Suction Cups suck

Who invented suction cups? They seem like such a great idea…but…when the temperature rises or lowers by 10 degrees, you get everything that’s suction cupped to your window, in your lap. This can be a huge distraction. There I was, driving down the highway, as my GPS leaped from my window onto the floor on the passenger side, hitting the hazard light button and bouncing off the gear shift on its way. Whoa!…I thought, “This is freakin’ Joel’s fault!” …I actually think that this is hilarious. He’s pretty much the person I blame for everything. I don’t really believe it (completely), as it has been 7 years since we broke up…but he really did act sort of like a suction cup! He stuck to me while the temperature was right for him (falling off a few times a week of course! I’d just pick him up and stick him back on!) By the time he crashed to the floor the last time, shifting my transmission into neutral, he had already stuck himself to someone else’s window. Clearly the world is really just full of suction cups that can only be counted on if all factors are perfectly aligned! I have to say that I’m pretty sick of suction cups! I’m going to invent some sort of window attachment device that is less susceptible to climate change. How about superglue? At least that way when I was done with whatever I had mounted to it, I could just take it to the dump so no one else gets to drive around town with it.

I Guess This Says it All!

I find this to be absolutely hilarious!  Not because it is indeed superficially hilarious, but because it is also startlingly true to form when it comes to assessing the importance of intellectual ability placed on the beautiful people.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not dissing good looking people.  I have been considered to be good looking but it always threw me off since I spent most of my life just being the "funny, flute toting,computer geek!"...actually I'm not sure who called me that last part other then me right now, but you get the picture. The strangest thing is that most of the guys I have spent any time with sort of just wished that I would shut up (and fix their computer after they left the room).  Looking back, they may have been right.  Having a conversation with them over the noisy banter in their heads about whether or not "she will do me" may have been a waste of my voice.  I will say that there is something glaringly wrong with this video though:  What girl that looks like her ever orders fries?  I thought we had an unspoken agreement with the universe that we have to pretend in public that we can't eat anything other than berrys and lettuce?...Oh well...That's it...I am inspired now!  I'm going to stop eating my fries in bed!

I just saw an interview on FOX news (no dissing-  I like FOX news!  It's sort of my favorite!  I like it because it insights so many people into an incoherent rage that they can't communicate in complete sentences...I think that's funny!)  Anyway...let's talk about the interview with the new Miss Universe.  Yes!  She was definitely beautiful....Yes!  She was definitely beautiful...Yes!  She was definitely beautiful!...She said, "um...I think it was a destiny thing.  There were 83 beautiful woman and only one would win."

...Yes!  She was definitely beautiful! 

Apparently the clincher that won her the title in the pagent was her answer to her question about how she felt about the internet: "It is a door, uh, and I think, uh, we should teach children values, uh, cause it's good and we should use it."... Is it a tiny bit spiteful that I sort of envisioned myself holding her head under a sink and spelling the sign language letters into her hand "www-aaa-tttt-eee-rrr", but then I took a step into reality and realized that I could never do that.  It would've messed up her hair!

Now, I'm sure I'm going to get all sorts of angry responses to this.  I apologize up front because I am mostly just joking.  I'm sure Miss Universe is smart and she's just playing into the act that we all sometimes have to in order to gain respect from the opposite sex.  Too much strength and confidence is often a turn off to the wrong person!  The catch is knowing when someone is attracted to your strength and confidence because he/she wants to break it down as a self-fulfilling project! The moral of this story is...wait...I don't know what the moral is...the moral is...um...always do your hair before leaving the house?...

or...you could just be yourself and not worry what people might "want" in a partner...Most likely, someone wants exactly what you already are.  Never be afraid to be that person!  Besides...playing dumb the rest of your life might actually make your brain freeze that way!

Getting “Off Track!”

