"Picture Perfect"

I was noticing a friends’ interactions with his girlfriend at a wedding last night.  This would sound crazy if you didn't already know that while I’m singing, I have very little to do with my brain.  Over the 20 years I've been jumping around and singing in a band on the weekends, I have observed some of the most interesting things.   I find that if I think too hard about the lyrics, I have no idea what they are anymore. SO- I just watch.

Background on my friend:  I actually don’t know much about him but I have seen him out throughout the years and from where I’m standing, he is a truly beautiful person.  When he smiles across a room, he has a spark that lights up the place.  You can tell he comes from a nice family and has charisma that many guys just don’t have in this day and age. 

That being said...I couldn't help but notice how he and his beautiful girlfriend interacted with each other.  It was clear to me that either they were fighting, or though they really “like” each other, that “love connection” wasn't quite there.  They sat a couple of feet apart from each other and spoke with the other people at the table.  He would lean in and kindly ask her if she needed anything if he was getting up from the table.  When they danced together, she would rest her head on his shoulder but he would look around and smile and interact with the people around him.  When she talked to him, she seemed to have a frown on her face that seemed to be scolding him every time she spoke.  Of course I could go on and on...BUT that’s really NOT my point here.  I’m quite certain that she is an amazing person.  I’m also reasonably sure that they both want this to be “it.”  Unfortunately, it is transparently obvious to someone who is watching from the outside, that “it” - it is NOT.  I found it interesting that every time someone went to take a picture of them, they cuddled up like the cutest couple I've ever seen.  She would smile from ear to ear and he would grit his teeth and “smile” too!  (I’m SO happy.  Boy I LOVE this girl!...oh God what am I ever going to do?...I wish I was with anyone else but her.)

The “picture” of happiness seemed to me to represent the reason they were together to begin with.  Everyone in the family went out of their way to comment on Facebook about “what a beautiful couple they are!”  On paper, this was a match made in heaven.  It reminded me of a few years back (before I got married of course ;)  I had been single for a long time and my family and friends got sort of sick of it.  Once all of your friends start getting married, the pressure starts taking its toll on you.  Everyone you run into on the street has to greet you with:

“SO?...”

...uh...I’d be like “um...So?  What?”

.... “Are you in love?”

um...Really?  This is all they could think of when they saw me?  I’m the single girl who needed to be in a relationship right then or else they thought something was wrong with me?  It was apparent that people started to think that the problem was me being “too choosy” or “looking for something that doesn't exist out there.”  This really bummed me out because I started to wonder if they were right.  What I knew to be the truth was that I was really hoping to meet someone who I was attracted to, who inspired me intellectually, and made me smile when I thought about how he touched my hand the first time we met (and didn't make me throw up a little when he called me too much).  BUT- the kind, ‘non-pressuring’ onlookers who were oh so helpful kept pairing me up with the “perfect” guy.  There was one guy who resurfaced over and over again.  He was exactly what I was looking for- catholic, Italian, businessman, nice looking, never married, wanted a family...He was apparently the ONLY one out there because more than one person fixed me up with him.  I tried SO hard to like him.  Everyone thought we looked great together.  In fact we may have been “picture perfect.”  The problem was that I had absolutely NO interest in him.  When we talked, I felt stifled.  When I looked at him, though he was admittedly really good looking, I was utterly unattracted to him. I actually wanted to put more clothes on when he kissed me!  I tried over and over again to like him.  It got to the point that I started to believe what everyone around me was saying. (By ‘everyone’, I mean friends and family who so kindly pointed out over and over again that “maybe you just don’t want to be happy and need help”)  Ouch!  Did I need therapy?  I wondered over and over again if they were right?  I had been single for a long time and had met some nice people and yet nothing really seemed to stick.

SO...What did I do?...Well...I tried to like that guy a few more times.  Still nothing.  So I went on about my business.  Did I need to see a therapist to “fix” what was wrong with me? HA!  Probably.  BUT not because I didn't want to marry the guy that everyone else thought was perfect for me.

