Is he just a puzzle to be solved?

How many years do people waste on people who are not ever going to be the person we want them to be?  I find the number of how many people I talk to who are “trying to figure out” someone while he is “trying to figure out what” he wants, overwhelming. 

I responded to a friend recently who told me that he needed to learn how to just take it as it comes and go with it.  I wrote back in jest: “Since when do you take things as they come?”  I giggled at the thought that someone was clearly telling him that she cared about him and wanted him to “take things as they come” in hopes that he will one day “love” her.  The real question was how long would she wait for him to “figure it out?”  The answer - Likely WAY TOO LONG!

So why do women want to be TOLD the answer?  I’ve spent much of my life wanting people to tell me when they have no interest in being my friend.  How funny (and pathetic) that sounds from the perspective of my voice writing my thoughts to people who do this instead of taking my own advice. Why can’t we analyze people’s actions and instead of saying “I’ll be here for you when you figure it out”, say, “You know what?  You SUCK!  I don’t want to be YOUR friend!” 

Someone told me once that therapists believe it to be a lack of self-esteem that allows a person to let herself be treated in this way.  Funny thing was that I was always so set on the fact that I thought I was showing the other person who was broken in some way that people were good, that I didn’t realize how full of myself I actually was!  Who was I to believe that there was no way someone wouldn’t like me?  Did I ever stop to think that maybe my kindness and smiling personality made him want to puke a little?  WELL!  PUKE AWAY!  I’ll be right here every single day until you say the words “Calia.  I don’t want to be your friend” and then give me an exact reason why.  Until then I’ll be here waiting for your call, I’ll drop everything when you need something,  I’ll run to the ends of the earth to make sure you have a smile on your face when you’re stressed, I’ll walk your puppy...okay... NO.  (I’m not walking anyone’s puppy!  That is crossing the line...puppies...I don’t like puppies...)

So do we really need to hear the words?  Do we keep people in our lives as a puzzle to “solve”?  What if the puzzle has a couple of missing pieces that he misplaced from his box MANY years ago and there is no solution?  Before you wrap yourself up in the game of helping him by putting yourself second, you better be sure that his rubik’s cube hasn’t had a couple of stickers removed from each color or you’re going to be very disappointed when you get to the last step and his cube is still all messed up.

Who? Me?

I was scrolling through my news-feed on Facebook to find a crazy angry post:

 "You've screwed me over for the last time! Don't think I'm ever going to fall for your shit again!"

 ...um...Who? Me?...I went over and over it in my head. Boy! I sure had affected this poor person today. Had I made plans to get together with her and stood her up? I was quite sure that my #1 life rule of never committing to a specific social gathering unless I was the singer, sometimes took a bit of time for the people around me to catch on to. Usually I received approximately 4 or 5 invites to a jewelry party or wedding shower before a person realized that it might be better just to come right out and ask me for money or a gift! It is quite true that I would pay almost any amount of money NOT to sit around a living room eating cake with a group of women. Of course if you are having a bridal shower at the gym, count me in.

 What had I done to this girl though? I didn't remember using one of my noncommittal responses to an invitation that was specifically worded not to lock me in to "coffee" or "lunch" with her.

 "Yes. We should get together sometime"
 "oh! That would be fun. I'm very busy. I'll call you sometime."
 "I'm singing everyday from now until Christmas (next year) but we should get together after that."

 A person wouldn't really post a specific issue with only one person on a public forum for hundreds of people to read would they? That would be ridiculous! It must be me...because the world revolves around me (or at least that’s what my mother used to say...or did she say it DOESN'T revolve around me?...can’t remember) At any rate, apparently I do A LOT of things that offend people! I might need to find some new friends...

Half As Hot As We Think We Are

I've been really starting to wonder why dating is so hard.  The only thing I can think of is that there may be a disconnect between what people want, and what people are able to get.  I was thinking of starting a dating website called “inyourleague.com” for ‘ugly’ people.   Is that mean?  I have to wonder if we all think we’re a bit more attractive than we really are. Maybe a good rule of thumb is to realize that we are all half as good looking as we think and go for someone in that category.  We might have a better shot.  I got to thinking that if I use that equation, I was very lucky to have met my beautiful husband.  No wonder I was single for 8 years!