I have been running into people lately who have insisted that they keep meeting all the “wrong type” of people and are thinking of giving up on being with someone all together! Believe me when I say that I hear them on this. The interesting thing is that I have sort of figured this problem out! (Now let’s get this straight here…I figured it out- I didn’t say that I can fix it!) I have found that simply making the statement “I meet all of the wrong people” brings more of whatever your definition of “the wrong people” is. We can really get into a rut that seems to leave us stuck wondering if things will ever change. The problem is that the more time and energy we allow our minds to give this problem, the bigger the problem it becomes!

Here’s an example: I thought I had it all together in my 20’s when I met a guy who seemed to be who I was “meant to have met” and spend my life with. Wow! How confident I was that I had it all!

Scene fades in…Calia is sitting at her ping pong table (yeah…well I was in my 20’s and in college…who needs more than a ping pong table as her dining room table?)

Calia’s inner voice: Wow! I’m so lucky! I have met this great guy and I am ready to have it all- good times, vacations together, I’ll probably get married, I’m going to get my first job in my new exciting career, I’ll have a house and children and live happily ever after! Everybody wants to be me!

(cue the doom music that Calia can’t hear lurking in the background…)

Calia’s friends: Wow! We want to be you!
Calia: I bet you do!

(fast forward a few months…cue the thunder and clouds in the sky getting ready to open up a storm over Calia and the guy’s beautiful new house as the guy starts to suck the life and personality from Calia’s every living breath!)

Calia’s inner voice: Boy! I’m so excited! This is sure a beautiful day! I’m really on my way to having everything! Everybody wants to be me!
Calia’s friends: Have you heard from Calia lately? She is really in a bad situation. She’s not allowed to call us anymore. She has really changed!

(cue the roar of the monster hiding in the closet next to Calia’s beautiful dresses!)

Calia: Look at all of my beautiful dresses! Everybody wants to be me!

(fast forward a few months…cue Calia’s mother coming to the end of the driveway of Calia’s ex’s new house as she picks Calia up with only her beautiful dresses and the license plate from the car she has just signed over to the ex!)

Calia:…
Calia:…
Calia:…I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming…I don’t even want to be me!

Calia picks up her old car from a lot that she had left it on when she bought a new one the year before that would be acceptable to her new boyfriend. The crying Calia gets into the old car after the friendly guy at the lot pulls the license plate from her weak and shaking hands and puts it onto it. She pulls out of the lot and 100 feet from where it had sat for a year, the muffler drops off into the street…She opened the door, got out and started walking…She wasn’t sure exactly where she was going. Just walking I guess…Her new apartment with nothing in it but the dresses she took from the house she thought she had started her future in and the silverware her parents had put into the drawers in the kitchen didn’t seem to make her very happy. But then again, nothing really made her happy anymore. So she just kept walking…

The next chapter starts but unfortunately it is longer than Calia’s “plan” had originally intended. She wasn’t sure what was making her more unhappy: Losing him, or losing all that time and having to completely start over after believing that she had already started her life!...yeah…she decided that all she needed to do was meet someone else and quickly start again! She gave herself a specific time-frame- 5 minutes! That was all she had right?...She even set an alarm on her blackberry to go off 6 months later with the message “get a life!”…OMG!...that thing went off every 6 minutes for 4 weeks until she decided that hitting the snooze on this negative message was becoming counterproductive to actually “getting a life!” She’d go on dates with the “wrong guy” and the alarm would go off! He’d ask what it was. She’d politely tell him. “Yeah…it’s my biological clock!”…This was actually extremely hilarious to her in a sort of “poke your eyes out” kinda way…the guy never thought it was quite as funny for some reason though.

That chapter ended a few years later- way behind schedule, with absolutely no worth while content…other than some pretty funny dating stories. Dating when you’re not ready and constantly choosing to date people who your subconscious mind has picked out to prove to your conscious that life, indeed sucks, can throw you way off track but can make for some really great tales to commiserate about with other jaded, angry people who are paddling in circles in the same boat! Something happened as she came to that realization. She woke up one day and turned off that alarm. At first the silence was deafening…then it was a little scary…then it was soothing…

Ahh…

No more pressure to get “on track”. No more self-defeating dates with people who were more of the same. No more commiserating with people about how “there’s no one out there!” No more negative energy. No more need to have done things on the time frame that had already long passed. No more believing that since it didn’t happen the way she had planned it to happen, that it would never happen. The more she had tried to control it, the more energy she had put into believing that no good was ever going to come and that time was up. She took up a new phrase that she really started to enjoy. In fact, she used it nearly all the time. She found her old playful giggle as she started to free her self-imposed restrictions and negative believes with it.

