Dressing like someone cares!

So…I had this strange thing happen yesterday. I was getting ready for my day…you know....packing up some lunch, making the bed, blow drying my hair…etc…The earlier I wake up, the more fun stuff I find to do around the house. I noticed a cobweb on my bathroom ceiling so I stood on the toilet and reached across to the area in the corner above the sink. As I was stretched across the window area, I noticed the neighbor watching me through his window. Darn!... Of course I was completely naked and totally forgot that the upper part of the window isn’t fogged over. Let this be a lesson to me! I really have to be more careful! Did you ever notice (or maybe it’s just me), that when you live alone, you tend to get dressed all out of order? I put on my clothes just before I leave the house. When I was a kid, I seem to remember my parents being dressed before either of them ever left the bathroom in the morning. I get a little worried once in a while, that I’m going to forget and take the garbage out or something. That would be embarrassing! Remember that episode of Seinfeld about the girl who was always naked? Well…there’s good naked and there’s bad naked…I’m assuming that standing on your toilet, stretched across the room with your arm to the ceiling has got to be a “bad naked”!

What did I learn from this?...well…most likely…the wrong thing! I’m going to put a note on my door for when I’m taking the garbage out that says “STOP! CHECK TO MAKE SURE YOU’RE WEARING CLOTHES!” That should help!...other than that, I learned that if I was applying the tips in “The Secret”, I’m doing it all wrong! That book even said that I should clear out half my closet and leave room for my “perfect partner!”...and come to think of it, judging from my taste in men, my "perfect partner" is probably already in the closet! ...and when I meet him, shouldn’t we buy a house that has enough closet space for both of us? Clearly, if he moved in here, we’d have to get one of those “pod- storage” things in order to keep his things outside! Darn it!... Oh well…baby steps! I suppose we can start by getting dressed before we dust the ceiling next time!

Oops…Late to work today…

I was a half hour late to work today…oops…I was picking out the perfect earrings! I worked out and had an amazing morning. The top I put on was such a great color of blue that I couldn’t slight in the accessories department! I actually have to pat myself on the back though. Usually I am an hour early everywhere and then wonder where everyone is? Good for me!

So my boss came up to me and said “Where were you this morning? I was able to get 3 children and a husband out the door for school and still make it here on time!”…I smiled and said, “Whoa…That sounds like a lot of work! … What do you think of my earrings?”

What’s up with that?

I was driving down the street today and noticed a man getting out of his Mercedes wearing a hard-hat carrying a cup of coffee in his hand…that’s all I have to say about that…

Wait…no. I guess it isn’t. Over the years, I have often played a little game with myself that I like to call, “I wonder what they are doing in there?” I would drive by people's houses and picture what sort of people lived in them and make little scenarios about what they were doing inside. I do tend to have things figured out quite often though I have never gotten up the guts to actually break into the houses to find out if my assessments are correct. (Mainly because I’m usually wearing a gown and heels when I’m driving by and it seems somehow inappropriate to break and enter in that sort of attire. Of course I have seen many a girl wearing a beautiful wedding dress as she drank beer from a bottle…breaking and entering seems far less extreme- especially since that memory won’t be saved for posterity forever in a photo album that the girl’s 3rd husband will likely make her burn when she says “till death do us part” …again….to him one day)…oops…there I go again- holding back my opinions. People keep saying, “Calia! You need to learn to express yourself. You can’t keep it all bottled up inside or you’re likely to die of a stress related illness!”…They’re right you know!

Anyway…The man wearing the wedding gown with the beer bottle in his hand getting out of his Mercedes….um…I mean the man wearing the wedding gown with a hard hat getting out of his Mercedes…No. You know what I mean!…Where was he going? Hardhat areas hardly occupy the pretentious. (and don’t get me wrong about pretentious- I love Mercedes…but they aren’t exactly cheap and require a certain taste when purchasing) I wanted to follow him for one of my episodes of “I wonder what they are doing in there?” but I didn’t feel like waiting around so I wrote one in my head instead!

What are they doing in there? Episode: Hard-hat Man in Mercedes

lights fade to evening…Calia in floor length gown, brings her car to a stop around the corner from where the man just pulled his Mercedes into the garage

The lights flip on in the kitchen in front of the house as Calia runs between trees to get around back. She sneaks up to the picture window that is just above ground level and peers into a dark living room. She notices shadows of people talking in the next room dancing across the wall but she can’t hear the conversation.She bolts to a door around the side of the house and it is luckily unlocked. She slips into the back of a garage area to get closer in time to hear about the hard-hat guy’s day.

