Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Perfect Hostess Gift

I walked into the ladies room this morning and noticed that someone had left cases and cases of toilet paper in there. I instantly knew that one of my colleagues had obviously complained that there had been none so someone had delivered us 48 rolls. Yep! Thank you. That should definitely do it. I think 48 is a good amount. While I was washing my hands, I flashed to a story. That’s what I do when I wash my hands because someone said that in order to get your hands clean and prevent the spread of the flu, we need to wash our hands as long as it takes to sing happy birthday twice. I wasn’t sure about the BPM on this suggestion and have never really been a fan of the song, so I usually wash them for as long as it takes me to write a short attention deficit hallucination!

Hap-py birth-day to—you---(the music played as the scene faded from color to black and white. I was standing outside the home of a neighbor ringing the doorbell.)
She came to the door all dressed in a white knee-length dress like one worn in the old episodes of “The Patty Duke Show.”

I smiled at her and offered her the hostess gift I had wrapped in a gift bag with a large red bow hanging from the handle. I said, “Thank you for having us!”

She looked into the gift bag to find a 10 pack of Charmin toilet paper. She looked up at me…back at the bag…then back at me and said, “You shouldn’t have! Thank you.” I said, “Oh no! You’re very welcome!”

She set the bag on the counter next to the 8 bottles of wine that all the other guests had brought. I felt the pride of knowing that I had brought something truly useful this evening and she’d remember my thoughtfulness for weeks to come!

Scene fades out…my hands are clean…

Well! (I giggled to myself!)…I had had yet another useful moment multitasking mundane household tasks!…I went about my day wondering if I could get a good deal on a few cases of toilet paper for the Holiday Party season…or else…I could just bring my bag to that restroom from this morning and steal a roll or two each day…That would definitely class up the idea for sure!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Chasing the chase?

It seems that the more people I talk to, the more I believe that it's human nature to want what we don't already have. I have to say that I love what I have…I JUST WANT MORE! So what would happen if I got more? Would I be completely satisfied? Or would I still need more to be happy? You see it with people all the time. The more people have, the more they want. I remember sitting on the bench at the university as a young college sophomore thinking that I couldn’t wait to get to NYC so I could be happy. Everyone used to say, “Calia. Where are you going?” I’d say, “NYC”. They’d say, “But don’t you have Spanish?”…I’d turn sheepishly and say, “Oh yeah…I’m going to NYC after Spanish.” It took me a long time to realize that no matter what I had in each moment, the chase of what I didn’t have yet was what was pulling me to the next. This is great motivation but requires a balance of loving the now in order to truly be happy in it! I watch people struggle with this all the time. I’ve watched people get into relationships because they desperately want one…then when they get in, they long to have the newness back…so they cheat…then they get caught…then they cycle through the next relationship till the newness wears off…These people will never be satisfied with what they have until they stop for a minute to be aware of what that is. I have learned the lesson of loving the now but still falter sometimes in this regard. I love everything that I have but I don’t think I’ll ever be truly happy until I have a family. It’s the most important thing in the world to me. It always has been…right after the one about going to NYC.(which I didn’t even really want to do…I just liked to say I wanted something other than what I had so I’d have an excuse for not being happy yet!) Once I get married, will I only be happy once I have a child?…then I’ll only be happy once that child graduates high school and I can spend quality time with my husband again…then I’ll be happy once we can retire…Where exactly does healthy ambition leave off, and insanity kick in?

So… Are people only happy when they are chasing what they don’t have? It works that way in the dating scene too. Guys want the girls who have boyfriends because they belong to someone else. Women want the bad boy who no one has been able to pin down into a healthy relationship to prove that she can get him. Wow! That’s a really great plan? Do we only want the unachievable so we are sure to fail? Or do we just need to be working on something all the time so we have an excuse not to be there yet? That seems a little self-defeating doesn’t it?

I have decided that I need to stop chasing and just be. In a year or two if I haven’t had a family, I can always join a convent so I have an excuse for not meeting anyone! At least there, I don’t have to worry about whether or not my shoes match my purse!…and I bet once I’m taken by God, all the guys will want me!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Don’t Reign on my Parade…

It was pouring rain this morning! There is something so peaceful about a rainstorm. I pulled up to work and my windshield wipers were beating out of time with the drops and I reminisced about how my ex used to rant at me when I didn’t turn the windshield wipers off when I stopped the car. Huh?…I wasn’t exactly sure what his reasoning was, but I think it was something to do with him not wanting them to come on when the car started again. Apparently the whole car would be ruined if they tried to wipe a dry window?…not really sure…but I realized that his rage had played in my head for years each time I’ve pulled my car up to a parking place when it was raining! I had been inadvertently programmed to always turn them off! Kind of funny actually…I was like one of Pavlov’s Dogs. I wondered what else he had programmed me to think about that truly didn’t matter. I was carrying a black umbrella today…and I was wearing a brown coat!…OMG! I sat in my car laughing at myself as I watched people frantically running to the building so they wouldn’t mess up their hair! Luckily my hair didn’t look all that great today anyway and I have found that no one even notices my hair if I have the right lipgloss on! I can save any rainy day with a ponytail holder and a sparkling smile! So what was I going to do about these beating windshield wipers?…Maybe if I left them on, the car would be gone when I returned?…or possibly the windshield would have a giant ‘L’ painted on it for the word “Loser that left her windshield wipers on?”…I had no idea what was about to happen to me…but I threw caution to the wind and left them on – on the FASTEST SETTING!…then I turned the stereo up all the way, shut off the car, got out with my black umbrella, clicked the lock to the door and walked slowly through the storm knowing full well that I was going to forget that I had done that when I started the car again this evening! Surely I would find it hilarious all over again!…It was a little prank that I had just played on myself that would be sure to make the end of the day as fun as the beginning! I childishly stomped through the puddles as I giggled all the way to the building. I kept thinking, “You’re not the boss of me! Ha!”…it was that same sort of freedom that a girl feels when she breaks into her ex’s house, rearranges his furniture and leaves lasagna on the table with a note that reads, “Heart! Me!” No harm done- but extremely funny!

