Three 30-something Girls…and a baby…

I went to see my nephew today. My sister is definitely feeling the stresses of the 24/7 nature of a baby. My friend and I thought it would be nice to give her a little break and let her take a nap!

Two Childless 30-something Girls: 0 Baby: 0

We went for a long walk across the tiny island we call NYC! We made it about 2 blocks and the baby needed to eat.

Calia: (in ridiculous high pitched baby talk...) Just a second baby!

Baby: (unreceptive to what seems like a reasonable request) whine….

Calia pushes the stroller a little faster and the ‘SUV of strollers’ slams into the base of a scaffolding and spins around throwing her onto her friend’s foot!...oops…sorry!...ouch…I’m sure I probably broke her toe but she’s pretty nice and will never tell me. I will likely be taking her to a foot doctor next week but won’t recall why.

Two Childless 30-something Girls: 0 Baby: 1

We made it to the park and sat down on a bench and gave him his bottle. That went very well. We took turns holding him and taking pictures as though we were tourists who had just found a baby in NYC. I assure you that we looked like we just found this baby too. When the bottle was gone, we weren’t sure if that was all we needed to do. My friend’s phone rang. It was her mechanic:

Friend: The car’s done? Great!...wait…I have a 7 month old baby here. Do we have to burp him or is he self burping at this age?

People were watching as we laughed…even the baby was laughing at us by now!

Two Childless 30-something Girls: 0 Baby: 2

We put him back in the stroller and continued our walk. We got to the seaport and it was absolutely beautiful. The baby was happy and fed and enjoying the 95 degree heat!...wait…just then he started getting a little warm and the sun was in his eyes. We decided to duck into the air conditioning and give him the rest of his bottle. We sat down inside and gave him a little more formula.

Calia: Wait a minute… Maybe he needs changing??

Friend: Oh my God! (she says laughing) You mean we can’t take a baby out for the day and just feed him and that’s it? I’ll check the stroller for diapers.

There was no diaper bag. We laughed even harder.

Friend: (jokingly to passersbys!) Excuse me! You don’t happen to have any wet wipes and diapers do you?

Now…everyone knows that passerbys in NYC really don’t think people who talk to you are all that funny! Of course we were still laughing and that was really all that mattered. They didn’t reply…but I did see one of them trying hard not to acknowledge us with a smile!

Two Childless 30-something Girls: 0 Baby: 3

We decided to head back home! The baby was really fussing and warm by now and we had quite a walk back.

Calia: (Noticing another lady pushing a stroller and carrying a diaper bag, she says under her breath) Hey. I’ll distract that lady. You take her diaper bag!

My friend laughed… then looked at me as if to question whether I was joking or not… and decided against stealing the diaper bag. I was kidding…sort of! Besides…I knew she wouldn’t do it. She’s quite a stickler for the “rules!” The baby was really fussing and upset now so I had to pick him up out of the stroller and carry him. How hard could that be? He’s only 21 pounds and we only have a couple miles to go!...um…Oh!...

Two Childless 30-something Girls: 0 Baby: 4

…Sweating…baby…getting… really… heavy…

Two Childless 30-something Girls: 0 Baby: 5

Two Childless 30-something Girls: 0 Baby: 6

We decided to put the calmed baby back in the stroller where he fell asleep. Within minutes, we made it back home. Sleeping babies are really easy! This baby stuff is cake!

Note to self: Never ask someone like me to watch my baby one day!...and get a Nanny!

The Impersonal Life

Well…I’m a little worried that I have a learning disability right now. I never had one before…but I wasn’t born in the 90’s so they weren’t diagnosing “being a kid” with ADD, ADHD, etc….yet! There was a tiny struggle in 10th grade with proofs but then I figured out that if I actually listened to the teacher while she was talking, I did understand them and got a 96 on the regents exam. So what is wrong with me right now?…I’ll explain: A friend of mine suggested that I needed to read a book called “The Impersonal Life” by Joseph Benner so I could start meditating or mellowing out and focusing on myself a little…actually…I may be making that up. She didn't tell me why she wanted me to read it and I’m 28 pages into it and still don’t have any idea. I haven’t understood a single word of it. Here’s an example of a sentence and you can tell me if I need to get the money back that I spent on about 10 years of higher education. Possibly I have grounds for a lawsuit against the university? Here goes:

“Yes, I AM You, Your SELF; that part of you who says I AM and is I AM;”

uh…WTF? Possibly people have been texting me too much? For some reason, every time something is in caps, I scream it in my head! The strange thing is that this book is advertised as having saved Elvis Presley’s life. …wait…didn’t he die at like 39 or something? Oh crap! …and there is a Graceland version too. Maybe he had the cliff notes or something? You can’t tell me that Elvis was “deeper” than I am? That doesn’t seem right! Wasn’t he the one who was “All Shook Up?”