Hard-hat guy: Your car seems fine to me! I don’t think you need a new one.

Dainty wife: But didn’t you hear the clicking from the glove compartment at high speeds?

Hard-hat guy: Yeah. But I just turned up the radio.

His wife starts to throw a temper tantrum but her words are unintelligible through her screams of discontent. Calia unhinges the door into the living room and quietly slips closer to the action inside the house.

Dainty wife: You are such a piece of loser crap. I want a new one.

Hard-hat guy: Honey. We can’t afford a new one. I’m working as hard as we can.

Dainty wife: (muttering through tears) You could get another job!

Hard-hat guy: Me? What did you do today? Your nails?

hard-hat guy realizes that his question was probably not going to be taken in the way he meant it…well…Actually he was quite certain that his question would be taken in the way he meant it but definitely did not want to get into that argument right now since the take out he had in his hand was getting cold!

Hard-hat guy: I mean…Your nails look really nice.

Dainty wife: (screaming as she slaps the food from his hand) I DIDN’T sign up for this!

Just then he steps into the living room and flips on the light to see Calia standing in the corner. She froze as though she was a lamp. This was not a great disguise at this time, but it was the best she could do on short notice.

Hard-hat guy: What the?

The screaming and crying in the next room was getting louder as it came towards the room where a baffled hard-hat guy and paralyzed Calia stood.
The dainty insane wife enters!

Calia: (thinking on her feet) Hi! Shoot! I think we ruined the surprise. Oh well! Here goes.

Calia starts to sing:

For my one and only you

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do

Each day just leaves me wanting more

So come with me to the jewelry store

Calia: (turning to the extremely confused man) This is the part we practiced where you get down on one knee!

Hard-hat guy does it cause he has no idea what is going on!

Calia sings: I love you my beautiful girl! (She turns slowly towards the door before their faces lose their blank stares. She steps into the garage, shuts the door and bolts to her car!)
It was a clean get away! Thank God for comfortable shoes!)

Lights fade back to reality and Calia is driving without incident to her original destination!

I bounced back into reality about a mile up the street and found myself giggling at my adventure. What had I learned from this? Well...I need to stop drinking coffee! Clearly these attention deficit hallucinations are becoming a little bit out of control. The other thing I learned is that breaking into someone’s house to find out what they are doing could potentially get me into trouble. Good thing I ran a dry run to weigh out the possible areas where the plan could go wrong! Note to self: when breaking and entering in the future, take a lampshade to wear for the lamp disguise. This will really make things less awkward!

Day 1!

Isn’t interesting how so many people try to start new things after the holidays! It’s the resolution phase. I was at the gym today and it was packed! I assumed that most of those people had new memberships and were starting a new routine…then I was sure of it when I saw two women walking out of the men’s locker room. I’ve always worked out so this isn’t necessarily an issue for me though I can relate to the feeling in the morning of knowing that things are going to change…and then the feeling in the evening of knowing you can start over again tomorrow!…I call it “DAY 1.” The day 1 concept is one great way of justifying all of your actions. We can push off nearly anything by using it. It’s extremely useful and utterly useless at the same time. I love the diet that we start on a Friday and then when we get home from work, decide that there might be a reason to eat (ie: a party, family coming over, a holiday, a good movie, we feel like it!). Usually this one is well justified and the original plan is easily pushed off to buy yourself a couple more days to be able to start fresh on Monday. The only trouble is that on Monday, the lunch on the girl’s plate next to you looks so good that Tuesday is a better day to start!

We all do this. It’s a great way to ease our minds to believe that we are doing the “right thing!” This method is used in all areas of our lives. I’ve heard it where divorce is concerned too. People say that they want to stay together for the kids….next thing you know, they are saying that they needed to separate for the kids because they need to see what a healthy relationship looks like. We really just rationalize our actions to make ourselves feel better about where we are at any given moment. Single people like to say that they prefer being single (thank God, cause if they didn’t, they’d be miserable), married people say they prefer being married (feeewwww…other than the guys who often tell me that their marriage has been over for a long time…”but don’t tell my wife that I said so!”), heavy people prefer to have curves (until they lose weight and say that they had struggled with weight their entire life and now feel healthy and energetic for the first time in their life!), ugly people are happy not to have all the common struggles of the beautiful people (and by struggles, they mean being popular with other beautiful people!)…Well! It’s a darn good thing that we are all so happy and well adjusted to our own personal situations, cause if not, everyone would be in therapy!…I’m glad I don’t need therapy cause I have this blog to keep me sane.