I help a few of my guy friends out on dating websites by doing the initial correspondence with women for them.  Did you know that there are entire companies out there that do this for people?  It costs a fortune but they correspond with the ‘dating prospect’ until they are interested enough to meet.  Can you imagine doing that back before computers?  You get to the alter and you think you know each other from hours and hours of phone calls and conversations while you've really been talking to someone else who has just been saying what they think you want to hear? ...wait...come to think of it, in my experience that is sort of what dating was when I was out there. 

“Match” always seemed like a good idea for about 4 days every year (after those 4 days, I was completely freaked out and hiding from my computer in the corner of my room).  But I would never learn my lesson and each year around new years, I would write my profile and put up some pictures and then get hundreds of emails.  Twenty or so would be from age appropriate men while the others were usually in the 50-100 age range...with a dog.  (My profile blatantly said “please don’t contact me if you have a dog- I’m allergic.”  Obviously these people were only looking at my picture – HA!  Maybe I’m TWICE as attractive as I think I am!  Giggle...) Anyway...now I’m writing to women using guy’s pictures.  Why is this SO much harder?  There must be way more men on there than women. My friends are good looking guys.  I really don’t know what the problem is.  Some of my emails go unread completely while others get a response and then go completely silent in the middle of a conversation!  Wtf?  Is it really that much easier for women that they can just cut in and out at will?  The only thing I can think of is that my guy friends are very specific about not wanting to go out with women who are divorced or already have children because they are in their 30’s and want to start their own families so this seriously cuts down the dating pool.  BUT you can’t tell me that there aren’t women out there in that category looking for a ‘nice’ guy? (who sort of writes like a girl...kidding...I write very manly!)  Every time one of these girls stops talking after a couple of emails with no expressed reason, I am absolutely crushed!  How could she dump me without telling me why?  I mean...Who the heck does she think she is not to like me?  I bet she’s only half as hot as her pictures.  She should be on my new website “Ihavenointentionofevergettingtogether.com”

Unavailable!...period.

I always get into conversations with men and women alike about struggles that they are having in their relationships.  Of course I bring on the conversation myself in order to gain an understanding of these things in order to offer up my twisted, yet precise view of each situation.

One of my most recurring conversational treats is with people who are “trying” to see someone who is unavailable.  We've all fallen for that sad story at one point or another! “I’m married but we are trying to break up but it’s complicated because she/he has some emotional issues.”  “My boyfriend really wants to be with me but his girlfriend keeps playing on him every time he tries to leave.”  “She says that she is working through some things and isn't ready for a relationship right now.”  “He says he was really hurt in the past so he needs to spend time with me without any commitment and without anyone knowing.” “But he’s my best friend!  No one gets him like I do!”

Hmm...well...I don’t know what to say...Wait!  Yes I do!  In this world where many people are out there broken and trying to date on the heels of divorce or breakup as a Band-Aid instead of healing from their past first, we have GOT TO GET A GRIP!  "Overlap dating" is a disaster for everyone involved.  The truth is that someone who has someone else in their life that he/she just “can’t leave”, is getting something out of that relationship.  If they wanted to leave, they would.  I know it doesn't seem that easy in the moment, but it is. Ending a relationship is never easy but no one is as “confused” as they say they are.  If you’re confused and wondering if you’re with the right person, you probably aren't with the right person!  Period.  Men and women’s brains function differently in this regard however.  Women tend to read between the lines instead of taking actions into account, while men can compartmentalize their actions.  I truly believe that if a man could cheat on his wife without ever ruining his marriage, he would.  If you've noticed, most men in the “middle of a divorce” because they met someone else, had their wife “accidentally” find out.  (Usually the accident has been a good friend of the extra girlfriend talking in the bathroom a little too loudly while, “oops!  His wife’s best friend was in the stall!  OMG!  How did that happen?”)  I look at it like eating at a buffet.  If you can eat both a slice of chocolate cake that is rich and fulfilling, and a piece of strawberry shortcake that is light and playful, you are going to.  Your decision is really only made for you if one of them make you throw up before you eat the other one.  If not?  Win win!