This is just great! I get a book to help me meditate, take time for myself, relax, not have to be so productive in mind and body all the time…and I’m looking for the cliff notes! I do rush through things sometimes. I think that is also why I hate to date. Some people like the adventure of getting to know someone…they crave the “newness”…I’m just the opposite! I’d rather be issued the cliff notes so I can study ahead so I don’t have to read the irrelevant fine print. I like comfortable…known…being able to complete each other’s sentences. I guess that means that I skip over all the good parts? Oh no! I do that in life? …Well! Isn’t this a fine how do you do? I hate all this self-reflective garbage! It’s like I always say… “You don’t die of anything until you’re diagnosed with it!”

…well…at least now I don’t have to read that darn book!…I got the point. I am going to flip to the last page and see how it ends though! ;)

Is it hot enough for you?

I have to say that I’m pretty sick of complainers! It’s 90 degrees and humid today. Every 5 minutes a warning comes across the screen telling people that they should avoid strenuous activities, wear light clothing, and drink plenty of fluids! Uh…duh? Is this the first time anyone’s ever been to earth in the summer time? That’s right warning writers! We are all complete idiots and we had no idea that when we stepped outside in our snowsuits…in July…that it was an improper choice of attire. I have to wonder if they are just coming up with things to write for job security. I’m just waiting for the day that I’m watching CSI and the television starts beeping, as it cuts the sound out of the most important scene by the way, to say, “Warning…Johnny has just stepped out of the warning office to go to the bathroom! The following warning areas are affected by this and should maintain vigilance of unwarned hail, snow, rain, heat, bomb threats, etc…You name it, you are officially unprotected and should use your own devices while Johnny, the warning writer, has stepped into the restroom! We repeat: Johnny the warning guy is unable to warn you at this time! If anything catastrophic occurs, you will not be instructed to tune to another station, you will not be given periodic updates, you will not…oh wait…Johnny has returned and there is no threat assessed at this time. We now return you to your regular programming already in progress.”…We are quickly becoming a world of people who can’t think for ourselves. Whether it be knowing how hot it is outside, or how to feel about politics depending on the media slants of whatever channel you’re watching. We are constantly being influenced by what the puppet masters of the world want us to believe. I love my GPS! That being said though…Have you ever noticed that when you follow its instructions for every turn, you could get somewhere and have no idea how to get back if it stopped working? I think I’m going to try to observe things for myself for a few days and see how that goes for me. Like for instance today…I’m going to take off this long sleeved, black pantsuit (that I just went for a run in) and put on…let’s say…a sun dress!…and yes! It is hot enough for me!…It’s freakin’ summer!

“Mainstream”

A friend of mine just facebooked me and invited me to go to a bone marrow drive. ...um...does it sound selfish that that doesn't actually sound like fun to me? I should really go back and re-read that invitation a little closer. I mean…I’d love to share…but that doesn’t exactly sound like a fun, 2 hour party with orange juice and hip hop. Is it just me? I worry sometimes that I'm just not "mainstream" enough. This may have been my problem all along. I used to invite my friends over in elementary school and get them all set up with food, roller-skates and music in my parent’s carriage house and then go inside to practice my flute. It seemed right to me then…but…looking back on it now, I’m not sure that this was common practice for a 10-year-old girl? In high school I used to sit and play the piano while I made up random thoughts to go with the chord progressions. Perhaps I was a little bit different than the other kids. The funny thing is that now, “un-cool” seems to be the new “cool.” People flock to me like I’m the pied piper (nice flute reference huh?) Children walk up to me off the street and throw their arms around me. One little girl said that she wanted to be just like me when she grew up. Oh!…eh…!…Honey, be very careful with that!… But I suppose that she could do worse. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that if that dream of hers worked out, she’d be spending night after night laughing alone at her own piffy wittery! Then again, by then, hopefully the boys who are growing up today will be a little more accepting of women who are walking to the beat of their own drum. (And actually, judging from how useless some of these guys are getting these days, they just may need a girl who can bring home the bacon… and write a song about it!) …I guess I sort of am “the girl next door” of the future…of course the guy next door to me is growing weed and I accidentally weed whacked some of it on the edge of the property the other day. Oops…sorry! My bad!

