Friday, October 30, 2009

Chasing the chase?

It seems that the more people I talk to, the more I believe that it's human nature to want what we don't already have. I have to say that I love what I have…I JUST WANT MORE! So what would happen if I got more? Would I be completely satisfied? Or would I still need more to be happy? You see it with people all the time. The more people have, the more they want. I remember sitting on the bench at the university as a young college sophomore thinking that I couldn’t wait to get to NYC so I could be happy. Everyone used to say, “Calia. Where are you going?” I’d say, “NYC”. They’d say, “But don’t you have Spanish?”…I’d turn sheepishly and say, “Oh yeah…I’m going to NYC after Spanish.” It took me a long time to realize that no matter what I had in each moment, the chase of what I didn’t have yet was what was pulling me to the next. This is great motivation but requires a balance of loving the now in order to truly be happy in it! I watch people struggle with this all the time. I’ve watched people get into relationships because they desperately want one…then when they get in, they long to have the newness back…so they cheat…then they get caught…then they cycle through the next relationship till the newness wears off…These people will never be satisfied with what they have until they stop for a minute to be aware of what that is. I have learned the lesson of loving the now but still falter sometimes in this regard. I love everything that I have but I don’t think I’ll ever be truly happy until I have a family. It’s the most important thing in the world to me. It always has been…right after the one about going to NYC.(which I didn’t even really want to do…I just liked to say I wanted something other than what I had so I’d have an excuse for not being happy yet!) Once I get married, will I only be happy once I have a child?…then I’ll only be happy once that child graduates high school and I can spend quality time with my husband again…then I’ll be happy once we can retire…Where exactly does healthy ambition leave off, and insanity kick in?

So… Are people only happy when they are chasing what they don’t have? It works that way in the dating scene too. Guys want the girls who have boyfriends because they belong to someone else. Women want the bad boy who no one has been able to pin down into a healthy relationship to prove that she can get him. Wow! That’s a really great plan? Do we only want the unachievable so we are sure to fail? Or do we just need to be working on something all the time so we have an excuse not to be there yet? That seems a little self-defeating doesn’t it?

I have decided that I need to stop chasing and just be. In a year or two if I haven’t had a family, I can always join a convent so I have an excuse for not meeting anyone! At least there, I don’t have to worry about whether or not my shoes match my purse!…and I bet once I’m taken by God, all the guys will want me!