from your book sales to send your husband to college! Don’t they have a bachelor’s degree in Kayaking or something?…

My new blog compilation!

Hi Everyone! I just wanted to let you know that I just made a collection of my blogs available for print in case anyone is looking for a stocking stuffer for that jaded single girl near you! Click the link on the right under Calia's books for more information!

And also...don't forget to send me holiday ideas! I'm anxious to hear how you spend your holidays! Happy stories please! Thanks everyone!

Calia

Another Speed Bump?

I am getting really sick of speed bumps. Why is it that everyday, there’s a new speed bump in the middle of the parking lot?…I wasn’t speeding. I just wanted to drive forward without biting my tongue and grinding the bottom of my car down. People are getting a little bit too intense with their obsession with authority. Last week, I watched a guy come out of the building next door and set cones around a few parking places he didn’t want people to park. Wait a minute…who the heck is he? If I get my own cones, can I set aside a spot for me to pull into in the morning?

The thing is that it appears that I have a problem with authority all together. I see those cones and I want to take them home with me. I see a speed bump and I sort of want to file it down with a lathe. I see a no parking sign with the words, “No Parking between 3-5 pm Monday through Friday, 7-9am on Saturday and Sunday, At all between the hours of 4-9pm on odd numbered days of the month or during special events”, on it, and I want to send a pointed letter to the city parking authority. It will say:

To whom it may concern,

I can’t help but notice that it is nearly impossible to leave my car anywhere without having a secret decoder ring for the signs from a “parking authority crispies” box. Please accept my payment of one million dollars to cover the cost of the rest of the tickets I obtain in my lifetime. My license plate number is PRKNG SCKS. Please see to it that all officers are made aware of our new arrangement of me parking where I want to, when I want to, and you leaving me the heck alone. I appreciate your attempt at keeping order, however, I hope you will use the money to purchase lives for the people who are consistently standing next to my car waiting for the meter to expire or become invisible depending on the time of day. I mean really?…for God's sake! Are they riding in my trunk?... I appreciate your immediate attention to this matter.

Insincerely,

Calia Roze

Here Come the Love Holidays!

Well! Here they come…the holidays are on their way. I have a friend that says that guys won’t start dating near the holidays so there is no pressure on them to buy a gift! She also believes that no one gets involved from the start of winter until May. As a matter of fact, every year since I’ve known her, she has made a resolution in August, “No men 'til May!”…um…That’s a nice idea…but haven’t we sort of been working on the resolution we already made about 7 or 8 years ago, “No men 'til this decade is over?”…Maybe we should try “No men till we meet one we can stand!”…yeah…now there’s a resolution I can really commit to! That’ll ease the pressure.

So what about this no dating near the holidays thing?…That sort of stinks...since that seems like the only time of the year I could really use a little somethin' somethin'...Isn't that just my luck! Come to think of it though, I've always been the luckiest girl in the world when it came to just about everything but this recurring nightmare I call my love life! I had just started to think that the trouble was just due to the age range I am in, but after discussing it with a friend at the gym, it turns out that it's the same for every age! I have 20something friends who are struggling with this exact problem! Single is single! 20's, 30,s divorced...50's...We may all be looking for different things but we are all in the same boat!...Personally I think we're going to need a bigger boat and possibly we should consider a co-ed mixer boat or something before it capsizes. The problem is that we are all picking through the untaken remnants! My mother used to do that with material at the fabric store while we waited in the car! From what I can remember, that took an incredible amount of time too! Now that I think about it, the remnants did make cute little outfits for our dolls...but they didn't exactly match. Okay...but what if the fabric was only available between the months of May until August? Our dolls would've been completely naked or we would've been dressing them in the old standby outfits that we didn't really like but were better than nothing. That's not really my doll's style though. She has a different idea. She sort of hopes that there is a possibility of finding a beautiful dress that no one has worn that has been left in a trunk somewhere that she could wear for the holidays? Even the possibility that it's there somewhere is enough to hang on to.

I've decided that we need to make something special out of the holidays this year! This is for the single people: Let’s make something from scratch that will make this time truly special. I think that a walk around Rockefeller Center is in order and a drive or two down the Henry Hudson Parkway to feel the energy of the pure number of people who are nestled inside their apartments! A home-made craft that would be something we’d really love to get if we were children…or a glass of hot chocolate with marshmallows by a picture window next to a fireplace while watching the huge snowflakes dance with their holiday flair outside!

If you have any beautiful ideas to make this year truly special, email them to me (caliasholiday@aol.com) or comment here! I look forward to spending the holidays with your ideas this year!