I know...I do get ranting a bit...My point is that we need to have a little more strength to let a person go until they are available to have something worthwhile. One quality relationship is way more fulfilling than a bunch of nothings that get us worked up on the telephone with our girlfriends.  I also worry that we need to be better role models to the next generation of 20somethings.  I watch as these poor girls think that being beautiful and taking a guy from someone else is some sort of huge accomplishment.  Unfortunately, being 20 and BEAUTIFUL isn't an accomplishment.  Being 35 and showing these young girls by example that they are worth someone’s undivided attention and showering of love from someone who deserves them IS.

Find another route…

I was driving down a back street yesterday and I had a revelation! I was totally screwed by my parents!…now mom…don’t take offense to this. (no offense taken!…hee hee…I like to talk to myself to justify my own words…it’s a little thing I've picked up from being completely alone most of the time!) Oh well…(smile)…I realized that we are all a product of our childhoods. That being said, the point is that no matter how great or how bad our childhood is, there is apparently no “right” way to raise your children. My choice for my children in the future would be the way my parents did it- with fantasy, creativity and a unique family bond that many would look at as a colorful, flowery version of the Munsters.

Anyway…the back roads…As a kid, my mother used to take this crazy route to the mall….As a matter of fact, she and my father both, would take crazy routes to just about everywhere we were going. I remember taking friends with us, and on many occasions (if it was their first time riding with us) they would say, “Um…Where’s your Mom taking us? Is this right?” I would giggle and reply, “Don’t worry. Dad says that this way is more romantic!” From then on, they would love to ride with us because they were excited to see where we would go while somehow still reaching our destination. I think my father started this, though I’m not sure that they didn’t both have this zest for life, which is probably what brought them together in the first place! He would always take back roads everywhere. He loved the trees and the fact that there was no traffic. He called it “romantic.” I guess I hear him on that point…but it may explain why romance in my world consists of driving really fast and being lifted into the air by bumps in the road and laughing hysterically. One of my sisters was always a little bit different than the rest of us for some reason. She had a sense of embarrassment for our crazy ways. She was hosting an exchange student from Spain one year and my father and I took her with us to go pick the exchange student up when she arrived. He drove one of his “romantic” routes home and pulled into the driveway of a burned out shack on one of the back streets, turned off the engine, and he and I pretended to get out as though it was where we lived. (He and I had a thing like that! We didn't need to talk to know what the plan was!) The look on the exchange student’s face was priceless…the look on my sister’s face was even better! We laughed and got back in and drove to our real house that, though I’m biased, was the most beautiful house in the world! It spoke it’s own language because inside it had the personality of every dimension of the definition of family and it was truly a part of us! As for my sister…I’m not sure that she ever got over it but she’s wonderful anyway!

So what’s the moral of this story?…No matter where you are in life, there are many different roads you can take while you’re living it. The most direct route may not get you to your destination any quicker, but many people feel safer on it. I don’t feel safer on the direct route. I was taught that there are many ways to get to where you are going. The road where you laugh and throw your hands up in the air with a sort of freedom that allows you to enjoy even the simplest of journeys, is usually the one I choose. The only struggle I have is that there are very few people who grew up the way I did so there aren't many people choosing that road. I suppose I could try the other one…but would I be happy on it? Well! - Would you believe that I actually ran into a guy who was driving on this same road?  Yeah...he was driving a bit slower than I was but thank God he was. I'm fast and furious and he's methodical and distracted...The perfect couple don't you think?  If he had been going as fast as I was, we would've ended up running into each other head-on and ended up in the creek!

Hiding behind the truth?