Oh well…I suppose it is interesting that there is so much room in this world for differences. I was told once that everyone is crazy and all you need to do to find a “partner in crime”, is find someone whose “crazy” lines up and compliments yours. Oh no! Does that mean that I can’t just go out with a mainstream guy? Crap! Foiled again!

Why do guys keep flipping me off?

I can’t figure out why this always happens to me. I was singing at a wedding last night and a guy walked up to me while I was singing, all sweaty, drunk, and “dancy”. This is how it went:

Drunk guy: “uh…this…isn’t…uh…if you weren’t so…uh?”

Me: “um,…bouncy?”

Drunk guy: “no. BEAUTIFUL!”

Me: “oh! Thank you!”

Drunk guy: “If you weren’t so beautiful, I’d tell you this isn’t music.”

Me: “Oh! Well then! Lucky me! I’m sure glad I am!…run along now!” (then I pointed to the dance floor and he actually went away)

The guy was definitely dancing and having a lot of fun but had clearly had a few! I guess he was in the “Mony Mony” stage of his drunkenness and we weren’t playing that! We went on break and I was sitting with my band in the other room. That same guy walked near us and paused before he opened the restroom door to enter to look at me a few feet away. I smiled and said, “Don’t go into the ladies’ room!”…He looked at the triangle-skirted diagram on the door with the word, “Ladies” printed underneath, smiled a little, flipped me off, and then turned and walked into the men’s room instead! I actually can’t tell you how many times this has actually happened!…well…not the ladies’ room thing…but the flipping off thing. To me, it doesn’t seem like the best way to pick up a girl in a pretty dress. What do I know though? Maybe it’s worked for him in the past?? Women are funny these days. I actually think that we have allowed men to get away with very bad behavior at times. Are we that afraid that if we don’t allow ourselves to be treated without respect that we will run out of guys to date? I think we’ve taught men that this is the case. In that regard, we are our own worst enemies!

…Later in then night, the guy was dancing in his t-shirt…yeah…somehow his nice blue shirt, that had almost made him presentable, was missing, and his tattoo infested arms and back were showing. I tried to look away as not to gawk at the mess! Look away!…look away…If you can’t see him, he can’t see you! (Darn the theatre! I still believe that! How many times have I closed my eyes hoping that someone wouldn’t notice me and walk on by only to open one eye and see them startlingly, right in front of my face?… “oh…oops…sorry…I…um…was just trying to see if light comes through my eyelids…hee hee?…um…Hi!”)… He walked right back up to me. I have to say that he was actually very nice. He said that I did a great job and he was impressed that we could play instruments. Then he continued:

Not as Drunk guy anymore: “I can’t play any instruments…except guitar hero…and even that I have to play on beginner”

My head: “…ok…that was actually funny. He just gained a point or two.”

Not as Drunk guy anymore: “I do have these tattoos though!”

My head: “Look away…don’t say anything”

Me: “And what does that mean?”

My head: “uh oh!….you had to say something didn’t you!”

Not as Drunk guy anymore: “It means I can drive my motorcycle really fast! Look at this tattoo. It’s all scrapped off. This is from me wiping out at 140 miles an hour!”

I heard the points he had gained in the earlier utterance quickly clang, like a cash register on a game show, into a huge deficit!

Me: Wow! I guess that means that “you behaved stupidly!”

Then I giggled to myself knowing that there was no way he knew that I was quoting the president…and then I thought…I should make t-shirts that say that…then I was in my car driving home…huh…I wonder where that guy went?…I honestly don’t know the end of that story. I must’ve turned away from him and went on with my business or something. Wow! When I’m done with a conversation, I sure am done. But, perhaps I could’ve spent even less time on him once he flipped me off earlier? It is interesting that women spend so much time making “nice” because they are afraid that someone might think that they aren’t. It’s like dating a guy you don’t like who treats you badly because you second-guess your own gut feeling that he isn’t right for you! How many times do we have to wait to be dumped because we don’t want to be the bad guy and then think, “Wait! I didn’t like you first! You can’t just un-like me!” (Then if you’re type “A” like me, you actually try to get him back because you want the last word!) There’s nothing wrong with recognizing that someone isn’t right for you and dismissing it! Trying to make something fit that isn’t supposed to is a silly waste of time. Clear out your closet of things that don’t fit and make room for one great outfit that does!…cause one day you may look into your closet and find a row of size 0 dresses flipping you off!