So the question now, is how many things in the day are influenced by what other people have programmed us to think is right? I suppose it could be nearly everything if we let it be. I certainly know the difference between right and wrong and there is no doubt that I am old enough to make decisions for myself…but…everything we do, in one way or another, is a relived experience from our past. We cook foods that remind us of other times. We dance traditional dances that our grandparents danced years before us. For the most part, we don’t even know why we do. We just do. How important to us are these things really? Do we need to run between the raindrops so our hair stays perfect? Or can we just giggle our way through the day like a child? I’m going to start to invent a tradition that starts with me each day. Today…it’s going to be annoying myself by getting into my car and being blasted out by loud techno music and the sound of windshield wipers wiping dry glass!…giggle…Now that’s all mine!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Occupational Hazard

There was a lady on the news yesterday who has started a class action suit against Las Vegas casinos because she has developed asthma from second hand smoke that she inhaled while she worked there as a bartender…um…OK…I have one! I’m going to start a class action suit again IBM because I am getting carpal tunnel from typing ridiculous blog entries day after day! Oh wait! I can’t…cause it’s my choice to type with my wrists in a bad position as I ramble on and on about things that no one cares about!…

Don’t get me wrong…I hear what the lady is saying. I am completely against smoking and smokers breathing their carcinogens in my face. I even invented a “smokers hat” that looked sort of like a space suit so that smokers could wear a glass fish bowl on their head so they could smoke the same cigarette all day without anyone else breathing it. It didn’t really take off because Big Tobacco figured out that it would cut down how many cigarettes smokers would need in any given day. That,…and the fact that my test subjects kept running into things while they were driving cause it clearly had a design flaw in the sightline area. Anyway…Personally, I would never sue a restaurant where people smoked because I was looking for someone to blame for me having to breathe smoke. I just don’t go into those places. In fact, I chose a career that wouldn’t force me to involve myself with people who smoked at all. That being said...It is interesting how much disregard for social etiquette smokers have though. I walked up to my Doctor’s office the other day and saw a bunch of health care workers smoking outside the back door of a Cardiologist’s office next to a sign that said, “No smoking within 25 feet of this sign.”…I just assumed that these women simply couldn’t read. The point is that people do things that they know better than to do. The trouble with human nature is that for some reason, knowing better doesn’t seem to stop us from doing dumb things. It’s like that glass window that my mother constantly runs into as she leaves stores. It’s almost as if she should look to see if there may be a door with a handle nearby instead of walking into it and making a spectacle. But…she would like to tell someone in charge that they should probably put a sticker on the clear glass instead and risks a black eye time after time. I’m not sure, but I think if we read back into the bible, it has something to do with Eve and that darn apple. Okay then. There’s our excuse. Eve ate the apple and now we’re all messed up. So who are we going to blame now? We can’t sue Eve right? She’s long dead!…the life expectancy back then was somewhere around 11 years old wasn’t it?…wait a minute…come to think of it, it’s a miracle we live as long as we do these days! With some of the dumb things that humans do anymore, we sort of have a bump on the head coming to us at the very least!

So what’s the occupational hazard as a single 30something?…oh boy!…there are so many!

We will be taken advantage of by people who are happily married and need us to watch their children.

We will date liars and cheaters…and then wonder why they lie and cheat.

We will be asked to stay late and arrive early at work…and we want to…but we will be annoyed when people with families don’t have to!

We will go where we want to go, when we want to go there!…then wonder how we got there…

We are all exactly where we have placed ourselves in life. What good does it do to complain about it or blame someone for it? If it really bothered us, I suppose we’d change something wouldn’t we?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Darn! Too Young Again…

I can’t believe this. There was a guy that I thought was well into his 30’s where I sang the other night. Next thing I knew, he had found me on facebook. When I looked at his info, it turned out that he was only 24 years old too. (I had recently run into another 24 year old guy that I found attractive though I was fully aware that he was way too young for me- no matter how perfect he seemed!) What is going on with these really young guys? I have to wonder if my perception of age is all off? The only thing about this guy is that my friends saw him and thought that he was at least 30 also. Part of me hoped that he was lying about his age…but that seemed silly. I did know a guy who did that once though. I’m not sure what was wrong with him…but he is the one who stole my garbage can and disappeared from the community all together so I suspect that there may have been more wrong with him than I am aware of. Let’s just say that I’m glad that my neighbor didn’t actually shoot him in my yard like he had threatened to. I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not but I decided to err on the side of no jail-time and not allow him back on my property again. It’s probably better that way…though no one ever saw him again that I know of…uh oh….oh well…The point was that he told me that he was 28 and he was really 39. That seems like a little bit of a stretch to me, but who am I to judge? I’m still telling people that I’m 57 so they compliment me on how young I look!

Anyway…the newest of my 24-year-old guys…he was so ‘pretty’ like I like them. We wrote back and forth for a few minutes on facebook but there were long periods of time when he wouldn’t respond and questions he didn’t respond to. We all know how much I love that! I have to say that bad communication is my absolute favorite thing! I just assumed that he was either on the phone or in 14 other instant message conversations on the site…like I was…I didn’t mean to be! That’s why I try to always appear offline. I can’t keep track of all the popping sounds… and I know that one day I’m going to reply to the wrong person:

Calia: (to new guy) Hi. It was nice to see you the other


Person 2: How are you?

Calia: Good. You?


Person 3: How are you?

Calia: I’m talking to this hot guy that I just met.

Hot new guy: What?

Calia: crap…I mean…crap…

I imagine that a 24 year old must be in much deeper conversations on instant messenger than I am as a 30something. His generation only communicates through instant message and text!... The point is that I have no idea what the rules even are when dealing with someone under 25!…unless they need me to make them lunch or correct their homework or something. I wonder what he wanted with me? I could hear the conversations with his buddies: “I met this older lady! I bet she could teach me something!”…or... “I’d like to show her something!” …OK…Now boys! I have no idea what you’re talking about…but you may have the wrong older lady here. Something tells me that you would get a lot further with a 21 year old girl than you could ever get with me. I’d walk out the door while you were “googling” the meaning of the play on words I just used to fend off your ridiculous pickup line about what my pants would look like on your floor…Oh well…I guess I could be wrong. He may not have thought that I was quite as old as I am. I suppose I do look a little younger…or at least act it…until someone backs me into a corner (giggle). Still…I’m a little disappointed that 20something guys look 30 and 30something guys look 50! I know that if a guy hasn’t already been married with children, he looks much younger…but if he has, he looks like he has adult responsibilities! I suppose there are exceptions to the rule as I’m sure that men say the same thing about women…but all in all…I’m pretty screwed! I either meet attractive guys who’ll call me m’am…or old guys who’ll ask me to hang out with their teenagers! I suppose I have to keep my hopes up that there’s got to be one 30something, pretty guy, who is still hoping to meet someone great who hasn’t already false-started his for the 24 year olds…I think they need “starter girl-friends” before they attempt keeping up with me!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

One in a Crowd of 400…

I hardly ever see attractive guys for some reason. It seems that there are very few of them over 30 anyway…now wait…guys!…before you go and get all upset and say that girls are all fat and unattractive…or…girls age faster than guys…or I wouldn’t date this girl if she were the last girl in the world…(a guy actually said that to his friends after he asked me out 4 times and I had repeatedly said “No. Thank you! I’m not interested!”…hmm…then why did you ask?…oh well!)…I know it goes both ways and that for some reason single people just don’t seem to meet the other complaining single people of the opposite sex! I am fully aware of this. All I’m saying is that I only see one or two guys that I would be attracted to a year. Wait…last week there was one…but he was 24 years old. Crap! That sort of stinks cause he was absolutely perfect for me other than his birthyear challenge…or mine…yeah…it was likely mine! For some reason I just can’t date that young. Right now we don’t look wrong for each other…but picture 35-46! Oh boy!…That would be extremely obvious at that point. You just can’t slow the aging process to that extreme! The funny thing is that guys do it all the time. It looks ridiculous then too but at least society doesn’t call them “cougars!”…they call him “lucky!”…too bad! I guess you can’t do anything about it though! Other than not care what society thinks. Of course…I sort of do- though I’m working on it!