I find it very interesting when I run into women who make excuses for the guys they are seeing. I’ve heard things like, “He’s just scared”, “He was hurt before and isn’t ready to get involved”, “He’s has really changed!”…uh oh ladies! Has he really changed or has the way you look at his actions changed? Don’t you think it’s interesting that we can always see a train wreck coming when we’re standing on the outside…but if we’re standing on the tracks, we keep expecting the train to get out of our way and are surprised when it runs us over? It’s nobody’s fault really. It’s human nature to want to trust and believe in the people around us. The trouble with that is that so often, the people around us are telling us exactly what their intentions are, but we choose to interpret what we want their words to mean. I had a guy in my life once that I had clearly told that I didn’t want to date him. One day, his mother showed up and asked me what was going on between us? I replied, “Nothing. I’ve told him we aren’t dating.”…She seemed surprised and asked, “Then why the prolonged game?”…huh?…I was actually very upset by this. I mean…we were hanging out in the evenings and having dinner with his family but I thought that the underlying relationship issue had been dealt with by having the conversation about how we weren’t dating….right?…wrong!…My actions were apparently negating my words. I decided that we were spending time together as friends and that it was apparently all right with him. Judging from his mother’s words, he saw things (or at least she did) differently. So what could I have done differently? I suppose I could’ve told him to go home due to the fact that we weren’t “seeing each other.”…BUT- it’s the old, “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?” adage…only more like, “why send the guy home if he wants to have dinner with you and you’ll only sit here alone if he does … it’s his choice…he knows where I stand… I’m proud of myself for being so honest… I’m glad we’re not dating anymore… if you can watch a movie with the cow for free while free to roam the pasture for a cow you’d rather watch a movie with” adage… I call it the common acronym “WSTGHIHWTHDWYAYOSHAIHC”…It’s likely that the acronym isn’t catching on though (too many ‘W’s). It’s better known as self-preserving behavior that rationalizes away the affects it is having on the other person who cares too much about you to make their own judgment call about what it is!

We have all done it at one time or another I guess. I have a friend who has been with a girl since she was 21 years old and now, 8 years later, he is still adamant about telling her in no uncertain terms that he will never marry her. I hope, for her sake, that “he’s changing” because in another 5 years or so, she might find herself on a lecturing circuit selling my books to 30somethings who have wasted their time with people who hid behind the truth throughout most of their adult lives and have waken up and asked, “What now?”

We can try to make a difference in this area by really being honest with ourselves about the reasons we spend time with certain people. If it’s a fear of being alone, it’s not really a good enough reason to waste the time of another person. The trouble is that explaining that to someone who is begging to stand in front of the train is often a fruitless effort! It’s not easy to protect someone else if they won’t at least try to protect themselves a little. We should just remember that someone might end up standing in front of you one day blaming you for stealing her life. Is it really worth it to be able to tell her, “but I told you so.”…

"Picture Perfect"

I was noticing a friends’ interactions with his girlfriend at a wedding last night.  This would sound crazy if you didn't already know that while I’m singing, I have very little to do with my brain.  Over the 20 years I've been jumping around and singing in a band on the weekends, I have observed some of the most interesting things.   I find that if I think too hard about the lyrics, I have no idea what they are anymore. SO- I just watch.

Background on my friend:  I actually don’t know much about him but I have seen him out throughout the years and from where I’m standing, he is a truly beautiful person.  When he smiles across a room, he has a spark that lights up the place.  You can tell he comes from a nice family and has charisma that many guys just don’t have in this day and age. 

That being said...I couldn't help but notice how he and his beautiful girlfriend interacted with each other.  It was clear to me that either they were fighting, or though they really “like” each other, that “love connection” wasn't quite there.  They sat a couple of feet apart from each other and spoke with the other people at the table.  He would lean in and kindly ask her if she needed anything if he was getting up from the table.  When they danced together, she would rest her head on his shoulder but he would look around and smile and interact with the people around him.  When she talked to him, she seemed to have a frown on her face that seemed to be scolding him every time she spoke.  Of course I could go on and on...BUT that’s really NOT my point here.  I’m quite certain that she is an amazing person.  I’m also reasonably sure that they both want this to be “it.”  Unfortunately, it is transparently obvious to someone who is watching from the outside, that “it” - it is NOT.  I found it interesting that every time someone went to take a picture of them, they cuddled up like the cutest couple I've ever seen.  She would smile from ear to ear and he would grit his teeth and “smile” too!  (I’m SO happy.  Boy I LOVE this girl!...oh God what am I ever going to do?...I wish I was with anyone else but her.)

The “picture” of happiness seemed to me to represent the reason they were together to begin with.  Everyone in the family went out of their way to comment on Facebook about “what a beautiful couple they are!”  On paper, this was a match made in heaven.  It reminded me of a few years back (before I got married of course ;)  I had been single for a long time and my family and friends got sort of sick of it.  Once all of your friends start getting married, the pressure starts taking its toll on you.  Everyone you run into on the street has to greet you with:

“SO?...”

