Tuesday, December 29, 2009

What’s up with that?

I was driving down the street today and noticed a man getting out of his Mercedes wearing a hard-hat carrying a cup of coffee in his hand…that’s all I have to say about that…

Wait…no. I guess it isn’t. Over the years, I have often played a little game with myself that I like to call, “I wonder what they are doing in there?” I would drive by people's houses and picture what sort of people lived in them and make little scenarios about what they were doing inside. I do tend to have things figured out quite often though I have never gotten up the guts to actually break into the houses to find out if my assessments are correct. (Mainly because I’m usually wearing a gown and heels when I’m driving by and it seems somehow inappropriate to break and enter in that sort of attire. Of course I have seen many a girl wearing a beautiful wedding dress as she drank beer from a bottle…breaking and entering seems far less extreme- especially since that memory won’t be saved for posterity forever in a photo album that the girl’s 3rd husband will likely make her burn when she says “till death do us part” …again….to him one day)…oops…there I go again- holding back my opinions. People keep saying, “Calia! You need to learn to express yourself. You can’t keep it all bottled up inside or you’re likely to die of a stress related illness!”…They’re right you know!

Anyway…The man wearing the wedding gown with the beer bottle in his hand getting out of his Mercedes….um…I mean the man wearing the wedding gown with a hard hat getting out of his Mercedes…No. You know what I mean!…Where was he going? Hardhat areas hardly occupy the pretentious. (and don’t get me wrong about pretentious- I love Mercedes…but they aren’t exactly cheap and require a certain taste when purchasing) I wanted to follow him for one of my episodes of “I wonder what they are doing in there?” but I didn’t feel like waiting around so I wrote one in my head instead!

What are they doing in there? Episode: Hard-hat Man in Mercedes

lights fade to evening…Calia in floor length gown, brings her car to a stop around the corner from where the man just pulled his Mercedes into the garage

The lights flip on in the kitchen in front of the house as Calia runs between trees to get around back. She sneaks up to the picture window that is just above ground level and peers into a dark living room. She notices shadows of people talking in the next room dancing across the wall but she can’t hear the conversation.She bolts to a door around the side of the house and it is luckily unlocked. She slips into the back of a garage area to get closer in time to hear about the hard-hat guy’s day.

Hard-hat guy: Your car seems fine to me! I don’t think you need a new one.

Dainty wife: But didn’t you hear the clicking from the glove compartment at high speeds?

Hard-hat guy: Yeah. But I just turned up the radio.

His wife starts to throw a temper tantrum but her words are unintelligible through her screams of discontent. Calia unhinges the door into the living room and quietly slips closer to the action inside the house.

Dainty wife: You are such a piece of loser crap. I want a new one.

Hard-hat guy: Honey. We can’t afford a new one. I’m working as hard as we can.

Dainty wife: (muttering through tears) You could get another job!

Hard-hat guy: Me? What did you do today? Your nails?

hard-hat guy realizes that his question was probably not going to be taken in the way he meant it…well…Actually he was quite certain that his question would be taken in the way he meant it but definitely did not want to get into that argument right now since the take out he had in his hand was getting cold!

Hard-hat guy: I mean…Your nails look really nice.

Dainty wife: (screaming as she slaps the food from his hand) I DIDN’T sign up for this!

Just then he steps into the living room and flips on the light to see Calia standing in the corner. She froze as though she was a lamp. This was not a great disguise at this time, but it was the best she could do on short notice.

Hard-hat guy: What the?

The screaming and crying in the next room was getting louder as it came towards the room where a baffled hard-hat guy and paralyzed Calia stood.
The dainty insane wife enters!

Calia: (thinking on her feet) Hi! Shoot! I think we ruined the surprise. Oh well! Here goes.

Calia starts to sing:

For my one and only you

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do

Each day just leaves me wanting more

So come with me to the jewelry store

Calia: (turning to the extremely confused man) This is the part we practiced where you get down on one knee!

Hard-hat guy does it cause he has no idea what is going on!

Calia sings: I love you my beautiful girl! (She turns slowly towards the door before their faces lose their blank stares. She steps into the garage, shuts the door and bolts to her car!)
It was a clean get away! Thank God for comfortable shoes!)

Lights fade back to reality and Calia is driving without incident to her original destination!

I bounced back into reality about a mile up the street and found myself giggling at my adventure. What had I learned from this? Well...I need to stop drinking coffee! Clearly these attention deficit hallucinations are becoming a little bit out of control. The other thing I learned is that breaking into someone’s house to find out what they are doing could potentially get me into trouble. Good thing I ran a dry run to weigh out the possible areas where the plan could go wrong! Note to self: when breaking and entering in the future, take a lampshade to wear for the lamp disguise. This will really make things less awkward!