If I was my friend, looking back, what would I do? Having been on both sides of this, I know how I feel about it. Of course when it comes to human relationships, there’s no easy way to fix it.  I started to think that it might just be easier to not get involved at all because for some reason my “breakups” never took.  I would say what I thought I needed to say to end it and yet the guys always showed back up as if I had dreamed the whole conversation.  This happened more than once.  I’m sure I just wasn't being clear though. The old “I’m sorry but this just isn't working but I think you’re really nice” was received as a “maybe I’ll like you tomorrow.  Just leave a bag of clothes here so you have something to wear next week when you come over.”  In the end, I started using something more direct like- “It’s not me.  It’s you.  I can’t stand you. “ ...so I digress...oh yeah...I was trying to come up with a solution for my friend ;)

First -He needs to really decide why he is with her? 

Is it because she’s beautiful and the families think they are “picture perfect” and ending it would affect everyone around him? Or when he met her, did his stomach flip when she giggled at him?  Did he used to look at her with that smile that I've noticed when he shoots a look across the room at other girls who may have shown him interest?  If so, why is it so much work all of a sudden?  Does he still get that feeling of not wanting to be anywhere else in the world when he is with her? (Did he ever?)

Next- If he answers those questions for himself and the truth is that “you can’t fake true love”, he needs to understand that he is NOT broken.  His family will understand if he simply tells them that he just didn't love her -no matter how hard he wanted to and couldn't waste her time because she deserved to be with someone who did.  They can grumble about it among themselves later. When he does meet “the one”, they will get over it because he will be noticeably happier himself.

What was my ending?  I waited it out.  I did meet my catholic, Italian, businessman who would become my best friend.  Yes.  I needed to adjust my views a little in order to balance out what was “right” for me with what my definition of “attraction” was.  But that’s a story for another day...

Moral:  “Picture Perfect” is really only good for the photo album.  Living a lifetime sharing your innermost thoughts with a book that might one day get washed away in a flood in your basement makes for a very unfulfilled heart.  Live the life that’s picture worthy and be sure to take the time to notice what that photo looks like that is snapped when you aren't aware the camera is there.  That’ll take your breath away!

The Fly on the Wall…

It’s interesting to me that so many people have complete communication breakdowns within their relationships. I say this because I received correspondence from a guy who talked on and on and on about how his girlfriend of many years “wanted a ring but he needed a prenup and didn’t know how to tell her without her getting really upset.” It seemed like after many years together, asking for a prenup, even though people don’t want to enter a marriage thinking that it might not succeed, was really no big deal. It seemed to be his biggest worry though. I tried to help him through a good solution but he seemed to be defending his relationship at every turn. I didn’t think much about it since it didn’t seem as though he really wanted my help other than to tell me “how great his relationship was and how jealous he isn’t”. Okay…nothing more I could do. I didn’t have enough information to go on and it wasn’t really my business anyway (like I ever care what’s my business and what isn’t…hee…hee…) Or was it?...Days later, I was strangely put right in the middle of the relationship as a “fly on the wall” when his girlfriend told me her side of the story. Apparently she doesn’t even like him at all and would “never marry him and the relationship has lasted much longer than it should have.”…uh oh…It appeared that I was the only person with all of the information now. Someone was using this “prenup” issue as an excuse. I wasn’t sure if he knew that the relationship was over and his desperation to keep someone he “wasn’t jealous of” every time he turned around made him come up with excuses for why it wasn’t working, or if he really thought it was working but she had somehow made him feel like the only problem was that he wasn’t proposing in hopes that he wouldn’t propose and she could keep it all in its place. Wwwhhheeeww….! What a mess! I was pretty sure that it was a little of both but clearly the two of them weren’t communicating with each other on the topic. It seemed like the relationship, as it stood currently, was a huge energy sucking waste of time for both of them. Of course it wasn’t the first I had seen this. I have seen many people stand frozen in time while their relationships stole years from them. The problem with this was the blame of each other when they would finally take action and pull it apart. This one wasn’t going to end pretty. I was quite sure that one of them was going to cheat on the other and use an excuse that it was the other’s fault for reasons that likely weren’t anywhere near the actual reason- they didn’t like each other. The jealousy, the marriage, the prenup, the kids,…they were all just “stuff” that protected each of them from the real truth that apparently seemed more hurtful than slinging excuses at each other.

