Wedding Etiquette for the Single Girl…

Did you know that if you are not in a long-term relationship, you are suppose to decline the “and guest” portion of a wedding invitation?…geez…thanks a lot. I’m already “partnerily challenged” and now the wedding police have to come in and prove it?…Nothing like kicking a girl when she’s down. I can hear it now! “She has no one in her life. Let’s play a bunch of ballads and rejoice in love while she sits at the table by herself.” Thanks! I needed that. I was just in the middle of feeling like I had a reason to live. I appreciate you sending me an invitation to your wedding. I’m very happy for you! Would you like me to wear taffeta and an intense amount of blue eye shadow too?…I’ll do that for you…cause that’s the kind of selfless caring girl that I am. I’ll even buy you a gift for that house that you have already lived together in for 3 years!

What exactly is the amount of time that you need to be “with” a person before they are considered an “and guest?” There should be a checklist:

Do you know the person’s middle initial?
Do you know whether the person is married or not (We’d hate for you to run into his wife’s cousin and spoil our day)?
Have you taken him to Thanksgiving or another major holiday? (This one doesn’t work for me because I’d bring anyone to the holidays so I can entertain myself with inside jokes about how I’ll probably never bring him again)
Do you say, “We’re seeing each other?” or “This is my boyfriend?”

All in all, I can’t imagine being with someone long enough to consider him a “significant other.” I guess I’ll be the one who sits alone at the table with someone’s grandmother’s pick for me. I’m sure he’s a nice boy but his lack of social skills and bitter resentment for the opposite sex are mind-numbing! Thanks for trying though. I’ll clear the tables for you instead of cluttering your “big day” with the laughter and fun that I might’ve had if I had brought a date.