So last night there was an attractive 30ish guy in the crowd of 400 people. I saw him the second he walked into the room. I didn’t have the nerve to just walk up to him for some reason but during a break, I met some new girls and we really hit it off. One of them was single like I am! She was awesome…though I was acting quite silly and probably didn’t listen very well since I was in “performance” mode and likely extremely obnoxious!…It’s a problem of mine! Oh well…at least I think I made a new friend! (In case you’re tallying up my single 30something female friends, that makes- 1!) I went back to sing but asked her to be my wingman with him. I thought that maybe she could talk to him for me and I could find someone she was interested in and talk to him for her. For some reason that is just way easier than actually doing it myself! She agreed! I saw him out of the corner of my eye nearly all night. He stood out from the crowd with his clothes and smile (apparently this is a selling point for me!…in case you hadn’t noticed!) By the end of the night, he had left. I asked the girl why she hadn’t talked to him and she said, “You may have to fight me for him! He looked like a hockey player!”…wait…I don’t fight for guys and I thought he looked like an academic, catholic, Italian businessman. If he was indeed a hockey player, I would’ve gladly handed him off to her!… I think she missed the point. He walked out the door and neither one of us had talked to him…so we’re both still without any prospect! Good thinking my new friend! We’ll have to practice this “wing-man” thing a little bit! If I see any “hockey player” looking types, I’ll be sure to introduce them to her next time! I’ll take the metro sexual looking businessman any day! I think I’m going to run into him again…and if I do, I’ll edit this blog cause guys seem to think it’s a tiny bit telling! Hee hee…As for the 24-year-old…I think I love him! Too bad my chalked license got confiscated the last time I tried to get into an over/under night at a night club!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Where’s Waldo Copy machine…

You know that illiteracy in this country has gotten way out of hand when every set of instructions you get with any piece of furniture, electronic device, cup of coffee etc..., has picture instructions with it instead of the written word. Even a cup of coffee has a picture on it of a person burning himself. I was trying to fix the copy machine at work today. Every time I moved one thing, another image would pop up with something a little different in it. There was no indication as to what it might be. I just knew that it was there and I needed to scan the picture for the change. “Where’s Waldo” instruction manuals are where the future’s at. It’s all about non-verbal communication. I can just picture math class: page 1: the problem…page 2: the problem with the answer. This should work out quite well. Forget any process of solving the problem. All the next generation will need to do is copy the answer. Soon the only answer to the question, “Why?” will be, “Because!”…

…I got distracted by the thought and wondered what Waldo’s number was so I could call him to come fix the copier. I pictured the next screen shot. It was Waldo flipping me off and walking away. That’s the way it seems to be. When something doesn’t go as easily as planned, people just turn their backs and walk away in disgust. I decided not to walk away from the copier until it was fixed. It would be easier for me to ignore the diagrams and figure it out for myself. At least when I’m using my own head for something, I have the ability to deduce what the logical steps between the problem and solution would be. I find that I have the same issue when using a GPS unit. If I follow the steps on the screen exactly as written, when I get there, I have no idea how. If I had to figure out how to get back without it, no one would ever see me again!

It seems that we are full of excuses for not being able to figure things out for ourselves. If we keep flipping to the next page to find out what happens, we’ll stop using our own minds all together. Besides…who says that the person who drew the diagram on the next page knew any more about the subject than we did? If someone is always telling us what the answer is, we will eventually stop making up our minds for ourselves. Even leading questions about “why”, will end up being answered with an insecure, “because…”

Friday, October 23, 2009

Wow! That is a bargain!

Apparently I have a problem expressing myself…which seems strange because I like to think that I am extremely good at personal expression! I have really been feeling strong armed by retailers lately. Everytime I get up to a register with something that took me hours to pick out, the cashier stops my sale in the middle and looks at me with distain and says, “You need to get another pair of earrings with this at 50% off in order to not throw away your money! I’ll suspend the sale while you get them!”…aaahhh!!!…Why can’t I just throw away my money? Will people really think less of me if I don’t purchase the 50% off, impulse necklace that I’ll never wear that I bought only because I was nervous that someone was waiting in line behind me while the $8 dollar and hour cashier was wondering if I was stupid? I could hear her mocking me in the back room during her break!… "and then there’s this girl with a Coach purse who is too dumb to take advantage of the buy one/get one at half price deal. What is the world coming to? I bet she can’t even get a guy!”…okay…so maybe I’m a touch paranoid about that one!

This stuff happens everywhere I go. I think it’s something that I need to work on. I think it's because I don't like to make anyone mad. I was in another store one day and the cashier asked me to open a store credit card. I said, “No, Thank you!”…It would’ve been fine if she had left it at that but she continued. “If you open it now, you’ll get 10% off of your entire purchase.” I jokingly replied, “But I want a new BMW!”…Just as I thought the issue was settled, the other cashier said, “It’s kind of dumb to throw away the extra 10% you’re not saving on this purchase then.”…I broke down and said, “Ok! Fine. Then I need $300,000 worth of stuff and I’d like the 10% back in cash upfront now so I can go buy my BMW!”…clearly the girl didn’t understand what I had meant by that but she sensed my frustration with her and backed off on the card pushing!

I think that it’s possible that I get this way when guys ask me out too. It may be part of my problem. I get very frustrated when people won’t take ‘no, thank you’ for an answer. I can’t figure out why what I want matters so little to others??…I suppose the only thing I can do is to try not to allow people to pressure me into believing that what they want from me is more important than what I want for myself!…because once I’ve been asked and have answered, I start taking cheap shots!…cause when backed into a corner, I’ll be forced to ‘sarcasm’ my way out!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Hi! I’m rich…

Have you ever noticed that sometimes we make judgments about people from what other people have to say about them? This is actually a very bad habit to get into. One time there was a guy who had expressed to someone that he was interested in dating me. The person told me but elaborated on her opinion of him. She said that he was nice but he was really all about how much money he had and that he was full of himself. When the time came that we met, he walked up to me and shook my hand and said, “Hi. I’m Rich.”…I rolled my eyes and walked away thinking, “Boy! She wasn’t kidding about him.”…I found out later that his name was “Rich.” … Let this be a lesson to me! He may have been very nice and I’m certain that he married the next girl he met (cause they always do!)

