Mean spirited?

So…I know I should’ve clicked off the site when I read the caption- “How do women over 30 who are single really feel?” It was like a train wreck…I looked into the light! Dumb Calia…Oh well. What’s done is done. A girl said “I’m 23 years old and I’m engaged. In fact, I’ve been engaged 3 times before. My question is…How do women who are going to be 30 and are still single, feel about the fact that all the good guys are already taken and you have another 40 years to look forward to nothing but owning cats?”… um…little girl?…I have to say that I hope the best for you and your many engagements! In fact… I’m not even going to giggle hysterically when I run into you in 10 years- divorced, fat, with 3 small children, pushing a shopping cart from the grocery store to your 2 bedroom apartment after turning in your pepsi cans for their deposit so you can buy your cigarettes and bologna because you forgot to go to college and got married to the highest bidder….I'm not even going to mention that possibly karma has come back to haunt you...’cause that’s the kind of girl I am! :)

So what about my hair?

I don’t know if I’m the only one, but does it seem like single people end up washing their hair less often than people who are in relationships? I remember washing my hair twice a day when I had a boyfriend. Now I guess I figure that I may as well let it be dirty and grow thick and healthy. It also saves a heck of a lot of time in the morning on blow drying! I suppose this sounds a little disgusting but who is going to know if my hair is a little dirty right? I guess what I’m questioning is the common misconception that people get into relationships and then let themselves go. I don’t know how that could possibly be. It seems like if anyone ever came over, I would wear something other than wind pants and a jog bra with my hair in a pony tale every single day after 4pm. Part of me feels like I’m preserving myself for later. In a way, I am I guess. I have surround sound in my living room but haven’t turned on the TV in there in 2 years except when my sister has dropped off her kids for me to baby-sit.

I think we need to question what we are “readying” ourselves for. Are we putting our lives on hold until whatever it is gets here? What about just doing our hair and putting on a nice outfit for ourselves once in a while? Maybe just getting ready and going nowhere is the key to going somewhere?

Why is everyone my age a grown-up now?…

Have you ever noticed that somehow all of the people you grew up with are older than you now? I have a childhood friend who I used to spend a lot of time with. I don't feel like we are the same age anymore. There are pictures on her mantle of her “big-girl” house with her husband and children in them. I think they even have one of those pans that you make turkeys in! They are truly adults. I got her on the phone yesterday to see if she wanted to go to the gym with me. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: “Hey! What are you up to?”
Her: “I was just getting home and…DON’T TOUCH THAT!”
Me: “I didn’t.... I was just putting my sweats on! Wanna go to the gym with me?”
Her: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
Me: “Um…well...uh...that sugar isn't a great substitute for flour in cake just cause it's white?”
Her: “what?
Me: “huh?” ... “Anyway…do you want to go?”
Her: “Where?”
Me: “The gym…”
Her: “Jim who?”
Me: “...Yeah…um...well I saw a giraffe in the lobby today."
Her: “uh huh!...cool…Yeah..."PUT THAT DOWN!”
Me: “Yeah...You're right! I didn't really need to eat that anyway...just a habit”
Her: “.... Yeah...nice” ( …whispered voice )“stop! I told you! Shh”
Me: “Yeah! ...Really nice! Apparently the end of the world is coming in 3 days.”
Her: “yeah…I know…uh huh…” (whispered…) “shh…”
Me: “okay then! ...gotta go.”
Her: “Alright! I’ll catch you later!”
Me: ‘bye.”
Her: “uh huh. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!”

Well…I guess that was 5 minutes that I'm not getting back…but luckily I still had about 4 hours worth of 5 minute intervals that I didn't really need for anything. So...I went to the gym! I love the gym! At least when I'm on that crazy machine that makes me look like a gazelle in the jungle, and people are ignoring me, I can pretend that they had to sneak out of the house because they needed some space from their families! ah hah! Lucky me! ...feeewww...just when I was starting to feel sorry for myself, the lady screaming at her daughter on the cell phone on the treadmill next to my gazellalicious machine reminded me that my life won't always be as "easy" as it is now! I should be careful what i wish for!

