Talk Like a Pirate Day?

What the?…Now I’m as fun as the next guy…I mean girl, but what the heck? Are people so stressed that they need to invent more days to act like idiots? I have found that in general, everyday is “act like an idiot” day. As a matter of fact, I have the talk like a pirate pointers here that I have used as a guideline to write my new holiday’s rules:

Act like a Pirate day Guideline:

• Growl - and scowl often. Pirates don't use a cultured, elegant, smooth vocalization - they mutter and growl.

Act Like an Idiot day rule:

• Try to pick up a girl in a bar by saying, “I’m wondering what my pants would look like on my bedroom floor.”

Act like a Pirate day Guideline:

• Use pirate lingo. Sounding like a pirate isn't as hard as it seems! There are lots of resources for picking up pirate "lingo," so make use of them in addition to trying to affect a vocal sound. Avoid using modern epithets (swear words). It's much more colorful (and kid-friendly) to use "pirate slang" for those naughty words.

Act Like an Idiot day rule:

• Use slang in the middle of your words as often as possible. Ie: Abso-frickin’-lutely… (girls think this is HOT and are enamored by your ability to gracefully slide in and out of class! It’s like a modern day pig-latin!)

Act like a Pirate day Guideline:

• Gesture with your hands frequently. Don't forget that pirates do most of their talking on the deck of a ship - out on the ocean, where wind, waves, and bird calls make it tough to hear. Gesturing often gives you a sense of "being there."

Act Like an Idiot day rule:

• When a girl says she isn’t interested in you, try flipping her off from across the room as often as possible. She will likely want you more! We are very impressed by anger and rage! YUM!

Act like a Pirate day Guideline:

• Run words together. Saying, "The boys and I were out for a lovely day on the water today" sounds like something you'd overhear at a yacht club, not out on the bounding main! Instead, try, "Me'n'these here scurvy scallywags drug our sorry keesters out t'th'ship'n'had us a grand great adventuaaarrr! We almost had t'keelhaul Mad Connie f'r gettin inter th' grog behind our backs!" Use contractions whenever possible. Be sure to punctuate often with "Arrrr!"

Act Like an Idiot day rule:

• Get drunk enough so that you slur your speech! Women love it when guys walk up to them and point in their face as they say, “I…think you are…rea…lly…pre….tt..y and my friend…told me… that you are easy!”

Act like a Pirate day Guideline:

• Never use "you" or "you're" - ever. Instead, use the piratical form, "yer" or "ya" for all forms of address to others. "Yer a scurvy bilge rat, ya pompous gasbag" or "Here's yer dinner, ya mangy cockroach." Note that you should always endeavor to call the addressee by some insulting name, usually involving an animal.

Act Like an Idiot day rule:

• Never use “you” or “you’re”…Women are especially attracted to men who will say, “Yer a scurvy bilge rat, ya pompous gasbag!” (oops…it looks as though I’ve overlapped my holiday with theirs! Sorry!…I guess that means that if you are celebrating act like a pirate day, you probably shouldn’t ask me out.)

Maybe I’ll start marketing a holiday called, “Treat people with respect day!” Hopefully that one day a year can be a day when all of us (both men and women) who complain that there is no one out there to date, will meet someone great and fall for them before we realize that it was all an act!