I’ve heard things about me that have been ridiculously untrue in the past too. A friend of mine came up to me one night while I was singing and told me that he had heard the guys behind him talking about how one of them had dated me in high school “and she was really hot back then too.”…um…no. Wrong girl!…I was practicing my flute in high school and didn’t date anyone…and was definitely NOT hot! It goes to show you that if you want a good rumor out there, you might as well start it yourself before anyone else gets the chance. I like the one about the time I got a horse for my birthday and rode it through the streets in a birthday parade screaming, “Bring out your dead!” and the whole crowd cheered as I jumped off and did back flips through the townspeople!…Some may say that I have a strong imagination though. I remember professors in college saying to me, “I understand that you like your song that way, but you need to learn the rules before you can break them!”…oh….are you sure?…cause for some reason, the rules have never applied to me. It may be the reason that I’m not living my life in the same order as society suggests people should- no matter how much I would like to be! If you’ve never followed the rules as they are “written”, how can you expect them to apply in only the areas of your life that you want them to? You can’t just wake up one day and say, “I want what everybody else has now.” All those people who haven’t felt the magic of not following the rules will say, “I heard that she colored her hair fluorescent pink and partied all night with rock stars in the 80’s.”…again…not true…but it does a really good job at blocking the average conservative businessman/politician who is looking for a pretty blonde girl to spend a campaign with…or possibly just dinner. Besides...I heard that the person who made that one up has 3 kids, an ex husband, and a huge butt!…oops…there I go…getting childish again!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Train for a Triathlon

I have been going a little stir crazy lately. Don’t get me wrong…I have a couple great careers and all sorts of fun amazing things to do. I just don’t have any personal life and it still leaves a lot of extra time on the end of the day to go a little nuts! A friend of mine suggested that I train for a triathlon. I thought he was just being a wise-ass because I sort of hate swimming and biking, but when I reassessed his idea this morning, I decided that he was right! I pondered all of my options!...I could start a new trend...I could have a tri-laugh-a-thon...everyone could get together and tell random jokes and laugh until their abs hurt! (don't laugh...I've actually done that. I think some things are extremely hilarious!)...Then I remembered my deskercycle that I had invented many years ago so that I wouldn't sit idle while I was building websites. It worked. I would program while I was peddling. I think it could've been a big seller if people who actually could use some exercise didn't hate to exercise so much!...Ironic huh? (...I was recently told that sarcasm is the lowest form of humor. If only that person knew how much I care!...oops...sorry...again...darn!) I finally came up with a plan to put into action! I’m going to produce an aerobic video. (okay…not exactly as grownup as a triathlon, but something fun, bouncy and physical.) I used to teach 4 hours of aerobics a day and I still workout all the time so I could rip up my body up in a few short weeks. Of course that would require me to stop eating cheese in bed at night…but I should probably stop that anyway. I have a feeling that that’s the reason I have mice (oh yeah...and that my pants are a little tight!)?…not sure…but at any rate- no more food in bed! I’m in training! I think that it’s possible that my favorite thing to do is workout! I love it. The high that it gives me is so amazing. I think that everyone who works out regularly feels this way. I'm really happy with my new goal!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Is Silence really better?

I know that guys and girls think completely differently, but I still struggle with that age-old problem that weights on my mind: lack of communication on the part of a “dumper.” People are very reluctant to give their ex’s closure for some reason. I’m not sure if it’s just that they want the other person to deduce what the right words would be since they have no idea what they are, or if they are unsure about their decision to be 100% done with the person. Either way- it really leaves people out there wondering “what if?”…I was talking to a friend about it today and we decided that these people are time wasters. Don’t get me wrong…they aren’t wasting their own time due to the fact that they have likely already moved on. They are probably just keeping you hanging in there in case. People like this simply keep someone extra on the bench for as long as they will stay there. I have to say that I seem to end up on so many benches that I feel like I’m waiting for a slow boat to China to return. As a matter of fact, I can actually count 6 guys in as many years that have gotten engaged and married to someone else while I thought that we were taking it slow and getting to know each other. Clearly my sense of urgency in this regard is a touch out of whack. Apparently “taking it slowly” has a different meaning to each person. To most of the people I’ve met, it means, “I’m dating someone else seriously but if it doesn’t work out, you’ll be right here right? My mother would like you.”…of course…I’ll just sit right here. Can I write you an essay… take out your garbage… possibly make you and your girlfriend some dinner or something?

So what is the issue with the lack of ability to be able to commit to the end of a commitment? I’ve decided that I need to help women all over the world by writing heartfelt closure letters to girls for guys who are getting annoyed that their ex’s won’t stop texting, calling, and emailing things like, “I’ll always be here for you!”, or “Why won’t you talk to me? I can’t believe we just can’t be friends!”…everyone knows that you can’t go immediately to friends but it’s a great idea if you’re looking to transition from bad to worse. Believe me! When one of those “friends” starts dating someone else, you need to start the breakup all over again!…and the crying…and the “I can’t believe you did this to me!”…My letters simply put closure on the relationship in a kind way that a woman would read and understand. Even though it hurts in the moment, she will finally have her answers and be able to start to heal…instead of contacting you every single day because you are giving her the silent treatment. Silence means something completely different to a woman than it does to a man. Just tell her! She’ll go away…or do you like the attention you get when you can tell everyone that your ex won’t let you go?…interesting…

Monday, October 19, 2009

Baby on Board

I have often seen cars with a sign in the window that says “Baby on Board.”…Well…I had always been under the impression that they were letting people know that they had a child so people would drive more safely while they were near them. Apparently I’ve always had this wrong. I have recently had the opportunity to drive my car with my sister and her baby in the back seat. The first hour or so of the song, “Hello! He-llo! We wave Hello!…and then we wave hello! Goodbye! –Good-bye! We wave Goodbye…and then we wave Goodbye”, was really cute…then something in me broke. I said, “I’m sorry. You need to stop singing that song now or else I’m going to pull over at a rest area and the baby will be learning, “Aunt Calia is near…Aunt Calia is far!” The song stopped and we went on to counting how many fingers and toes we have!…There are 10! There are almost always 10 (of course I’m not ruling anything out since my first child that I have when I’m 57 may have 14 and 6…but I’m just saying…For God’s sake! There are 10!)…I have a feeling that the “Baby on Board” sign might be a warning to the drivers nearby that they might want to speed along and save themselves because the driver of the car with the child in it that has the child’s mother doing the Can-Can in the backseat to entertain said child, may be planning a quick escape from Sesame Street! Every mother should have a “Baby on Board” sign for her car. It should be right next the sign that says, “Warning. I’m talking on my cell phone and putting on my lipstick in the rear view mirror!”