“What are they going to do to me?”…

• What are they going to do to me if I love my life?
• What are they going to do to me if I meet the one a little later and the old “not the one” is one or two divorces ahead of me?
• What are they going to do to me if I have my children a little later because something magical saved me from false starting my life and living completely on the wrong track?
• What are they going to do to me if I drive 95 on the highway?...okay…um… ‘giggle’…so they actually can do something about that…oh well…you live, you learn…hee hee…

The point is simple: When you think you’re off track, it’s very easy to stay on that track for much longer than you need to. You don’t have to impose a specific age and set of circumstances that you must have to make you happy. You can make a list of the things that you would like to achieve. In fact, I would suggest it. It’s nice to be clear about what it is you are looking for. Just make sure those are the things you really want and you are putting yourself into situations that bring you closer to finding them. In the meantime, don’t sit around waiting for your life to start! Do everything in the world you’ve ever wanted to do and life will find you! That’s what I call getting yourself on the right track!

Note: I wrote this in response to an email that I got that I was unable to respond to because I didn’t know where to send it. I hope it helps to make things clear enough to recognize that you are exactly where you are meant to be right now, and changing a few simple things about the way you treat yourself will set your life in motion towards everything you’ve imagined for your future. Possibly this is more wordy than “entertaining” but I’m like that sometimes! Happy day! Calia

Weather haters!

I was in the grocery store the other day and the lady in front of me was complaining about the weather. She said, “Thank God this weather is going to break soon!...I felt the need to get into the conversation. I’m not sure what it is about me that allows me to get provoked to respond sometimes, BUT it happens from time to time. (I probably ate sugar or something. I do know that when I am free of sugar for 48 hours or so, someone could actually punch me in the face and I would say, “I’m sorry. Did I get in your way? Have a very happy day!” – This was not the case today.) I said, “What? It's summer!  This weather is perfect!" I was beginning to think that all that global warming was a pile of crap!  I hope it stays this hot until October!”…She took this statement as a personal attack as she loaded her bologna and diet soda into her cart and replied sternly, “Don’t wish that on me!”…I could’ve left it alone, but I didn’t. I said, “What’s the heat going to do to you?"…again, this was not what she wanted to hear and she stomped away as the cashier and I giggled together.

I am VERY aware that I like extremes. It’s like that in my life. Possibly it’s a manic state and my synapses are stuck on “high!” Who cares though? I have a feeling that this same lady is the type who will complain about the cold in the winter. As a matter of fact, I like to flit around the grocery store when it’s 100 degrees out, looking for people to engage me in a conversation about whether or not it’s “hot enough for ya?”…They are called seasons! Move if you don’t like them! The issue is that some people are NEVER happy! Of course I’m not quite sure that they want to be. It’s a lesson that I have long been learning. Sometimes I think I can “fix” the world. It’s a family trait though. When my sister left her husband many years ago, my mother said, “Go back and fix it!”…It sounded like good advice to me, but where that topic was concerned, my sister wasn’t interested in wearing our “Roze Colored Glasses!”

So what about the lady who lives on the east coast and doesn’t like seasons?…well…it likely isn’t my place to convince her to love everyday as it is given to her- hot, cold, or mild! She likes to complain so I should SHUT UP!…(ha…good luck with that!…I’m working on it though!…as long as someone doesn’t say something that reminds me of something that I could say back... But maybe that’s what makes me a good conversationalist.) I’m going to practice what to say to people so I don’t always feel the need to egg someone on who is asking for a confrontation from now on!

Lady in Store: I hope this weather is over soon!