Sample Blog:

Monday: Day 1

Today is going to be a great day! I can tell that I’m ready to go on my diet and my food is completely under control. The gym is awaiting my arrival and I know that this is the start of something great!

Tuesday: Day 1

Today is going to be the best day ever. I didn’t make it to the gym last night cause I went to dinner at the Chinese buffet- alone…and had to stop off at the movie theatre for the “all you can eat Popcorn” special and eat it all in the parking lot so I could go back in for a refill before I went home. I know that today is going to be the start of my new diet. This is a great day!

Wednesday: Day 1!

What a day I have planned. I’m going to go to the gym for the first day. It seems like such a great start to my new resolution. I woke up feeling energetic and excited. I ate chocolate cake and watched a movie last night because my friend came over. We had such a nice time talking and eating that I didn’t make it to the gym. It is truly the start of something great! Today is the day…

Oh well…Maybe this isn’t what my blog tends to look like, but it does color life in a new shade. My friend always says “color me happy!”…Is that because she needs to be convinced that she is indeed happy and is expressing it, or that she needs to be colored that way to distract from what’s under the fresh coat of happiness painted on? I think that I am going to color myself “not on a diet” so I can stop breaking it! Day 1: No diet! Day 2: I didn’t do a diet yesterday. Day 3: Color me happy! Yesterday I ate when I was hungry instead of like a wild animal that hadn’t eaten in…well…2 1/2 hours! Day 4: Color me wearing my favorite skinny jeans!

Do these girls make me look old?

What is going on with men and much younger women? I suppose I understand that sometimes we need to surround ourselves with youth in order to regain our own. But…Every smart woman knows that when you put on a little weight, you don’t want to squeeze into your skinny jeans. It’s best to wear your pants a little looser in order to hide the fact that you are a little bigger! Men! You need you wear your women a little looser…wait…I mean older!

… Do these girls make me look old?…No. Absolutely not! You and your great granddaughters look really cute at your birthday party! How old are you now? 115? You look great for your age!

I had a guy try to have me thrown out of the country club last weekend because I didn’t laugh at his joke…well…actually I told him that it sucked but that is a story for another time!…On my behalf, I have to say that the joke did suck. Anyway…he left his much younger date on the porch to fend for herself amongst the country club set. Clearly she wasn’t going to fit in but apparently that didn’t matter cause he wanted to be sure to gain my respect by telling me that he had had it with me insulting him. This was clearly a bad idea on his part cause dragging me around a country club demanding respect while acting like a whiny, weasely, spoiled brat isn’t going to get you the reaction your looking for. He told me sternly that I had embarrassed him before at a party when some older doctor had suggested that he and I would make a good couple and I replied, “No. I’m sorry. He’s too old for me.”…what?…My answer to him was simple…again I said, “yeah. You are.”…The steam came out of his ears! Why can’t I seem to get this right? Darn it Calia! I need to practice lying to guys in front of the mirror. “Oh my goodness sir! I’m so sorry you felt that way. What I meant was, since you are 15 years older than me and clearly the master of your domain in your all-knowing omnipotent being, I would never be good enough for you. You are also way too tall for me too as I like guys who are under 4 and a half feet tall and you are nearly 5’3’.” There!…is that better? Needless to say I didn’t fix anything. He followed me around the country club and when I turned around, his head was practically lined up with my neck and he said, “You aren’t respecting me!” I burst into laughter and said, “If I am bothering you, walk away from me.” He smoothly said, “I’m not walking away. You walk away.”…I replied nonchalantly, “okay.” And turned away from him and walked off.

Crazy People Don’t Age?