Don’t get me wrong…I love children and plan on having my own one-day. But until that happens, only seeing the frantic, desperate side of parenting without having that bond that only parents share with their children can leave a girl feeling like her brain has gotten tied up and left on a table as a paper weight. There is no question that my sisters all love their children! They are good mothers! I just hope that I will have children someday so I can go home for the holidays and have something to talk about with them again!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Wedding Etiquette for the Single Girl…

Did you know that if you are not in a long-term relationship, you are suppose to decline the “and guest” portion of a wedding invitation?…geez…thanks a lot. I’m already “partnerily challenged” and now the wedding police have to come in and prove it?…Nothing like kicking a girl when she’s down. I can hear it now! “She has no one in her life. Let’s play a bunch of ballads and rejoice in love while she sits at the table by herself.” Thanks! I needed that. I was just in the middle of feeling like I had a reason to live. I appreciate you sending me an invitation to your wedding. I’m very happy for you! Would you like me to wear taffeta and an intense amount of blue eye shadow too?…I’ll do that for you…cause that’s the kind of selfless caring girl that I am. I’ll even buy you a gift for that house that you have already lived together in for 3 years!

What exactly is the amount of time that you need to be “with” a person before they are considered an “and guest?” There should be a checklist:

Do you know the person’s middle initial?
Do you know whether the person is married or not (We’d hate for you to run into his wife’s cousin and spoil our day)?
Have you taken him to Thanksgiving or another major holiday? (This one doesn’t work for me because I’d bring anyone to the holidays so I can entertain myself with inside jokes about how I’ll probably never bring him again)
Do you say, “We’re seeing each other?” or “This is my boyfriend?”

All in all, I can’t imagine being with someone long enough to consider him a “significant other.” I guess I’ll be the one who sits alone at the table with someone’s grandmother’s pick for me. I’m sure he’s a nice boy but his lack of social skills and bitter resentment for the opposite sex are mind-numbing! Thanks for trying though. I’ll clear the tables for you instead of cluttering your “big day” with the laughter and fun that I might’ve had if I had brought a date.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

He’s a sack of cool

Have you ever noticed that some people are just way cooler than others? I walked by a guy on the street the other day with dreads in a turban (is that what those cool mustard colored hair sacks are?…and come to think of it…why does “mustard” look so good on people with dreadlocks?…hmm…) I decided that there is just a whole group of people who are way cooler than I’ll ever be. They have genetic predisposition to it. I’m way more intense than cool I guess. Don’t get me wrong, I can be well behaved and mild mannered in public, but usually someone will expect some sort of a performance out of me. The funny thing is that I’m not “attention seeking!” I used to be I guess, but I’m not at all anymore. I’m not a fan of the “look at me” personality. I just wish that I could walk by people without them looking at me. It’s as though I have a high-pitched alarm on my shoes that screams out to people. I don’t even have to say anything. Personally, I like to fade into the background. I love to just listen to music while I work out and not get into a conversation. The gym is really one of the only places it’s okay to stand next to someone you don’t know and never even mutter a hello. I suppose it’s like that on an airplane too. Or is it supposed to be? Etiquette is a strange thing. Are you supposed to talk to the person next to you or is it suggested that you ignore them? I like to introduce myself and go back to doing my own thing. That way if anything crazy happens, I don’t have to introduce myself while I’m actually asking them to pass me a lifejacket. Who would hand their lifejacket to a complete stranger? I like to cover all of my bases.

So why are some people so much cooler than others? I guess it’s just the way it is. I don’t tend to be attracted to “cool”. That “no sense of urgency” personality that makes people late everywhere, drives me insane. I do wonder if that’s the reason that I’m single though. The type “A” guy that I’m attracted to, seems to be looking for someone far less successful to take care of. Chances are, I’m going to get stuck with someone who is laidback, doesn’t ever finish what he starts, and only made it through the first semester of college and then decided “school wasn’t for him” cause he wanted to “be creative!”…that really stinks! I can’t stand people like that. My heart rate actually rises when I run into one. I sort of want to put them on my back and run them to their destination for fear that they aren’t ever going to get there! Fly little bird! Fly!
What’s the moral of this story?…well…I guess it is that I need someone to balance out my intensity…who I will find completely unattractive. Now that’s a huge sack of “suck”!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Oh! Those are the words? Interesting!

Sometimes I have a tendency to not learn words to a song. It’s not because I’m being deviant (for the most part!). It’s because I used to sound a little too trained because as a Broadway/opera style singer, my diction was way too intelligible and I’d be ridiculed by the common pop folk! The pain!…I decided that as long as I didn’t know what the words were, there’d be no way that people would understand me. It’s actually a good rule to live by. Have you ever noticed that there are things that we have been unclear about for our entire lives? Like for instance, I just recently found out that Puff the Magic Dragon wasn’t “frolicking in the ottomus.” I always thought that it was a place…like where hippopotamus’ lived. There are so many things in our lives like this that could take a lifetime to notice. The strange thing is that people know that we have it wrong a lot of the time but just don’t bother telling us. It’s like having something in your teeth. People notice and think, “gee. She has something in her teeth. I hope she picks it out soon so she doesn’t look stupid.”…then they walk away. We could actually go a lifetime with something in our teeth if we all lived by this rule. That can’t be good!…though I did it to my singer myself one day. He had a raspberry blacking out his front tooth for a couple of sets and I kept meaning to tell him and then when I finally did, he said, “Thanks a lot! Don’t count on me to tell you the next time your dress is tucked into your underwear!”…oops…sorry…From that day on, I always told him when his dress was tucked into his underwear…wait…no…I always told him when he had something in his teeth.

I think that people need to be a little clearer. Action definitely speaks louder than words and sometimes we intentionally mumble our actions so people are deliberately deceived so we can feel more comfortable in the moment. I had a supreme court judge call me and ask me out one time. I said, “No thank you.” He kept pushing. I finally said, “You know how when you’re Jewish, you can’t marry someone who isn’t Jewish, so you just don’t go out with someone who isn’t?”…he said, “Are you Jewish?”…I said, “no.”…well…as a way of fixing the trouble I apparently have with balancing my lack of interest with kindness, I have just decided to use an unintelligible string of consonants as a response. That way there’s no way that the person will misunderstand my intentions. They are going to deduce what they want to hear anyway. I give up! Why learn the lyrics if people accept the song without them?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Bad Sportsmanship!

My sister text me the other day to tell me that she was playing the board game, “Sorry”, with one of her children. She said that she “sorried” him. Anger came flooding back! She always did that crap! I hated playing with her. She was such a cheater!…Well…actually…she wasn’t really cheating but I wasn’t a fan of getting sorried. I would throw the board on the floor and say, “That’s not fair!”…I suppose that’s why I didn’t play sports…or count on anyone…or become part of any kind of a team. As a matter of fact, she may be the reason I’ve been single for so many years. (Do you like the way I just used deductive reasoning to make my entire life my sister’s fault? Hee hee…)I learned that if I didn’t want to be annoyed, disappointed or angry, I just needed to NOT PLAY at all! I don’t remember when I made this decision but I don’t think it was a conscious one. As a matter of fact, I have tried to date people. I had a couple very long-term relationships. One even cheated on me the entire 4 years. It stopped bothering me. I just expected it. I didn’t need to throw the board at him or have a major outburst. I just needed to remember not to play. My mistake! Silly girl!