The point is that if people had a fly on the wall of their relationships that they could play back in order to get the whole story, it would be much easier to know where they really stand. Now, I’m not suggesting that we bug each other’s conversations with friends…though it’s actually not a bad idea if we are planning on not having a real conversation with each other…BUT as a rule, people in unhealthy relationships get caught up in the drama of not knowing what’s going to happen. Again, it’s none of my business but I know what’s going to happen. That guy is going to end up in years of therapy talking about how the love of his life got away because he was afraid to ask her for a prenup “when all she wanted was to marry him.” His therapist will ask him why he thinks that he pushes women away from him and leave him single and dwelling on the fact that he has a fear of commitment while he weeps around town for 10 years (because that will be the only information he will have for the therapist). As for the girl- she will be dating someone else in 2 months and not even remember his name.

So how can we protect ourselves from staying involved in something that will pass our lives away? It’s actually not easy but we can do our best to recognize the warning signs of the reality that our relationship is the wrong relationship for us.

1. If your partner is out all the time flirting with other people and you are pretending that it doesn’t make you jealous, it’s probably not the right relationship for you…
2. If every time you talk in public, your partner is questioning why you talked about what you talked about, it’s probably not the right relationship for you….
3. If your partner is throwing out ridiculous requests that you can only fail at:

•  “I want a ring but I won’t sign a prenup…”
•  “Rotate the silverware so it’s used evenly…”
•  “I want to go out of town but only when you’re working, not on your days off…”
•  “I want a child but you have had a hysterectomy…”
•  “My parents won’t accept you because you’re not the right religion…”
•  “My children don’t like you and they come first…”
•  “I don’t like the color of your hair, how you talk, your body type, and I don’t want to be seen in public with you…”

Bottom line- it’s not happening! It’s probably NOT the right relationship for you… You don’t need a fly on the wall to tell you that it’s time to move on.  You will only have yourself to blame when years pass you by if you don’t heed the warning signs and move on yourself. Waiting for the other person to take action will leave you screwed up thinking it’s over for all the wrong reasons because most people don’t have the courage to tell you the simple truth- It’s not me, it’s you…AND we all know it’s THEM!...

Life Finds You!

Sometimes we are searching so hard to find out what we should be doing, that we lose sight of the fact that what we are already doing may be what we were meant to be doing all along?…It’s really a big mess if you ask me. How are we supposed to know if we’re doing it right? I mean…life is a set of obstacles set in front of us and we are supposed to figure out ways to climb over them. Of course that sounds sort of glass half empty I guess, but it is an accurate assessment to some extent. I love my life. I really enjoy doing everything I do. The only struggle I have is that I enjoy the journey but sometimes focus so intently on the “goal” that I forget to take it slowly. I’m always racing towards the top of the mountain and then when I get there, I think, “hmm…What now?” …I have no idea. What I wanted to do was what I was already doing- thinking about what I wanted to do one day.

I was reading a book the other day that said, “do what you're doing now, but do it better!” It made perfect sense and as I started to notice the things around me, I recognized how much time is wasted striving for what we don’t have yet. One time I sat with a teenager who could only talk about how great it would be once he grew up and how little he cared about what happened now. The interesting thing was that he was never going to get to the point he wanted to be at until he finished what he needed to do in this moment. If he hadn’t turned his life around and gotten his act together, he would’ve simply gotten older with the same level of unpreparedness in future moments! I am happy to say that he learned that lesson. Now when I see him around, he is the best he can be at this moment! I know now that he’ll be ready to be his best in the future too.

The point is that once you do what you are doing at the highest level of your ability, the door will open to you. I’m going to try to take careful notice of how I live in each moment. I know that I will likely find myself racing through from time to time, but hopefully I will remember to slow it down and recognize the beauty of what is now.

AH! What a MESS!

I spilled an entire gallon of water into my refrigerator today. My initial response was to grab it and save it as it poured, in slow motion, from the top shelf down the back to soak each shelf beneath it and then rest in the bottom of the drawers on the bottom. I didn’t stop it though. I thought, “Oh good! Now my refrigerator is going to be clean!” My fridge is sort of old and worn out and though I’m a little obsessive with keeping things in order, I tend to laugh at the things lying around this place that I would refer to as “old crap”. This fridge certainly falls under the “old crap” category. The power went out the other day and apparently it was not a complete outage but a reduction in voltage. I peered into the fridge to look for something to remind me not to think about…well…anything…and I noticed that it looked much better in a low light setting. I’m actually thinking of putting some sort of a 3 way bulb in there so I don’t have to burn my eyes out during those late night hunts for food anymore. So it got me to thinking…(of course it did!) I realized that on many occasions, making a big mess helps us to take action. I could’ve gone another year or so without cleaning that fridge but now it is crystal clean and sparklingly beautiful!