Now I’m not ugly enough?

I have to say that this whole singing sensation of Susan Boyle is quite troubling to me. Yeah…she can sing…no better than anyone else. Have you ever been walking down the street and seen couples and thought… “she found someone!” Interesting! I know that it’s a Cinderella story. But wasn’t Cinderella kind of hot looking? I know that looks aren’t everything but has it really come to the point that either you have to be really hot- or really ugly in order to succeed? Like those girls on CSI Miami! Geez…I am so impressed that those girls are so beautiful and can still be smart enough to be able to calculate the trajectory of flying bullets and analyze toxicology reports! They truly have it all! It’s not that I believed that smart people are supposed to be ugly…but why is it a surprise to us that a truly beautifully challenged (by society’s standards) woman can sing? Of course she can sing! Everyone can sing. It just happens that the beautiful people are more apt to get a contract lip-syncing to an ugly person singing! I just can’t get it right! First I wasn’t “hot enough” to be Beyonce, now I’m not “ugly enough” to be Susan Boyle. Someone remind me to jump off a building if she gets married before I do! It’s like those people who were of age to drink…and then they changed the drinking age and they weren’t old enough anymore! ... Luckily- I’m old enough to drink!

That’s a great outfit!

There are some really great outfits out there if you’re into fashion…and you’re 19 years old and a size 0! I knew that my collection of dresses was getting out of control when a friend needed a dress for her 87 pound, 11 year old to wear to a father/daughter dance and was able to find an appropriate one in my closet. Well!…Perhaps I may have been being a little bit too hard on myself when I kept trying that one on and thinking that I needed to work out more! I’d have to cut off a leg to be 87 lbs. I see this sort of thing all the time: Women who are older, coming to the same party year after year and fitting into the same size they wore in high school!... Ladies!… Same size – okay…Same dress – not so much! It’s not 1972 anymore. You can give it away…or cut it into something nice – like a lacy bird house awning...

Does money really talk?

Have you ever noticed that guys who seem to have money, dismiss all of their other qualities in order to impress you with it? I met a guy once who said "I don't really like their food even though i'm their landlord" when speaking of a restaurant. Is this a bad form of deductive reasoning? He may as well have said "i don't like apples even though i have people to mow my grass." ??? Now i'm really not very good at this stuff I guess and often I feel as though i'm completely alone in my thoughts but I said "i'm sorry...were you talking?" He had completely lost me at "i'm an idiot!" Why would i need to hear about something he owned in that sentence? Why didn't he try "I was at the zoo the other day, OH MY GOD I'M RICH, and i saw a lion." I know that there are some girls who fall for that money stuff- apparently...or else guys like him wouldn't take the time to voice their wealth. It has to have worked at some point? Personally I'd take a brainy guy any day- hands down. It isn't good if while you're talking to me, i'm actually imagining you putting more clothes on! This guy actually needed an eskimo suit by the time he was done talking! ...oh well...what can ya do?

Are our brains overstimulated?

While i was at the gym last night, I couldn't help but wonder if the problem with people these days is the fact there's just too much to look at. I found myself so distracted while i was on the elliptical trainer for what may have been an hour and a half (judging from the fact that i can actually hear my knees this morning) Why did it just say 350 lbs when i stepped on it? Oh my god? I hope that's the resistance? I know my weight sometimes goes up and down depending on my pasta intake but the pants i wore today were a size 2? Damn old navy! How slanted were those mirrors?...and who is this lady in front of me in the foil outfit? Not that there is anything wrong with foil outfits- I'm sure there's value in them. Personally i don't have one but i have to admit that in college, i did go off to the parking office asking for a handicapped parking permit so i didn't have to walk as far to dance class in black spandex and a thong bodysuit...I suppose you know that they refused to give it to me... Anyway...the gym...see? I'm still distracted! I was listening to my hardcore techno on my ipod as i watched 4 televisions with news tickers at the bottom and headlines above them introducing the next story...what? President Obama has breast implants and he used them for waterboarding???and why the heck can't i read the closed captioning of "Charmed" on the television 100 feet across the gym? Does that mean that my eyes are getting bad? I mean...I've never needed glasses before? oops...I think the guy next to me has been talking to me. Oh boy. Do you think he could tell that I wasn't listening? - smile..."uh huh! I completely agree!" He says "don't you think that that sort of police action was a little over the top?"...."um.... I need to turn off my ipod for a minute and figure all of this out! If i close my eyes, can he still see me? That's what they always used to say when i was backstage at my shows!- if you can see them, they can see you!" Ahhhh!