I was watching this lady while I sang the other night. She has to be at least 15 years older than I am and she is absolutely beautiful and young looking still. I remember her from way back and she has a 25-year-old daughter. She was always very “excited”. Everyone knows that she is as close to insane as a person can be without being locked away…Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure she’s spent a weekend or two convincing some unassuming doctors that she was sane. I’m sure that they just let her out because she was smokin’ hot and they probably weren’t allowed to date their patients…and their wives likely wouldn’t want them to either. I realized that the crazier you are, the more likely it is that you will not physically age. It makes me really believe that not worrying about anything stops the clock. Personally, I have made it a practice of not trying to worry about anything that I can’t change in the past. I remember kicking a rock as a child and accidentally hitting a car with it. Boy! My Dad was mad at me. It was a Vintage Black something or other…I don’t know what…because I was about 9 years old. I think my Dad wanted me to be more sorry than I was. I was sorry…but I wasn’t sure how to go back and undo the pebble kick. I guess I don’t really know what he wanted me to say but “oops. Sorry”, wasn’t exactly what he was looking for. I should go back and make sure that car is okay…although I’m quite sure that the owner has long since passed away worrying about the little pebble ding in the fender. “Oops…Sorry.”

I know that the definition of “crazy” is “doing something over and over again and expecting different results.” I suppose I’m not crazy enough to look like I’m still 9 years old though I have always closely monitored the perimeter when I’ve kicked pebbles since. It’s okay though. I really don’t worry about anything anymore. I always get a last minute pardon in every instance, so worrying along the way is an aging, fruitless attempt at beating myself up over the past. I have no need to do so. If I could figure out how to build a time machine though, I suppose I could try to go back and unkick the rock, undate the narcissist, unlike the girl in college who didn’t care for me because she was worried that I might have a better singing voice, unthink that I wasn’t good enough for guys who clearly weren’t good enough for me even though they spent most of their time trying to convince me that I wasn’t…hmm…Interesting! I can’t, I learned from them, I do but don’t care, I am and they aren’t! Great! No time machine necessary. But if I ever do complete this time machine that I’m working on, I would like to give each of those people the opportunity to take a ride in it back in time to figure out what they may have had in their past that made them feel like it was necessary to make everyone in their future feel like they weren’t as good as them instead of allowing them to flourish by their own right!…But when they get back, I’ll likely be in a different part of town where people knew each other’s worth all along!

So many people spend their lives trying to convince people who don’t want to be a positive force in their lives that they should like them while looking through the hearts of the people who already recognize and appreciate them to begin with. I don’t need to prove anything. I’ve stopped worrying about those people who will never get me anyway. Crazy town is for the youthful and happy!…Besides…though I’m pretty good with electronics, I usually get so excited when something powers up, I start it up even though I have all sorts of parts left over. That time machine will likely explode upon re-entry! I wouldn’t ride in that thing! – Too risky!

Merry Christmas (fill in your name here)

I find it a little odd that texting has made life so impersonal. I can’t tell you how many text messages I received today that had obviously been sent to everyone in the cell phone’s address book. “You are so important to me. Have a very Merry Christmas.”, “When I think about the time we’ve spent together, I laugh!”,…”Happy (insert the holiday you celebrate here!)”…I suppose it’s no different than sending out multiple Christmas cards or letters? That’s perfectly acceptable. People have a group of friends that mean something to them and everyone gets one. One person even stopped me on the way out of work yesterday. He said, “Wait! I have a card for you!”…He dug around in his bag and pulled out an atheist holiday greeting card with a peace sign on the front. I opened it up to find that it was completely unsigned. He was right. It was indeed a card. For me?…Probably not, though it was mine now. Good thing too. I had been looking for something to give to that atheist on my Christmas list.

Oh well…I suppose that no one views life exactly how I do. I understand that my old-fashioned thoughts leave me believing in people and the meaning of the holidays in such a way that many would be taken back by my naivety. I guess I’m all right with that. I’m not much into the materialistic/commercial meaning of Christmas. I like to make things for people that mean something to them. I know that some people don’t have that flare for creativity and likely couldn’t write a song or draw a painting. But how about a card with a signature in it? Or even a text that hasn’t obviously been copied from a “How to make people think you care about them at the holidays with little or no personal thought of your own” handbook?

Dear (name), I love the way your (blonde/brown/red) hair sparkles in the light. I remember the time we (insert memory you may have of me here). It was really (fun/imaginative/scary). Thank you for being (a friend, an acquaintance/a business partner). I look forward to (never seeing you again/getting together over the holidays/a lifelong friendship/getting to know you better/having children with you.) Sincerely, Me