Saturday, February 6, 2010

Nice Guys Finish Last?

It’s interesting how we see things sometimes. I ran into a guy who has recently decided that in order to get a girl to like him, he needs her to think he isn’t nice! Okay…that’s the old “nice guys finish last” stuff. It is an age-old speculation. The problem is that “nice guys” who have convinced themselves that they will in fact always “finish last”, perpetuate it…geez…which came first? The chicken or the egg?…or should I say “the nice guy finishing last” or the “nice guy who got to the finish line first and when the gold ribbon turned out to be all tarnished, had to go to the back of the race?” The truth is that a healthy, nice girl, wants a nice guy. The catch is that the guy has likely chosen the previously broken girl who expects to be treated badly in order to set both of them up in a self-fulfilling prophecy of defeat!…Combine that with the pattern of believing that girls don’t want “nice guys”, and we have a recipe for serial relationship failure! Well that’s just freakin’ terrific! So does that mean that he’s screwed?…No. I just know that he will likely read this and by now he has already decided that he is. Oh well…don’t worry! You’re not screwed…yet…(hee hee!)

What is a guy supposed to think if over and over again, he watches guys who don’t seem to be as nice as him, constantly walking away with the girl while he stands alone? If he is “nice” and he feels like he’s “last”, then “all nice guys finish last.”…It is an inaccurate syllogism. Unfortunately though, he is right about the fact that some girls are attracted to the “bad boy!” BUT…what he is wrong about are the reasons she would be attracted to that bad boy. It is not that he is “bad”, it’s the confidence he walks into a room with that she is drawn to. It’s likely something he developed from many years of superficial praise from meaningless relationships. From a woman’s point of view, she unknowingly thinks, “maybe I’ll be different and he will treat me well…blah blah blah…I’ve got to have him!” Yeah…you’ll be different! Good luck with that!…The only thing that would make it possible is if “he” were different! The problem is that no “healthy” woman wants a bad boy for much more than to write blogs about!…Oh well…it’s all in the way you spin the story I guess!…Anyway…the issue is the level of confidence that anyone would be able to exude when they are on the heals of realizing that someone they put their trust in has let them down…. another problem with the fact that you can’t be in a “relationship” all by yourself!…Of course if it was possible, you would only have yourself to blame when it went bad…possibly a thought for another time though…The truth is that the confidence does come back once all of the trouble has been sorted out, but sometimes a little bit of “something” in the attention from the opposite sex area would go a long way towards jumpstarting the process. That being said, that little bit of something could dangerously set you in motion towards another unhealthy relationship simply because that feeling of having someone showing you attention on the heals of feeling nothing but pain for an extended period of time, can easily make you think of that person as your “savior.” It’s never what you think. “The soul mate” will show up in your life when you are ready for her – not when you intend to meet her. No games are necessary. People need to realize that their lives aren’t a race to “finish first.” Staying true to yourself and believing that there is someone who is looking for someone exactly like you, is the only way to be sure that what presents itself is the real thing. The catch is that she won’t get here until you’ve stopped speculating about previous, fresh experiences while the "variable" will only give you her version of the truth as she sees it at the time she decides to torment you with it. It’s really not worth it.

The magic eightball would say "outlook not good, try again."...Oh boy. Does that mean that people need to wallow in their own discontentment for the unknown period of time it takes them to heal? Unfortunately it means that everyone has the right to need that time, and annoyingly, it's during that time that people believe they need someone new more than ever. The most important thing though, is to use it to regain one’s confidence! The "self contentment" a person learns from using the negative experience to grow, coupled with the fact that “I’m happy in this moment, I just want more!”, is the magic that will eventually shine out of you when you walk into the room where your soul mate will be. That’s when you’ll look ahead at the people who ran the race on the low road as they are wheezing and tired with very little to show for their light-hearted efforts at taking the “easy way”, and be rejuvenated on the path you were meant to be on all along. In this case, the “nice guy finishes happy!”


Steve said...

Alas, I can't agree this time Calia. Nothing about my last year suggests that nice guys finish anything but last. I find myself bloodied on the tracks I said I would avoid, I'm afraid. Confidence in myself is lost. Not that it matters, as I can't imagine I'll ever find a girl who is not going to treat me badly.

I have accepted my failings in this area, and have resolved to stay single forever. I surrender. I just can't go on.


Calia said...

I wrote this blog because I met a guy who had a similar attitude and I wanted him to understand the reasons why he was thinking that "being nice" was the problem. Unfortunately, recurring bad luck in the dating department perpetuates more bad luck due to the damage it does to our self-esteem. THIS IS NOT JUST A GUY ISSUE! I agree completely that sometimes it is easier not to try at all because not getting your hopes up often feels better than the let down at the end of the day when your hopes of something you excitedly believed in, turns out to be something completely different. Again I want to let you know that I more than understand what it feels like to meet the exact same person over and over again, each time with a different name and facade that quickly fades into more of the same garbage that you so had hoped to avoid due to previous experience with the type. Yes! It is true that it appears that there are far more jerks out there (men and women alike)than there are kind and considerate people, but luckily that's why we call her/him "the one!" - There only has to be one who clears your distorted, but well warranted perception, that "no one wants a nice guy!" "No one wants a nice guy" should be replaced by "the girls I've run into don't seem to appreciate what a nice guy has to offer them due to their own set of circumstances that have taught them to believe that they deserve or want something else." Those girls will find something else, but luckily they aren't going to waste your time while they are searching for it because they will end up far unhappier than the person you devote your life to. Will they know that they are unhappy? Who knows? It really doesn't matter if they know it or not because the person who is right for you will know, and let you know how happy she is to have found exactly what she was looking for in you.

Calia said...

There is definitely something to be said for bringing in more of the same by expecting it. How many times have you repeated the story in your own head about girls "not wanting what you have to offer?"...I know this all too well! a matter of fact, it was my "act" for many years. I have to admit that the negative self-talk still creeps in sometimes BUT I'm trying to avoid it. If you say it over and over again, even you will start to believe it. If you believe that no one is out there, you will always fulfill your wish that no one will be out there! At least you won't be wrong! I, however, don't believe that for you. I believe that you should stop yourself from saying anything in regard to "failing in this area" and especially "resolving yourself to stay single forever"...unless of course you want to. None of us really want to, but sometimes we feel like it would be easier to believe that we do, and be pleasantly surprised when we don't, than to believe that the person is also looking for us but keeps running into the "same old jerk" over and over again just long enough to pass the time until the two of you happen to be in the same room together!

My advice is to repair the thoughts (that, at times are so well documented that this tall order seems ridiculous) that leave you standing in the same place time and time again. Change the self-talk into something positive and remove the beliefs that limit you. I ridiculous does it really sound that you'd be alone forever? (Sometimes it does seem that way though!- but forever is a very long time!) You can't afford to get discouraged because it's confidence that attracts women to men. Without it, the "bad guy" will walk out the door with the girl every time! He sucks and so does the girl who wants him! Let them live unhappily everafter together- her, him, his secretary, his alimony payment, his kids, her kids, his wife's kids, his baggage, and her resentment for having never met someone like you!

Please don't ever give up. Walk into the next room you enter with your head held high playing the words over and over again in your head, "thank God I'm not wasting time with the wrong girl! Someone wonderful is looking for me! I wonder if she's here tonight?" If not tonight...then the next...or the next...but she will find you as long as you don't bury your head so deeply that you can't see her wave at you from across the room!

I'm sending you good energy! Happy day Steve! Believe in a little magic- especially when you need it the most!

Calia :)