Common Ground...

Sometimes having no responsibilities is a little more work than you might think. Most people have plans on weekends that they used to include me in, but the calls started coming less and less for whatever reason. I guess I can understand why people spend time with other people who have things in common with them. Have you ever tried to be the single person in the midst of a bunch of couples? They start talking about their kids…you hear ,“blah blah… little bobby… blah toodleydooblah …cute…ding a ding ding dong … wap doo doo doot toot… don’t you think?” …uhh?… (eye blink…MAYDAY, MAYDAY…aural comprehension abort!)… You continue to mingle for as long as you can and even successfully change the subject to something you know about…like…chicken…or the weather… “Ah!... Finally the conversation is on something that I have first hand experience with- the weather! Yes!... Single people have weather too. I’m back in the game!... "... “and we took Bobby outside and he was so blahdoo todee dot…” ...whoa…

Calia at a Mother's day brunch!

I have to think that people mean well! I was sitting at the table with my mother and enjoying my water and hydroxy-cut casserole listening to women talking about all of their trials and tribulations of motherhood. Smile, nod, smile...uh huh...

Woman: So mother's day must be so hard for you! You're all alone and you don't even have a dog!
My head: (oops...it looks like you got your boob stuck in your pants zipper, let me help you!)

~pause~

Me: Yeah... but i'm really busy working on all sorts of things. Besides, I'm waiting 10 years so my three headed baby can have an IQ of 420 and eventually help cure that brain defect that makes people want to say mean things!

My head: (crap...I don't think that response was any nicer than the first one... at least i'm working on it...)

Calia's Cards for Single women without children:

Mother's Day Card 1
Roses are yellow
Violets are blue
You can't find a fellow
But your hair sure looks good!

Mother's Day Card 2
Special days like this are for sharin'
Too bad children are a sparin'
Maybe one day you'll be good as me
and we'll hear your name on late night TV (love, Casey Anthony)

Sometimes I act a little childish!

I saw the girl who married a guy that I thought I was in a relationship with for 4 years (I don't know why I thought that...possibly because we had a house?.. my mistake...) She walked right by me in the grocery store and when she saw me, she immediately picked up her cell phone and started talking to him. I'm not even sure that he was on the other end... but that doesn't really matter. As I got to the checkout, she was in the line next to me... so...I took my groceries out of my cart and piled them on the counter with hers and said "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were here. I suppose these are yours?" ...and I smiled at her and then left them there and walked out of the store with nothing...

I giggled all the way to the car in some sort of twisted satisfaction that her butt had gotten a touch large and then drove, freely to another grocery store. (Petty Calia...really petty... hee hee hee...I know...)

Is Texting 4 Me?

I love gadgets! Since I was 5 years old and got my first Donny and Marie microphone, I have been obsessed with electronics! It was I who was able to position my little sister, wearing a foil hat, perfectly in an arabesque with her foot touching the television rabbit ears so that the Brady Bunch would come in clearer. That being said…why do I keep getting myself into so much trouble when I text? I sort of have refused to jump on the band wagon of the abbreviated spellings. My father was particular about not buying anything with a sign on it that said “4-sale.” It’s all in the presentation! We’ll compromise quality as long as the person from whom we buy it can spell the word ‘for’.