What? You’re only 32? Did you take that picture of yourself in the future?

I am really starting to wonder about people these days. I know…I’d hate to say it…don’t tell anyone…and I’m going to whisper this…shh…I think people may lie sometimes! THERE! I said it. Apparently not everyone is terrific and wonderful and has a glimmer of beauty in them. Shoot! My rosie glasses that are half full of hope for society have been poured over my head a few too many times now. A guy on yahoo contacted me because he thought he’d like to get together sometime. I’m sure he’s very nice but he said he was 32. Okay. 32 is good. I’d email him for a few weeks and then he will likely either disappear or stalk me. (There’s really nothing in between with me for some reason. I’m certain this is something I’m doing and will take full responsibility for this. My dating life has always been a little bit manic-depressive!…but then again…I suppose that’s better than ADD dating. At least in the manic stage, you can have a little fun…and the depressive stage leaves a little extra time to kick back...do a little eating...watch some TV!)

Anyway…the 32 year old…What exactly was he thinking when he sent his picture? If he was indeed 32 years old, he had apparently been overworked or had done a lot of drinking, smoking, been in a few dog-fights, raised 15 children, been a crack addict, etc… Don’t get me wrong…I’m not saying that he didn’t look good…well… I suppose I am… but I didn’t want to sound harsh! Actually, if he had told me he was 50 years old, I wouldn’t have noticed that he didn’t look all that great. What was he thinking? I always tell the truth right up front. I’m 23. hee hee… Okay. Not really. I usually say that I am 62 so the person says, “Wow! You look really great for your age!” I guess I just can’t figure out what good it would be to lie about your age?? What if you get to know each other and one day the two of you go to the DMV? Personally…I like to save myself the trouble of being surprised and cut off a leg and count the rings right when I meet a guy! There’s really no reason to try so hard to be something you’re not. What if he likes the person you’re pretending to be? How could you ever be her forever? Now…I know that I take this to the extreme (quite unsuccessfully I might add!). I like to act as annoying as possible and point out all of my ridiculous flaws right on the first date. That way there are no surprises. I’ll order something that has walnuts in it and swell up beyond recognition to the point of being truly the ugliest I could ever be… or have an asthma attack and throw a temper tantrum over the guy having dog hair on his clothes! That gives me the opportunity to say, “Well. I tried! He just didn’t like who I am!”

Look the other way…??

I have to wonder if people even notice anything around them at all anymore? I say this because I was at the store the other day and as I walked in, there was a guy with the top of a parking meter, pouring the change out of it into the coin-star machine. Um…

(eye blink ….)

Well…um…I looked around….this place was full of cashiers, front desk supervisors, customers…um…Hello? (the voice in my head echoed as though saying, “Now,ow,ow, batt,at,ing,ing,ing) I must’ve been being punked or something. No one noticed that there might be something a tiny bit criminal going on here? I walked up to the guy who was clearly security for the store. I knew who he was because he was acting like he wasn’t. “Excuse me sir?… (I pointed to the guy with the parking meter) Does that seem right to you?” He looked and said, “Oh. We know him. He does that all the time.”…uh…my mistake! I replied, “Okay then. You don’t mind if don’t feel like paying for my groceries today then do you?” …the guy, (with the letters on his shirt that read “definitely not store security”) seemed a little confused as I walked away laughing to myself! I have to wonder if he isn’t really the best at his job though. I mean…if you have one job description- “Store Security”, and you aren’t “securing the store”, you are sort of 100% bad at your job. That’s why I like to have a bunch of different things that I do in my job so if I don’t feel like doing one of them very well that day, I’m not disappointed in myself.

I thought it was interesting that so many people turned away from human responsibility hoping that someone else would take the time out of their day to deal with it. I worry that we all should think about this in many areas of our lives. If we’re always looking the other way, will we ever be aware enough to see what’s right in front of us?