Have you ever met anyone who hung on to an old relationship because breaking it off would be too painful? I have! In fact, I’ve even watched people hang on and on and on all the while knowing it wasn’t working but not wanting to take any action for fear of the pain. Next thing they know they wake up one day and have been cheated on and left anyway. This actually happens more often than I can even comment on. All I can think when this happens is “wait a minute! You can’t cheat on me! I didn’t like you first!”…BUT NO. You wake up one day and all of your food is rotten and your milk is spoiled because that refrigerator that you didn’t want to hurt by replacing it for a more efficient version of itself that could make you happy with its stainless steel exterior and cooler interior, has somehow decided to stop even trying to cool your food as it had originally promised because it just didn’t feel like working anymore.

The point is that a lot of time and pain can be spared when we stop putting Band-Aids and excuses on a household appliance in order to drag out its stay in our lives beyond its usefulness. Do we really need a gallon of water spilled on our heads to help us realize that even though it may be hard to lift in order to make room for a new one, 10 years down the road it’s going to feel even heavier and when we pull out our backs lifting it, we aren’t exactly going to feel quite as resilient as we do today. I think that if we were smart and we knew a mess was impending, we would do ourselves a huge favor to just blow that fridge up and start again.

My Goodness! You sure look like crap!

I ran into a girl I have been acquainted with over the last few years. She is about 25 years old now and every time I see her, she complains about another thing in her life that sucks! Well…when I saw her today, she truly looked like she has been completely run into the ground. I’m not saying this to be critical. I’m noticing that this poor girl, who was young and beautiful, has somehow driven her emotional unrest to reflect in her outward appearance now too. It is truly amazing how happiness from within pours out through the way we carry ourselves in everyday life. I know that she could look beautiful again. Of course! She is young. The trouble is, when will she realize that she isn’t doing herself any good to dwell on the negative aspects of her life? Like attracts like and her negativity is bringing more and more of it on herself. I hope she can get it together in time to find true happiness before she wastes any more valuable time.

Sometimes I wake up a little sluggish, but when I do, I try my hardest to turn it around quickly. Don’t get me wrong…some days I never get out of my workout clothes! I suppose that I can waste time with the best of them. It’s all right though. I can afford one day of laziness…and by laziness I mean listening to music and working out all day. Let’s not get crazy here…I don’t think I’ve ever just sat down and thrown away a day on Jerry Springer, but I have been known to eat a little too much cheese in between my workouts! I suppose the moral of this story is that we really need to make an effort to be grateful for what we have and take full advantage of the time that has been given to us! Why waste our lives reflecting unrest and discontent? If everyone in the world walked around that way, we’d be a really ugly world!…We already have supersized beef patties to make us fat!… Can we really afford to supersize our trivial troubles too?

Imagine Something Better!

Sometimes I wonder if we spend so much time protecting ourselves from repeating the past, that we are virtually unable to feel safe enough to feel anything in the present. Everyone has something in their past that has left some sort of residual side effect that influences how we treat others. I’m not much for digging up the past in order to release those issues to become free of them. This is a huge time commitment and we already know that we can’t afford to waste that much of our valuable time being angry, bitter, cycle through the silent treatment, not talking to our mothers, wanting approval from our sisters, learning how to eat 1500 calories a day from the pyramid, fighting with our mothers, realizing our sisters wanted approval from us, learning how to eat 1500 calories a day, not talking to our sisters, wondering what was wrong with you that you would even think of giving a jerk of a man any of your attention to begin with, questioning what happened to the cat when your parents took it to the farm…? There! …I took care of it all for you so you don’t have to bother! (and don’t think that I’ve even been to a therapist. Well…actually I did go once cause I thought I had a problem with food. She said that I didn’t have one and I should cut salt and exercise more! – Excellent! Problem solved!)…I know that every psychotherapist in the world is getting out their textbooks to prove me wrong on this so no need to email the data to me. I know how it works! I do agree that we definitely need to recognize our past experiences that may cause our initial response to people who come into our path. The trouble is that once we come up with these answers, going back and telling all of those people who have “done us wrong” that they did, and asking them to change the way they treat us now, is virtually impossible. Our past experiences have varying degrees of traumatic affects. For example, I could be completely screwed up now due to the fact that my family was so amazing and provided such a fairy-tale, happy view of the world that I’m actually shocked every single time someone demonstrates to me that all people aren’t good. As a matter of fact, I still think that there is good in everyone. That…or I could use the one about my ex being one of those people who likely isn’t a good person at his core and then protect myself from more people like him. The funny thing is that the “Pollyanna” view I was raised with, still makes me think that he isn’t a completely evil man. Don’t get me wrong…I did stub my toe this morning and I’m pretty sure it’s his freakin’ fault! (but it’s only 6 years later so it’s still a little fresh!)