The other day I got a text message that said “Hi…lol!”…what? um…I pictured all that may have happened while my friend was writing that text:
(sound the merry-go-round fantasy music)
My mind went into slow motion and I pictured the scene:
“Hi” … she hadn’t sent the message yet and she turned around just in time to see a giant bird who looked down at her and said “come with me! I am a giant bird!” She went, of course cause that’s what we all do when a giant bird asks us to. A feather fell off of Mr. Bird as they stepped onto the Ferris wheel. It brushed up against her face and tickled and she started laughing out loud! …then she sent the text.

Is it Me?

I like to eat healthy and take pride in taking care of myself. I think this would be an admirable quality to the type of guy I am attracted to. Still…sometimes I wonder if it could possibly be me who’s a little off and sabotaging myself in dating? For example: I invited a friend over to watch a movie the other night. It was going to be fun! I have surround sound of course! Before the movie started, I opened the refrigerator door and as I peered at it’s content I asked, “Do you want a glass of eggs?”

Up in arms...

Now… I don’t know much about current events….as a matter of fact my mother once said “Calia! You know nearly nothing!” Thanks Mom! I know. Anyway…so I was reading the Bill of Rights the other day (it was on the table at the allergist’s office) and there was this rambling about a well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State thus giving people the right to keep and bear Arms. This shall not be infringed….blah blah blah…or something like that! (if you use the would 'shall', it always makes a sentence indisputable) Apparently these rights are being violated and Tennessee wants to help. What are all of these curfews and restraints on alcohol-serving restaurants? I mean…pooh pooh on that provision that doesn’t allow handguns in age-restricted restaurants? The only time I’ve ever needed a gun in a bar was after 11pm. As a matter of fact…my new purse has a special easy access gun pouch in it…ya know?…for those late nights when too many drunks get out of control and I climb up on the bar and shoot into the air and say “Now listen here! ...That guy is married…That girl’s a little trashy…Honey! That shirt doesn’t go with those pants…This music sucks!”… and then step down daintily and finish my red wine!

Other people's children!

I love kids! Never get me wrong on this! What i can't understand is why so many people drop off their kids to spend time with me? All ages! I actually invited my sister to go with me to the mall the other day cause i thought it would be fun! The strangest thing was that when she got here, she called a friend and somehow by the end of the conversation, the friend was going to bring her young twins over for me to watch while they went to the mall to get a break from their children. Wait? What? Help! I understand that apparently i'm socially unacceptable as an unmarried woman with no children! I understand that i'm ridiculed by mothers everywhere (who by the way...have food in their hair!) I understand that I have absolutely nothing to do and wrote my master's thesis on christmas day a couple years ago! Do you have to rub it in? Did you think that i fell for the "kind gesture" and empathetic words when you said "We just know how much you love children and feel so bad for you. My husband and I thought it would be nice for us to let you spend some time with our kids. You can take them anytime!" Maybe you should just say what you mean: "If we see another picture on our refrigerator of a tree or have to stop at McDonald's playland where we have to spray everyone down with antibacterial soap (so our children have absolutely no immune system one day), we are going to run screaming into the street as we set fire to the house!" Come to think of it...it's been so long since i've been to McDonalds that i don't even know if playland exists anymore. hmm...well...I hope not! That Grimace guy with the slide coming out of his mouth always scared me!

Don't get me wrong- I love children and I plan on having my own one day but until then, I have absolutely no need to take care of yours. I'm going for a run!