Funhouse Mirrors at the Gym

I was working out tonight and couldn’t help but notice a guy who had apparently forgotten to work out his lower body- since the beginning of time! He was strutting around the gym to the point that I had to look away because I was giggling at how strangely out of proportion he was. He looked sort of like an upside down food pyramid…or really any pyramid for that matter but I instantly thought, ‘Hmm…he could really use a potato or something on the bottom! He was actually an attractive looking guy, who I imagine, was probably very good looking in high school. He just screamed out ‘guy who someone made a comment to him about having small shoulders when he was 15 and he had been working out his shoulders and back ever since!’ I rubbed my eyes to see if it was just the mirrors distorting him into a Popeye looking figure!…nope! Not the mirrors… He looked like he had been squeezed from a tube of toothpaste and splatted out the top. Even more interestingly, he was working on…guess what?…yes! His shoulders and back!…I wanted to yell out, “Dude! Work legs for a few months! Lay off the shoulders! You’re going to topple over!”…Luckily I didn’t…because that would’ve been rude!

I kept working out and noticed an older lady (likely around 55 or so?) She had obviously been trying to keep herself in shape for many years. That was very commendable! The trouble with older ladies keeping themselves too skinny is that there is often nothing they can do about enormous breasts that have dropped like lead weights to their hips as they dance out of time with each other in the mirror while she is doing chest fly’s. But her yellow hair and short shorts looked good. Maybe she was just doing physical therapy for…well…likely for whatever injury a 50 year old woman would get from working out with barbells too heavy for a man. Again…it doesn’t seem nice to notice these people and I am actually quite impressed that they take an interest in staying healthy! I suppose my main problem is that I worry that since I’m a fitness junkie and have been since I was old enough to drive, when I get old, I’m going to turn into one of those people who looks like I should likely stop trying to be a size 2 anymore. (and don’t get me wrong…I’m not a size 2 this week but will likely be 2 weeks from now! I’m like that!) Besides, whose grandmother needs to wear a wife beater and moccasins to the gym? Oh geez…I hope I have the sense to through away my moccasins when I turn…well…the century…

All in all though, I had a great workout! It’s my favorite thing to do.

What makes “chemistry?”

I find it very interesting that there are certain things that bring couples together. Chemistry is chemistry. If there is none, it doesn’t matter how perfect a person is for you. I’m not just talking about physical chemistry. I’m referring to banter and common understanding. One time I had to take notes throughout the day in order to be able to keep a conversation going on the phone with a guy I was hanging out with for a few weeks. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have spent quite so much time trying with that one. Clearly we didn’t have anything to talk about. This is quite strange too because I can be alone in my own house and carry on a perfectly good conversation will no lulls of deafening silence. On the flip side of the silent phone conversation though, I've only had one relationship in my lifetime in which the conversation was always easy (unless of course he had changed his phone number so I couldn't reach him...and strangely enough, he did that twice during the 4 years I spent with him). I ran into him recently, ten years later in the grocery store. I felt as though we could've pulled up two chairs in the clorox aisle and talked all night again. It's too bad that relationship didn't work out but neither of us would've become the person we are now if we had stayed where we were. I don't have regrets...I just pattern what I believe a relationship to be after the good parts I shared with him. That's the sort of person you can grow old with and not worry that there's nothing left to say. Oh well...the quest continues...So what is it about people that allows them the ability to have this sort of chemistry? I suppose there’d have to be a few points of conversation that both people had a vast knowledge on. I try to learn a little bit about a lot of different things. The problem is that it still doesn’t work if the other person is too serious. If I need a laugh track for my jokes so a guy knows where they are placed in the conversation, he probably isn’t in sync with me. I suppose I could just carry a digital device in my pocket that has random conversation starters. OH! I know!…I could invent a device that attaches to the phone that changes the topic to a variety of different ideas with the push of a button. The only issue with this is that I sort of already have that button genetically engineered in my head to begin with.

Does it take some people longer to open up into chatter about things that are important to them or do some people have absolutely no interests at all? I can’t imagine that is the case. You’d have to be pretty boring to have nothing matter at all. I guess it could happen though. I have made a list of things I could have a conversation about:

Computers
Web design
Academics
Education
Fitness/aerobics
Producing music
MIDI
Video Production
Movies from the 80’s
Dance
Comedy
Writing
self help/psychology
Religion
Theatre
Hiking
Politics
Marketing/business
Dresses
Purses
Computers, Computers, Computers
Building Computers, Using Computers, Backing up computers…did I mention computers?

Uh oh…It’s me. I apparently I have a narrow scope of topics. If a guy can’t fit into one of those categories with similar interests, the conversation will stop. Hmm…what do guys like? I may be missing a major one- sports! Clearly a “sports guy”, if that is all he is, is totally unsuited to me. I have tried to get into sports. Basketball and baseball make sense to me. I even played softball when I was in 5th grade. Wait…let me rephrase that. I used to wet my pants in left field during the 3 ½ hour games while our pitcher walked the other team through the bases. I suppose if a guy gave me some indication of his interests, other than pretending to care about things he believes I might like, I would research them and be able to keep the conversation going if he’s attractive enough. Hey! He could invite me to his fencing match if he’d like. I have a blackberry in case I get bored…and I’ll even sing the anthem! Do they sing the anthem at fencing?...or is it from a different country? I never hear "Fencing! The great American passtime!"...oh well! My fencing boyfriend will have to let me know!