...uh...I’d be like “um...So?  What?”

.... “Are you in love?”

um...Really?  This is all they could think of when they saw me?  I’m the single girl who needed to be in a relationship right then or else they thought something was wrong with me?  It was apparent that people started to think that the problem was me being “too choosy” or “looking for something that doesn't exist out there.”  This really bummed me out because I started to wonder if they were right.  What I knew to be the truth was that I was really hoping to meet someone who I was attracted to, who inspired me intellectually, and made me smile when I thought about how he touched my hand the first time we met (and didn't make me throw up a little when he called me too much).  BUT- the kind, ‘non-pressuring’ onlookers who were oh so helpful kept pairing me up with the “perfect” guy.  There was one guy who resurfaced over and over again.  He was exactly what I was looking for- catholic, Italian, businessman, nice looking, never married, wanted a family...He was apparently the ONLY one out there because more than one person fixed me up with him.  I tried SO hard to like him.  Everyone thought we looked great together.  In fact we may have been “picture perfect.”  The problem was that I had absolutely NO interest in him.  When we talked, I felt stifled.  When I looked at him, though he was admittedly really good looking, I was utterly unattracted to him. I actually wanted to put more clothes on when he kissed me!  I tried over and over again to like him.  It got to the point that I started to believe what everyone around me was saying. (By ‘everyone’, I mean friends and family who so kindly pointed out over and over again that “maybe you just don’t want to be happy and need help”)  Ouch!  Did I need therapy?  I wondered over and over again if they were right?  I had been single for a long time and had met some nice people and yet nothing really seemed to stick.

SO...What did I do?...Well...I tried to like that guy a few more times.  Still nothing.  So I went on about my business.  Did I need to see a therapist to “fix” what was wrong with me? HA!  Probably.  BUT not because I didn't want to marry the guy that everyone else thought was perfect for me.

If I was my friend, looking back, what would I do? Having been on both sides of this, I know how I feel about it. Of course when it comes to human relationships, there’s no easy way to fix it.  I started to think that it might just be easier to not get involved at all because for some reason my “breakups” never took.  I would say what I thought I needed to say to end it and yet the guys always showed back up as if I had dreamed the whole conversation.  This happened more than once.  I’m sure I just wasn't being clear though. The old “I’m sorry but this just isn't working but I think you’re really nice” was received as a “maybe I’ll like you tomorrow.  Just leave a bag of clothes here so you have something to wear next week when you come over.”  In the end, I started using something more direct like- “It’s not me.  It’s you.  I can’t stand you. “ ...so I digress...oh yeah...I was trying to come up with a solution for my friend ;)

First -He needs to really decide why he is with her? 

Is it because she’s beautiful and the families think they are “picture perfect” and ending it would affect everyone around him? Or when he met her, did his stomach flip when she giggled at him?  Did he used to look at her with that smile that I've noticed when he shoots a look across the room at other girls who may have shown him interest?  If so, why is it so much work all of a sudden?  Does he still get that feeling of not wanting to be anywhere else in the world when he is with her? (Did he ever?)

Next- If he answers those questions for himself and the truth is that “you can’t fake true love”, he needs to understand that he is NOT broken.  His family will understand if he simply tells them that he just didn't love her -no matter how hard he wanted to and couldn't waste her time because she deserved to be with someone who did.  They can grumble about it among themselves later. When he does meet “the one”, they will get over it because he will be noticeably happier himself.

What was my ending?  I waited it out.  I did meet my catholic, Italian, businessman who would become my best friend.  Yes.  I needed to adjust my views a little in order to balance out what was “right” for me with what my definition of “attraction” was.  But that’s a story for another day...

Moral:  “Picture Perfect” is really only good for the photo album.  Living a lifetime sharing your innermost thoughts with a book that might one day get washed away in a flood in your basement makes for a very unfulfilled heart.  Live the life that’s picture worthy and be sure to take the time to notice what that photo looks like that is snapped when you aren't aware the camera is there.  That’ll take your breath away!