The scarcity principle…

I went out last night and I was having a nice time dancing and mingling. I was standing there with 2 married girls, 1 girl who has a boyfriend and 2 single guys around my age. I thought, “hey! The odds are much better than usual! Usually there are 5 single girls to every single guy! I know I can’t screw this up.” We talked about things that the guys were interested in. I used to interject with wit and charm but I have taken a little more laidback stance on that lately. I was really cool...
One of the guys started to talk about how his computer had gotten bogged down and how he was going to buy a new one. I jumped in and started to say, “Oh. Did you try msconfi…” (I stopped myself- guys can’t stand girls who know more about a subject than they do…I continued in a less knowledgeable voice…I even made the pitch a little higher with a playful giggle )” …I mean, “oh shoot! Mine’s messed up too! “ (the odds of me having a broken computer are very low)!” … Feewww…Good save! Now they are back in charge again. The guys spent most of the evening talking to the girl with the boyfriend. They were clamoring over her, buying her drinks all night. They knew that I was single and I was having fun with them but for some reason, the girl who was taken and giggled and drank all night, was the one they were begging for her number. I know you’re thinking “well! She must be hotter and younger!” Well…Not really! She was about the same age within a couple years, same body type, hair…not really any prettier I suppose. It occurred to me that they actually wanted her because she was taken. It’s the scarcity principle! If I had a “stunt” boyfriend with me, I bet guys would spend more time trying to be with me simply because I was with someone. It is human nature to want what other people already have! Hmm…well that sort of sucks! That means that people with a significant other can get another, less significant other? Doesn’t that mean that the people who are only attracted to people who already have someone, are deciding that the other is insignificant? That’s really convenient!

There’s really no way to change this obvious flaw in the human character. The only thing we can do is believe that a person who would be right for us, wouldn’t be interested in the type of person who may be coming off as available even though she is “taken.” Would that same guy be all right with it if he was that girl’s boyfriend and she was out acting as though he doesn’t matter? The hardest thing to realize is that It truly isn’t our problem! We can’t compare our lives to hers. The fact is that he isn’t likely the one for us if he can’t see the quality in front of him. We cannot allow these things to bother us because in the scheme of things, eventually the right person will choose us. Unfortunately it is hard to walk on the high road while you’re watching everyone running by you on the low one…

Older men at the gym!

What is up with all of these older men positioning themselves right in front of my treadmill at the gym? It really worries me! I can't possibly understand why they are the only ones who have the nerve to talk to me. I look young enough. It's not like they could think that i'm 50. I understand that we all seem to have an issue with our age but geez... you know how when you put on a couple pounds, it's better to wear your pants a little larger so you disguise the fact that you're a little heavy? well...these guys have got to wear their women a little older. Who the heck told these men that having a girlfriend 20 years younger than them made them look young? One guy actually told me that he liked women my age because women his age don't have their own body parts anymore. What the heck does that mean? He actually had the nerve to say that men age more gracefully than women and since he has been told that he looked 10 years younger than his age, he was really only 6 years older then me. Was he just trying to confuse me? Had he done the math and i was actually 16 years younger than he was? Come on! I spent 45 minutes in the shower after that workout...

Do single people eat at tables?

I was talking to a friend today who said that he never leaves the table until his plate is empty! What? Table? I mean....I have a table...with a nice candle on it....it has chairs with it and everything! I don't think i've ever eaten at the table in my life. I remember making dinner and setting the table for my sister and her husband once but that must've been before I decided that there's really no need to have people over! Things end up out of place. Is it possible that people who are really good at being alone, get so good at it that they crave it? Should i be eating my protein bars for dinner at my laptop? Maybe i need to make more of attempt at being social? The problem is that i like things in order. I know this is an issue for many overachieving, obsessive compulsive neat freaks! My father used to stop by sometimes on the way to work and if he found no one there and my bed un-made, i would get call after call worrying that someone had kidnapped me. Come to think of it, if my bed was un-made, there are only two possibilities of what may have happened: either i was kidnapped or my sister had come in and un-made it as a joke as she blew by on the way to my closet! Either way...there was no way that i would be coming home and setting my things down until the bed was re-made and the glass that my sister must've left in the sink was washed! I love order! The funny thing is that though this may sound like a stressful lifestyle, i believe that i'm possibly the most stressfree person that i know. The more i do during a day, the longer the day becomes! The happier I am, the happier I get! The smile and wave that i give to the person who flips me off in the morning when i cut her off as I zip around in my little stressfree, perfectly clean car makes me giggle! I'm not sure that there is really anything anyone could do to set me off...oh...wait...I hope my sister isn't reading this...she may know a thing or two...but I'm not going to let that stress me out! :)

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

A colleague of mine was talking to me about how dating is difficult for him. He is 28 and he is looking for a girl between the ages of 20 and 24 so "she hasn't formed any of her own ideas yet." He also said "i could never date anyone like you because you can tell you have something going on behind your eyes. It's obvious that you have formed your own opinions on things. Also, the age thing would be a problem because men age so much more gracefully than women. No offense!"