My brother has a similar issue when it comes to other people's bad behavior. One day he called me and said that he wanted me to pick up his scooter and take it away because someone else had touched it. I said, “You know that if I take it, you won’t have it to use either.” He replied, “Who needs it!”…hmm...good thinkin' baby bro! That’ll show them! ...but is this a good example of what they mean when they say "you're cutting off your nose to spite your face??"

So the question is: Am I so worried that I am going to have a negative emotion that I have completely cut off the possibility of having a positive one? Then again…I haven’t run into anyone in years…not to mention meeting someone who I would be lucky enough to have him cheat on me...wait...that doesn't seem right... I have met all sorts of guys who have wanted to cheat on their own girlfriends…but “Who needs it!”…I’m taking my ball back and going home! “Sorry!”

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Excuse me. Do you touch animals?

Well…things are a little out of hand with my mother out of town. Apparently the cat needs people to touch it or else is runs away. I had to find someone who wasn’t grossed out by animals who would do it. I went with my friend to the house. I acted like we were just going there to feed the fish. I was very devious! I figured that there was no way he would go with me if he knew that I needed someone to touch a cat. We got there and I said, “Do you touch animals?”…He said that he did. We walked into the house and stepped over the cat puke on the living room floor. I pretended that I didn’t see it. I was already a little annoyed that the cat was in the house- let alone the cat throwing up in it too. We fed the fish. He took some pictures of me as I dug my hands into the bottom of the outside pond to remove the wet leaves. Wow! That was my favorite. There’s something about wet scummy leaves that warms my heart! I showed my friend the cat and asked him to hold it. (I thought that it was the least he could do since he had just stood there while I got grossed all out…and I should add that I was not dressed appropriately for pond scum digging…though I’m not sure what people wear for that but I’m quite certain I don’t have anything suitable.) He picked up the cat and it must’ve smelled his dog. It jumped out of his arms and ran away…for two days. Oh well…at least it gave me a couple days to clean the rug in the living room. I’m starting to think that leaving me on animal detail wasn’t the best choice. If someone wanted their computer network monitored while they went away, I’d do a better job. In fact, I could likely do that from my living room. The great thing about that is that computers don’t make me sneeze and wheeze.

I was thinking about this animal thing in reference to dating. It seems that everyone needs humans around them at some point. Possibly that’s why so many people settle for the wrong “one” while the right one isn’t anywhere to be found. My mother chose me to take care of her animals for lack of someone better for the job. The question is though, would the animals be alright if no one went to feed them for years and years?…possibly the stunt animal hater/feeder is better than nothing! Well…possibly in this case…but people? I still don’t quite think so…but they are trying to break me! Maybe eventually I will have to go out with someone who can’t stand me as much as I can’t stand to feed these animals!… It's a good thought...but...nah…I’m not ready to settle yet!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Let me get this straight...

How many people are mowing my lawn? The guy next door came over and asked me for some money for mowing my lawn…wait a minute…I just gave $60 to his cousin for mowing my lawn. This happens with snow plowing too. I have to wonder who is really doing all this work? I don’t mind paying someone to do it, but shouldn’t someone decide who that is? I suppose I should just start doing it myself…but I’m not a huge fan of the outdoors.

I run into all sorts of guys who tend to talk about how “they are outdoorsy guys” and think we’d be perfect for each other. Is this another instance of people not hearing me? ‘Outdoorsy’ does not a boyfriend make in my world. It makes a ‘maintenance man.’ …he’ll say, “but…I’m also very handy around the house!”…Excellent! Here’s $50. My porch steps need painting.

I think that there is a disconnect between what people perceive as “perfect” for me, and what I’m attracted too. I guess that once you’ve been single for a number a years, people just assume that your list of dating criteria has to have been chipped away at, and anyone who is single will do. Nope! That’s where people have it wrong. I think that once people get really good at being single, the list of criteria becomes more important! In fact, I’ve even added some. The pitch-matching test is a must now! I used to joke about it, but as I get near the relationship in which we might be talking about having children together, this is extremely important! No one wants a kid who can’t hear the octave leap in the “Happy Birthday” song at parties….I’m just sayin’…

oops…It seems that I have gotten off on a tiny bit of a tangent…I was talking about my lawn. Should it be costing me $300 a month? I’m going to bring it up at the neighborhood watch meeting next week and assign only one person to the outdoor maintenance task!…I’ll also ask that they stop allowing people to climb in through my windows… and maybe call to remind me when garbage day is too…This stuff really piles up when holidays fall on a Friday.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Do I really have to get a restraining order?

I guess I’m just not ever going to understand people. There has been a 65-year-old man hitting on me for 3 years now- EVERYWHERE I go. (I guess that would’ve made him 63, 64 & 65…whatever…still too old!)… I always try to be nice to people. Well…Apparently “nice” doesn’t work. He asked me out and I said, “no thank you.” He asked me out again, “I explained that I’ve never been married and would like to meet someone my age one day and start a family.” He said, “I’m divorced.”…um…wait…huh?…He came up to me and said, “So what do I need to do to get with you?” I replied, “I don’t know. Kill me and drag me into the woods?”…yeah…that may have been the point that I started to play hardball a little. Was that wrong?…Sorry…Then he came up to me at Christmas and said, “So. It’s Christmas and I haven’t gotten a hug yet.”…I said, “You’re right! (I turned to my keyboard player) Jim! Give this man a hug.” Then I walked away. Now it’s just getting ridiculous. I’ll be listening to my music at the gym and he’ll come up and stand in front of me (with his knee socks pulled up to his waist.) I was talking to a friend on the treadmill next to me and he stood in front of us and started laughing with us as though he was in the conversation. Yesterday, I was talking to a few friends while we did cardio and he came up to the machine next to me and told me that I need to save him a machine next to me next time so we can talk. I said, “uh. These guys are my friends. That’s why I’m talking to them.” …he smiled and said that he’d be there the next day and we could talk then.

Do I really have to go to a different gym now? I don’t understand why he wouldn’t simply take “no” for an answer. Do I really need to have him thrown out of the gym or arrested? Now…I have had issues with guys in the past where they haven’t actually said what they meant and I’ve purposely bothered them as a joke thinking that they might learn the concept for later. Note: This doesn’t actually work…a guy who doesn’t want to simply say, “I’m sorry. I’m just not interested”, really DOES NOT want to say it and NEVER will. (Do not attempt this at home! I am a trained professional. You may actually end up in a life-long stalker relationship with him if you are expecting him to break first! Good thing is though- He can’t get a restraining order against you until he actually tells you to “go away” and then you don’t!)

I guess I’m going to have to ignore him tonight at the gym. I can just pretend not to see him…standing on the back of my elliptical trainer…laughing as I swoosh him away like a fly!…oh geez…Story not over…

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Billboards are just "signs"...

