Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Self-Pity Trilogy

I have recently been receiving daily depressing emails from a family member. I’m not sure what the point is as they contain things like, “You are so lucky that you have no life and that you are alone…”, “I have canceled Christmas”, “I will just sit here and wait to die!”…um…nice! Thanks for sharing. I didn’t respond to the first email due to the fact that it was clearly a collage of angry sentiment meant to start my day off in a negative way. There was really nothing I could say in response. Two days later, I received another one reiterating all of the negativity of the first. It was probably meant to make me feel better…um…nope…guess not!…I did respond to that one by focusing on the lucky things that she had experienced out of the situation. Done right?…nah…another one showed up in the early hours of the morning. This time she decided to talk about how I had misinterpreted all of the negative things, reiterate them all again, and then attack me for not caring about her and having better things to do due to the fact that I clearly hadn’t even bothered to contact her during her struggle. She signed it, “Merry Christmas”, and a list of names I’ve never heard before. She doesn’t have children so I’m assuming a few of the names were dogs, cats, fish, etc…not sure. All I know is that I need to remake my Christmas cards. I’m going to sign them, Love Calia, Marley (my piano), Anastasia (my couch), Ellie (my kitchen table), Andrew (my refrigerator), Zelda (my block of cheese…oops…take Zelda off the list. I just ate her!)…Anyway…I responded to her again…because I’M AN IDIOT! I again did not address the nasty things she had said to me because clearly she had made it her job this holiday season to get me to kill myself! Thanks! What is family for right?

I have to wonder what is wrong with people. Is there something in them that makes them want to hurt the people around them for fear that someone may be happier than them? I worked retail back in the day during my undergrad. Customers would come up to me to yell at me about socks…long lines…my hair…whatever they felt like being annoyed about. I’d just giggle as though I didn’t know they weren’t being playful with me. By the way…this really makes people very angry! Who knew? Hee hee…I still think it’s hilarious actually. I can never figure out what good it does to complain about things. I really think that sometimes people just like to hear themselves talk! It doesn’t seem worth it to me. I can hear myself talk anytime. I even have a little recorder in my car for random thoughts that may amuse me from time to time! So maybe I should send an email out to everyone myself.

Dear Everyone,

I am officially canceling “Be A Nasty Bitch Day” this year! I apologize to anyone this may affect in a negative light, but unfortunately life is all about me and the ground I walk on. Please take the time to reflect on everything miserable in your own life and then email it to yourself. This way you can soak up the joy it causes you to wallow in self-pity while I flit around with virtually no stressors in my life other than figuring out how to further your quest for perfection in the area of imperfection. At this time, we ask that you walk into your living room and take notice of everything that is out of place and get really angry about it. When you are finished, walk into the bathroom and stuff a towel in your toilet and flush it. …Ah! That’s nice isn’t it? If you haven’t realized all of your goals and ambitions of making yourself truly miserable by now, proceed to your car and slip it out of gear on a hill facing your house. This should definitely bring you to the pinnacle of your success that you have dreamed of for so long for now!


Calia, Marley, Anastasia, Ellie, Andrew, & Zelda

P.S. For additional joy, try poking your eyes out! I think you will find this personally satisfying!