None taken! ....

Possibly I'm just not clear?

I like to think that i have really good communication skills. I am open and completely honest with everyone I meet. One time I told a guy "You are so nice. You would be absolutely perfect for me if you were a completely different person." I need some help with this if you guys are listening? To me, I think that is a pretty clear statement of disinterest. It seems that I've run into this over and over again and for some reason guys have heard "I think I have a chance with her." Is that what I meant? What about the "completely different person" part? Is it possible that I am over-communicating? Another example of this is one time when my sister brought a guy home and asked if I liked him. I replied “Yes. He’s really good looking! If he wore shoes, had a job, a driver’s license, and about 6 more years of higher education, I’d snap him right up!”… What?… Is it me?

One time I remember telling a guy that we weren’t dating and I wasn’t his girlfriend. All of a sudden I had to break up with him? Well how can that be? I never remember giving him the paper with the check boxes on it:

I like you but want to continue to “hang out” with 13 other women____
I want you to put your life completely on hold and tend to my dinner____
I like you but I don’t want to be seen with you in public____
I don’t like you at all but you’ll do until I meet the one_____
Please be my girlfriend…“Heart” me ____

I was driving home one night and saw his car in my driveway…so I passed my own house. Possibly he just wasn’t the “right” guy!

The difference between girls and guys…

I absolutely appreciate the male way of thinking… My closest friends are guys! I definitely get it. That being said…Is it just me or is there an alternate measurement of time that men follow? I mean…I understand the 3 day rule: That’s the one where by the time they actually call you after meeting them, you have already written them off as not interested and don’t recognize the number or even take the call, right? …It’s my favorite…right after the one where the 28 year old guy I hung out with kept running up behind me and pulling my feet out from under me so I would fall! –That’s really funny!…there is truly nothing like a broken arm or two to make a relationship really work!

Anyway…what I am confused about is dying cell phone batteries. My cell phone battery has died before too… when I was stranded for 7 days in a desert without food, water, and my spare batteries. I have a friend who consistently does this to me. One time I had dinner on the table and he was on his way to my house. In the middle of the conversation, while he was driving an hour to get here, his phone died. This particular guy has at least 3 cell phones that I know of. I couldn’t reach him back. There was no indication that something had gone wrong in our conversation but he never showed up. Three days later, I got a picture message of his puppy…WHAT?…Am I missing something. Did the puppy kidnap him and want me to send ransom? The puppy was definitely not clear in its pupprietary communication. I was very worried…I mean… I had no details of the crime that had taken place. What was I to do? Call the police and explain? They would think I was crazy - everyone knows that puppies don’t have enough fingers to text. My only hope was to try to make contact with the puppy and find out what I needed to do to save his life! I called and called for three weeks but the puppy wasn’t answering... clearly I hadn’t been able to save his life from this vicious Maltese. I was very sad. … One day, out of the blue, somewhere around 4 weeks later, I got a message from the guy. He said, “Where have you been, stranger? Nice! -Not returning my calls.”…What the heck? …the dog must’ve erased his memory and set him free! We never speak of the subject to avoid him having to relive the trauma. We are still friends, now 4 years later. He just never returns my calls but calls me when he feels like it… to ask me where I’ve been.

The Odds seem bleak!