I drive by a church billboard from time to time and take notice that sometimes its message is a very good one. One day I was driving by moments after having a conversation with a friend about not worrying about things while hoping that they would just go away. The billboard said, “Facts ignored still exist.” Whoa…That’s freaky! I started driving up there everyday. I went up there one day hoping that it was going to say something like, “Look under the rock in the back yard. There’s a million dollars there.” Instead, it said, “Forbidden fruit creates many jams.” I wasn’t sure who the message was for in my life, but I was certain that I was supposed to share it. I went home later and called my friend and told her what our message for the day was. I repeated it to her as I remembered it: “Forbidden fruit makes great pies.”…I couldn’t remember why I thought it had been a good message? It seemed a little silly to me as I thought back on it. I had no idea what the inner meaning was but I tried to make sense of it. I even made a pie. It didn’t seem to help much…but it tasted good. I sat by the TV eating another slice, hoping to get the inspiration that the billboard had intended as a commercial for Jenny Craig ran. I thought… “Maybe that’s the message. I need to stop eating pie.” Yeah…but that would’ve been a strange way for God to get me there. Wouldn’t he just have written, “Stop eating. Your pants aren’t going to fit this weekend.”…I could barely think anymore…or breathe for that matter. Too much pie! I decided that I had better drive up the hill and find out what the sign had said again. I got there and it said, “Faith goes up the stairs that love has built and jumps out the window that hope has opened.”…Oh come on! Now I knew that someone was messing with me. I’m not playing anymore! I’m taking my ball back and going home…to have more pie!

The moral of this story?…Sometimes signs are just signs …and… we need to use our own judgment about how much pie to eat!

…or…billboards need locked glass over them so that delinquents (with good senses of humor) don’t have people driving all over town looking for windows to jump out of...

Friday, October 9, 2009

Little Bunny Foo Foo

I found a dead mouse…actually…let me rephrase that. I was rewiring my surround sound and as I was pushing the wires back under the heater, I touched a dead mouse. That’s right! I am going to have to remove my hand…make that, my whole arm…and poke my mind’s eye out in order to stop visualizing the incident over and over again! Then, to make things worse, another mouse ran across my foot a few minutes later. There’s no other choice – I have to sell my house and move. This mouse thing is way beyond anything that a girl should need to deal with. Ah! Home crap home. It reminded me of one of my favorite songs from when I was a kid:

Little Bunny Foo Foo
I don’t like your attitude
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping em on the head.

Well…actually, I liked Bunny Foo Foo a lot back then! I like him even more now! I even like his attitude. I never understood the concept of the song, but I get it now.

“And down came the Good Fairy and said”…now…who is this Good Fairy? Is he one of my dancer friends from the theatre? Cause I can’t imagine any of them would find the field mouse “scoop”…or even “bop”, offensive!…

They would not, could not
…in tight pants
can not, will not
…at a dance
should not, could not
…in my house
stay not, live not,
…with a mouse

"That’s right girlfriend! Sell the house and move!" ...That's what all "good fairy's" would say!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Oh! The Pressure!

Well…I’m not sure what is going to happen over the next few weeks. The pressure is overwhelming. Now… I’m not one to feel the stresses of everyday life, but I think you will agree with me when you hear the level of responsibility that has been placed on my shoulders…ahh…

My mother has left town for 3 weeks and I am responsible for feeding the fish. I’m extremely worried that one is going to die on my watch. This was never an issue in our house growing up. We didn’t have animals…well…I guess we did, but I don’t remember having to feed them and they definitely weren’t right inside the house where we lived. There were some chickens, a cat (or 5 or 6…not sure), a bird (that died when the house got sprayed by a skunk and my sister opened the window over night so we could breathe!), a pheasant (that also died from what I can remember…other than that time my father put it in the oven as a joke and put it out on the table to reveal it as “Pheasant under glass” and the heat had somehow healed it for at least the 30 seconds it took to fly out of the pan onto the table), a gerbil…I don’t know what happened to that thing…but I remember an incident with a pet mouse that got lost in the house and then found in the middle of the night in my bedroom months later…(it was much faster at that point after having run free for so long and catching it was a chore!)…anyway…Obviously I’m not an animal person. There are outdoor pond fish flakes, indoor fish flakes (orange label), another container of upstairs indoor fish flakes, a container of fish flakes that are no longer used because they may cause the water to cloud up…we got jumbo fish, tiny fish, fish with fishy fish, orange fish, pond fish, …fish with lights, fish with a side nightlight, fish without a light, …There is also a simple math equation that my mother gave me for feeding them all. It is 3 flakes per fish per day…Oh Gosh!…one, two, three, four…crap…one, two…darn…one, …

I just recently potted 4 of my plants at my house into one pot for a plant pleth-flora party. That’s about my speed on the living things in a single-family dwelling. I only have to water it once a week or so. I remember because I’ll be working out and drinking a glass of water and think, “hey! That plant looks wilted. I wonder what it needs?” I look at the water in my hand and remember exactly what it needs and I give it a drink. See that? It’s much easier. I’m never walking by wilted fish eating fish flakes. I’m just going to do the best I can with these things. I hope this cat doesn’t eat them….wait a minute…where the heck did this cat come from. Darn it Mom! A freakin’ cat?…in a house?…aaahhh….whose feeding this thing and how many flakes does it get?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Can I borrow your pants?

I can’t believe how funny things are sometimes. I got to the country club the other night to sing, and to my surprise, we were singing in a barn behind the country club. My sax player pulled up, and as he got nearer and nearer, I got a little worried that he had some sort of impulse to drive the van directly into the structure. The guys and I pointed out to him that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea and he applied his foot to the brake in the nick of time. It was dark, and dirt shimmered like the reflection from a disco ball through the beacon of light that shot through the cracks in the wall as it lit up with a thick layer of smoke from the barbeque. I thought, “hmm…I need to change my shoes.”… I immediately placed my Pradas back into their dust bag, threw on a pair of strappy sandals and messed my hair up a little bit. I figured that it would be better if I could blend in a little…yeah…I like to pretend that I blend in…don’t get me wrong… I know that messy hair and black sandals likely wasn’t going to do it in this place, but it was a nice try! – especially since I had just witnessed the men in camouflage shorts basting the chicken with a large mop. Note to self: Don’t eat the chicken.

People started arriving in their jeans and sweatshirts. The guys in the band, who were wearing tuxedos, seemed to be a little more out of sorts than I was. This seemed strange to me too since I am not exactly a “barn, smoke, dirt” kind of girl. There was low phi music playing through bullhorns that were strapped to the ceiling of the open pavilion. I wasn’t exactly a huge fan of the bullhorn. It tended to remind me of gym class as a kid when my asthma and runny nose kept me from being picked for the kickball team until there was no one left for the popular team leaders to pick. They’d look around behind me, as though they hadn’t figured out that every other person had been chosen and all that was left was the snotty headed, flute player who was never going to make it to first base, if she even managed to line her foot up with the ball as the pitcher whipped it at her head at home plate. The gym teacher would activate the bullhorn (right next to my head…um…thanks!), “kkkhd! OKAY! Calia is on this team. Let’s start!”…Oh well…It turned out all okay though…those kickball players are kinda fat now and I became a personal trainer and aerobics instructor. Hah! Whose cardiovascular system is crankin’ now people?… “kkkhd! Race you to home!”…oops…sorry…I’m getting petty again!

