Friday, July 24, 2009

Why do I attract much older men?

Clearly I have a problem. I have such a great life in every single way…but…I meet some pretty wacko guys. Now, I don’t want anyone to think that I’m not taking the blame on this. I am! For some reason, I bring these ridiculous meetings into my life! So what is wrong with me? Clearly I’m putting something out that says, if you already have a family and are looking to get me killed by your ex-wife, who is my mother’s age, ask me out ! I first recognized it when my last boyfriend and I had broken up and got a phone call at work from a doctor who was 15 years older than me. He said, “Hey! I heard you broke up with your boyfriend and thought you like music, I like music, you have a functioning uterus…” I think he may have gone on but I don’t remember the rest of the conversation. I remember thinking, “Hmm…that’s strange. I wonder if the entire medical community is aware of the condition of my uterus?” Then I felt strangely at ease. I mean…I heard it from a doctor! I had a functioning uterus. This cleared my mind substantially. Check! One last thing to worry about! I was free to do what I want and take the next 15 or so years to meet someone great before I had to worry about that baby thing! Feewww!

A few months later, I was singing and another much older man asked me out. He said, “What do I have to do to get with you?” I said, “I don’t know. Kill me and drag me into the woods?” then smiled and dismissed myself. Recently, 50 and 60 year old men have been positioning themselves next to me on their treadmills at the gym….well…now I’m starting to get a complex. Clearly they must think I’m much older than I am? One of them stood by my machine and asked me to go to dinner. I explained that I was only in my 30’s and hadn’t been married yet. He said, “oh. I’m surprised you’re that old but I’m not married anymore. We should definitely go out!”…wait…confused! Help! If he thought that I was younger than 30 and never married, what was he thinking when he asked me out? I cried that night. Clearly negative energy had taken over my rotting, disappointed carcass with a message that said, “Pick me! I’ll go out with someone my grandfather’s age!” What was I to do?

I came up with a plan: I went to the gym! (I didn't say it was a new plan…it was simply what I do when I can’t think of anything else to do) One man had asked me if I had loosened up my age restrictions yet? Um! No…I had actually decided to drop a few years off the top. Clearly these men, though they were nice, were having some sort of a midlife crisis and had no idea what made sense for them! That was fine for them and it wasn’t my worry…but I have to admit that it was hurting my ego a little bit! Another told me that I was “disgusting” with my age limits…well! That’s not really the best way to get me to want you! I know I’m not a “regular” girl, but honestly, calling me disgusting has never been a great plan when trying to get me to go out with you! I decided that it was time to make a t-shirt and take care of this once and for all! I took care of it with one simple slogan across my chest: “If you can read this, and you are over 42 and have children my age, you are following too closely. If not, my number is (and it was in really small print so only someone under 35 could read it) 555-5555!” Problem solved! Now the older guys flip me off across the gym so I can be left in peace to help the guys my age sound out the words on my t-shirt for their 20 year old girlfriends!…oh geez…