I am very troubled by the fact that though i truly adore men and the way their minds work, it seems that no matter how far and wide you search, from driveway curb layers to the leaders of the free world, there is a disconnect between common sense and "what seems like the right thing to say or do at the moment." Oh Biden! Possibly telling the country that you would tell your own family to avoid airplanes and subways wasn't the best choice during a recession? How about saying something like "i suggest hiding in your houses eating canned goods and avoiding all stores, gas stations, schools and any internet purchases due to all of the viruses you hear about computers getting too?" I would've stood up and applauded your performance as the already devastated economy ground to a screeching halt! Don't get me wrong...I don't think Hillary Clinton would've handled it any better. This is a woman who chose to stand by her man as he "didn't" get any bodily fluids on a random girl's dress while he wasn't having sex with her! The bottom line is that we are all pretty screwed here! Women have been so broken down by the fact that if we were to hold out for a brilliant man who had his life together and wanted to be true to one woman, we would be sitting here at 10 o'clock on a sunday night blogging....oh...wait...crap... I guess i'm going to have to get back to you on this...it's possible that i have nothing to say on this topic...hmm....

Not my type?

I was talking to a friend today who said he knew a guy that he thought would be interesting for me to meet. I know how this usually goes and apparently no one I know has ever met me…hmm… He told me that he had recently bought a new jeep. (DING DING DING DING!)…I bet he has a dog and likes the woods too!

For some reason nearly every guy that I’ve ever found a little bit attractive has driven a BMW sport utility. I could meet someone out at any given evening and if he seems the least bit interesting to me, he always gets into a black BMW sport utility at the end of the night - Without fail! It’s happened probably 5 times in the last few years. I’m not exactly sure what it is about these guys. I know that it isn’t about money where I’m concerned. It’s got to be their exacting nature and the innocent, pretty look that says “I’m a very nice guy…and I’m going to completely screw you over with my emotional unavailability and lack of need for anyone in my life!” Yummy! Not only that…for some reason his name is usually longer than mine from having actually added syllables to it instead of shortening it like any Jimmy, Johnny, Butch Bob…! I LOVE THIS MAN! …as for the Jeep guy…um…sorry…did you really remove your doors? For god’s sake man! No doors? You don't see my BMW guys taking off their doors...unless of course some irresponsible driver of a Ford Focus pulls up next to them in the Marriott Parking lot (while they are camping) and dings one...then they have it towed to the nearest dealer and cut their trip short!

So my mother called today and said that I really need to make sure that I lay off Fr.Cutie! Come on Mom… That was like putting a speed limit sign in front of my crazy sister! I had no intention of even addressing the subject about a man whose last name so perfectly sums him up! Yeah…I go to church each week with my Catholicy Goodness and my envelopes. It’s a huge part of my identity. But…these Priests are men first. They go into the seminary as young boys and believe their calling is enough. How many men do you know that got married at 22 and are still married? Imagine if your wife was God! He’s got to be hard to keep up with. You let your guard down for one second and you accidentally make a mistake and the next thing you know, he’s forgiving you but reciting a whole bunch of rules he wrote on rocks so many years ago that now they are past practice! Priests are people too!

As for my mother…did you mean not to say anything about him or to not go after him? Don’t worry about that…he looks like he drives a BMW…but I don’t even go out with guys with ex-wives! I don’t think I’d touch this one! I’d hate to come home to find my bushes burning on my stove…!

Too much attention?

Whether you are a man or a woman, people have different degrees of the amount of attention they can stand from their significant other. I was talking to a guy once who thought that the connection needed to be constant. I would be driving home from one of my excursions and get call after call wondering where I was. One night I was coming home late and I decided to answer the phone. He wanted me to talk to him until I got home because he was “worried about me!” …Oh my! I don’t know how I’ve stayed alive this long without a him. I mean… He’s right!… What if I had hit a deer in my #1 safety rated car, 3 miles from my house, bumped my head on the dash and my amnesia stripped carcass was dragged into the woods into a tiny, underground fox hole while rats nibbled away at my license plates and gnawed the registration on the car window beyond recognition? I had never known, until this moment, how much danger I had been in while I was flitting around like a spirited, irresponsible child! All this time I thought the only reason I was feeling like something was missing from my life was because I had no one to tell me when the heck garbage day was when a holiday falls on a Friday!