So here we were out in the filming of Deliverance. I could hear the dueling banjos playing in my head as I sang “I Will Survive!” I don’t know why I get so distracted during that song. Either I’ve sung it for so many years that it’s on autopilot in my head…or perhaps it was the 400 pound girl in her 40’s who was blatantly hitting on my singer in her “skinny jeans” and sweater as she strutted around in front of him?…yep…that was it.

Time flew by and the sun went down which topped off the temperature to a balmy 40 degrees. I got out my watch so I’d know exactly what time I caught pneumonia. I leaned over to my singer and asked, as I often do, “Can I borrow your pants?” We giggled as usual at the visual we always get of what he would look like standing there with no pants…and what I would look like wearing a 6 foot 4 inch tall man’s pants…and how they really wouldn’t go with my black spaghetti strapped dress and high heeled shoes. All in all - Fun for everyone!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Something is seriously going on here…

I hear all the talk about global warming (oops...I mean "climate-change"...that's what they are calling it now right?) It is starting to worry me that living creatures are getting bigger and bigger! I am extremely worried about this issue. Why do people need to wear such large shoes these days? I have seen huge women wearing little tiny high heeled shoes and worried that there’s no way they are going to hold them up. I’m concerned that before my lifetime is over, we are going to be a nation of giants. Fee fi fo fum, I smell an Englishman between two slices of bread with some ketchup on um…

What? No one else thinks it’s a little strange that birds are getting so darn big? The birds I just saw in my yard could’ve moved cinder blocks with their beaks. Here’s a question…why is it raining and sunny almost all the time these days? God? What would you like? I’m with you on this. I’m building an ark!…but I’m gonna need a guy cause my ark is really not going to keep out the flood waters if I build it myself. I don’t exactly come from a place where “useful skills” were really stressed!…unless you consider singing and dancing, “useful!”…believe me… I’m waiting for the day that the government puts out an emergency request for a dancing, singing blonde girl who can strip down a computer and wiretap a phone at the same time! I’ll throw my hand up in the air and yell, “Oh! Oh! Pick me! I can do it! Pick me!”…I just hope that one of these ridiculously large birds doesn’t peck my eyes out first!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

If you always do what you've always done...

I was contemplating my lack of success in the dating area the other day. This is often what I do when I have a few minutes to think about something other than work and singing. I think, “hmm…I’m all done with all of my work. What should I do?…I know! I’ll hang out with my boyfr…oops…I don’t have a boyfriend…still…” Well! Here we go around and around again. Work, work, vacation, dwell in lack of human companionship, want to jump off a bridge,…work…ah…work…work…so happy…Whoo hooo…HAPPY!…free time…uh oh… So do single people really need to work all the time so it doesn’t matter? Does it seem right that people with kids can celebrate holidays, take kids to doctor’s appointments, go to sporting events as a family, etc…and single people need to stay late, get there early, work through the holidays, etc…??

I pondered the phrase, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.” Let’s see…hmm…I’m always honest and friendly and I get liars and narcissists. I’ll give the change a shot!…I’ll even practice in front of the mirror:

Nice Guy: Hi!

Calia: You think I care?

Nice Guy: I guess not!

Calia: Jerk.

Oh geez…even my imagination screws it up! Unbelievable! I guess I just need to be who I am for now and hope that the liars weed themselves out on the entrance exam!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I Don't think it's "Happily Ever After"…

My friend, who from here on out I will be referring to as “girl who’s no longer my friend (GWNLMF), decided that it would be fun to talk to a guy at a political event last night who I am overwhelmingly disinterested in, and tell him that she thought that he and I would make a great couple. Uh…thanks… for nothing! Are you CRAZY?…how many hours have we spent on the phone talking about this?…Oh well…He came up to me and asked if I had gotten over my fear yet and said something about me not liking what he looked like. I replied, “No. Actually, you are a good-looking guy and the type that I would think was attractive. I just don’t like you. I don’t know what it is but there is absolutely no chemistry at all.”… Was that not straight forward enough? He said that we should go to dinner and try…um…no…we’ve tried that! I’m not going. Some would wonder if I’m being too hard on the guy. Nope. I have been here with him 5 or 6 times over the last 7 years. We just don’t have any connection AT ALL! Too bad too! He would really make a lot of sense for me…if I could stand him. I think the trouble is that he keeps trying to explain the fact that the first time he met me, he told me that I was a diamond all covered in manure with a thick layer of nail polish on it. He tried to explain it again last night! He said “You have so much baggage and you can’t see how beautiful you are but I can.”…um…hello! Stop trying! That doesn’t make it any better for your cause! Telling a girl that you see her as someone who has baggage and a low self-image seems like a bad plan! I’m lucky I even have a purse…baggage isn’t exactly the term I’d use to pick me up! I’m so light and free that I would actually need to be anchored with sandbags to even continue this conversation. Instead…I giggled, closed my eyes and said, “blah, blah, blah, blah! I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you! Blah! Blah!” When I opened my eyes, he was gone! Do you think he told the next person he spoke to that the reason that we aren’t together is that I have baggage, a low self-image, and I’m really childish?…oh boy! I can’t catch a break on this one! As for GWNLMF…are you kidding me?…remind me the next time I visit a prison ward to take your phone number with me to hand out!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Please Don't Steal The Bread Stick...

Who steals the breadstick off of a plate? Uncool! I love my bread! You can't just take it!…I can’t believe the nerve of some guys. I went on a date with one who was, for all intents and purposes, very nice. He picked me up and took me to dinner. Going well so far… We had good conversation, (though he was a little louder than my “normal guy” taste), and a nice meal. He had finished his 4 courses and I was still nursing my salad. It was a great salad but I was eating slowly while we talked. As he finished his food, he reached across the table and took my breadstick off the side of my plate….huh?…what the?…HEY!…That’s my breadstick!…I was savoring that tasty, delicious, carbohydrate treat for after I was done with my lettuce. Unbelievable!…I thought that maybe it was just an oversight. He probably didn’t even realize he did it…unless of course he thought that since he was paying for the meal, my plate was his too?…AAGH! If that’s the case, I’ll buy my own dinner! I went home and dismissed the issue as a mistake on his part and decided that since I was always accused of not giving guys a chance, I would try one more time with him the following week.

The next week came along…different restaurant, different menu, SAME BREAD ABDUCTION! That’s MY gosh darn bread! Don’t get between a girl and her bread. What is up with that? He called again after that night and left me a message. “Hey Calamaria! Calalamadingdong, Calamazustiphan!…wanna get together this week?”…um…nope….and don’t call me that! Yuck! This is why overly outgoing guys turn me off! If I want to hang out with an obnoxiously loud bread thief, I’ll stay at home by myself! At least that way I only have myself to blame!