I guess what I’m saying is that all the time we spend superimposing our past experiences onto the new people who come into our lives, might be spent more wisely getting to know him by his own merits and not being afraid that he may let us down in the future. Let’s not get crazy here- he will likely screw you over! But wouldn’t it be nice to say, “I can’t believe I met another one of these idiots! What are the odds?”…and then walk away with your head held high knowing that you put yourself out there!

Okay…so I got a little edgy there for a second. I’m still working on this one myself! What we need to do when we meet a new person is try our hardest to allow him to show us who he is and not bring our past to the table. I’m not saying that if he has a tattoo on his arm with a list of women he’s killed with extra lines to add more names in the future, you should dismiss this gut feeling as you being overcautious and “afraid to put yourself out there!” You should likely walk away from that one…actually… don’t make any sudden moves. Possibly you should just make a phone call from your cell phone in your purse and leave it on throughout the night in order to have the proper evidence later if necessary. On the other hand, there are nice guys left out there. Instead of sitting at a banquet sized table with him and the hundreds of memories that could fill that table twice over, imagine something better than what you’ve come to expect. When the hostess comes to seat you, simply smile and say, “Yes! A table for two please!”

Wipe off and start fresh!

I tend to enjoy waking up, applying some lip gloss and acting like I’m ready for the day! It seems to be the perfect thing to distract the eye from any imperfections I may have from sleeping with my hand pressed against my face! My pretty pink gloss is shiny and lustrous! Granted, the wind blows and I have hair stuck to my teeth, but overall, it’s usually a good topping for a fresh girl look! Well!…I was very disappointed in my lip gloss last night. I had been wearing it all day and was actually quite proud of myself for not licking it off. I reapplied after work and went to sing at a party. I was driving to the party and noticed that my lips were sticking together! That’s not good. I can’t breathe through my nose. I checked it in the mirror and it was all chunky and gross. Darn! I was all out of sorts. When I got to the party, I searched my trunk for something to wipe it on that wouldn't stick to it and have to be worn as a mouth accessory all night! I found a washcloth and got rid of all but a little glitter and used a new layer of a different textured gloss. My frown turned upside down and I felt like a new girl! Ah! That’s better.

I walked into the party, and within 30 minutes, a guy came up to me and said, “My wife divorced me and I had to move out of the house at 11:59 pm last night.”…I thought, “Wow! If he was 20 years younger, 6 months out of that relationship, Italian, and I wasn't already married, I’d snap him right up!”…and… “that reminds me of my lip gloss”! (Danger! Danger! Attention Deficit Hallucination coming!) The problem with people sometimes is that they have such a need to fill a void with an instant replacement, that they keep layering relationship after relationship without wiping off the old ones. It really just makes for a film of life distracting, sticky chunks on them. Personally, I never got involved. I can’t tell you how many guys asked me out right after they had broken up with someone who I had asked to take some time to get over their previous relationship and then give me a call…I could count on 1 hand how many of them called – 0. They all went on to the next girl and married her…oh yeah…and then divorced her…apparently those relationships didn't work out for some reason. Uh…do you think? How can you possibly be the person you are going to be in the future if you are still wearing a layer of your past? I was always afraid that I would meet someone on the rebound…That was actually hilarious! Everyone would say, “On the rebound from who? It’s been 8 years!”…I'd reply with a smile, “No. Not him! The one before him!”…I liked the original one better! The one you remember was just a sticky chunk of rebound lip-gloss. The one before him was actually a pretty good match for me…other than the depressive tendencies. He’s still a sight for sore eyes though (when I run into him every 10 years or so). Oh well…wipe them off! You can’t re-date the dated and you can’t reapply the dazzleglass. You may as well take a shower and start fresh in the morning!…I looked up from my thoughts and the guy was still standing there staring at me… “Oh. I’m sorry. Were you talking?”