…Luckily I made it home that night…just in time to call verizon and have my phone number changed!

Have you met anyone yet?

Why is the first question that nearly everyone asks when they first see me, “Have you met anyone yet?” I’ve even had people grab my hand to see if I’m married now. One lady actually said “Oh! The holidays must be so hard for you. You are all alone and you don’t even have a dog!” I answer politely… “Yeah…I should just end it now! Thank you for reminding me.” I mean…am I supposed to have a dog? …I suppose the 5 or 10 minutes a day when I make a joke and then turn to myself and laugh would have more of an audience - the hospital emergency room staff who was reviving me after going near the dog!...I have got to get “The Outcasts of Society- The Pathetic Single Person’s Rules and Regulations” book. That way I won’t be offending all of the people who are in relationships and constantly losing sleep over me!

People are funny!

Isn’t it interesting that the nicer you are to people, the more they think that they have the right to walk all over you or say rude things? For instance, I colored my hair dark one time and a woman felt that she needed to say, “you used to walk by me and just pop with energy. Now with brown hair, you look like a faded little wren.” (...hmm)... That’s nice. It was that same week that a person came up to me while I was performing and told me that "You are supposed to be blonde and you no longer look good.” ...Of course, having a faulty "mouth impulse stopping action" (that I’m really working very hard on) I said, “Well… I like you better thinner and I see they're still bringing food to your table.” …oops…why can’t I control that? The funny thing is that I have this thing: “You’re not the boss of me!” You know? …and yet, those people sort of were the boss of me because I changed the color back about as fast as I could...Baby steps...

What did I learn from this experience? well...I'm really not a nice person...wait...no! That's not it! I have to learn that what other people think about something that I'm doing should never matter to me. I take too much of what people say to heart. I have a feeling that if single people worried less about how it looks that they are single, or what people might think if they went out with someone that others don't find suited for them, or even stopped worrying about what people aren't even saying to begin with, it would be much easier to allow life to fall into place! Put others out of your mind! Nobody has the same previous set of circumstances or future path so what is right for others may or may not be right for you! I'm thinking that it all comes together in the end in a way that we'd least expect anyway. We might as well forget trying to micromanage it and just live each moment to it's fullest so we don't wake up one day and wonder where the time went while we were waiting for life to start!

Overuse injury?

I met a guy at the gym who was struggling over a really young girl who wasn’t giving him enough attention. My immediate reaction was to help him! I mean…clearly things weren’t going well for him…since she had a boyfriend, but I kept talking to him about it when I would see him. I spent way too much time on this…and by too much time…I’m talking about 25 minutes or so, on a treadmill! She would talk to me…he would talk to me…then last night I found out that they were using me to make each other jealous. He even told her that I went to dinner with him. Wait a minute…I don’t remember dinner…have I lost time in my head somehow? Uh oh…I knew eventually I would suffer the typical overuse injuries that doing anything in any excess can cause…working out ruins your knees, singing puts wear on your voice, typing and playing the piano gives you carpal tunnel…gee…I thought that your brain was the only thing in the world you couldn’t “overuse!” Wrong again?? After I heard this, I started another conversation with him as though I thought I could help again…or at least explain to him why it wasn’t cool…The conversation went like this: “I don’t think you are really doing the right thing here. Why are you working so hard to be with someone who doesn’t like you?...I can’t underblah…blah blah…ohmoodoo doodah…” …and then I walked away realizing that trying to reason with someone who is interested in a girl whose 17 years younger than I am is very silly. So I went home and deleted him from my facebook. It wasn’t as personally gratifying as slamming the telephone down used to be in the olden days… and he won’t even notice…but now I don’t ever have to worry about that situation again. We can’t waste so much time on energy sucking people! They will never see things the way we do…but why should they? Walk away and leave room for people who already think like you…that way you won’t have any “common sense reasoning” overuse injuries!