Calia: Yeah. You can always wish you were dead so you wouldn’t have to deal with it!

(darn…that wasn’t good. It’s as if my writing has the same problem my mouth does. Even fictional lady in my little skit just provoked me! Let me try again!)

Lady in Store: Boy! I sure wish fall would come. I hate this weather!

Calia: What are you? About 60? I guess you should’ve considered that 30 years ago before you moved to NY State!

(crap…again?…)

Lady in Store: Ah! I can’t wait until this dreadful summer is done!

Calia: (stop…think…smile…wait…darn…I can’t type a response that isn’t in direct conflict to her statement. It’s like my “leave it alone” switch is broken…ah…okay…here goes!…) giggle…

That was the best I could do! Not to mention that the resistance I felt to it was incredible! Oh well…if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all!…but maybe she should consider not crapping all over my world with her unhappy existence!…I’m just saying…

Time to empty our closets!

Doesn’t it seem like everyone in the world has some sort of issue? I have to wonder if “dysfunction” is the norm. Nobody does anything in moderation. I know that I don’t! If I want to have a slice of pizza, I eat a whole pizza. If I write a song, I sit down until an entire album is done. If I find an outfit that looks nice, I buy it in 5 colors…This is one of my personality traits. Am I weird?…sure…but no weirder than the guy at the gym who likely passed over the point of getting his body in shape about 6 months ago and now can’t rest his arms at his sides. Did he just get obsessed or is his image of himself distorted? He looks like he is his own reflection in a funhouse mirror. The question is, what was his issue before? Was it the other extreme? Is it possible that some kid in high school made a comment to him about having small shoulders and now 15 years later, he still worries that his shoulders are small?…uh…they aren’t man!… The point is that we bounce from one extreme to another with little ability to stop when we hit the middle of the road.

I don’t think that everyone has this tendency but it is clear that “personality disorders” are the new “black.” Our subconscious mind is so powerful that we can stare in a mirror at ourselves and see the person we may have believed ourselves to be at one fleeting moment during our past when someone else’s insecurities forced them to redirect their self destructive thoughts towards us. Great! Thank you! What is wrong with just being confident with the person we’ve become?…well…nothing…as long as we can see clearly who that person actually is.

I noticed an older couple at the gym last night with a similar issue. They weren’t obsessive though (that I know of). They are stuck in that fleeting moment when someone told them that they looked “great!”…their “glory days” if you will. They definitely had strong healthy bodies and had worked hard for them, but they were both wearing outfits stolen out of the 1983 movie, “Flashdance.”…My only question about this is, how does this stuff not fall apart in the dryer? I have a fleece that I’ve washed once and now I’m wondering where I can get a new one. Were clothes in the 80’s made with some sort of indestructible fabric?…and too bad if so because whether it still fits you or not, there should be a general rule on how long to keep things in your closet. I have a way to make this work for me. If I’m wearing an outfit that I think I may have had for too long, I ask the person next to me how long they have been married. If I’ve owned the outfit longer than their marriage lasted, I take it to the Salvation Army. One time, I had to get rid of an outfit I had only for 6 months…apparently the guy’s wife started getting really emotional when she was 3 months pregnant and he didn’t want the child to grow up in an unhappy household. Until then, she was his best friend but “she just changed!”…Yeah…just throw it away…I’m sure there’s someone better out there that won’t change!…Whoa…so we can easily toss away our relationships but won’t empty our closets?…I think I’m going to try to empty my emotional closet. Things can be done in moderation with little or no consequence. But if you eat an entire block of cheese every single night, your pants from the 80’s that you’re still hoping to get back into, will stay there forever!

Women are from venus…Men are hiding their heads under a blanket in my living room?

I’ve known for many years that women and men think and communicate differently. For example, over the last few years, it seems that men are more comfortable with communication via text messaging than actually talking or getting together. It must be due to the need for some attention but the additional need to control the amount of attention given back. How many times have I been in the middle of a “conversation” text message and then all of a sudden there was just no response? The conversation never ended. There was no “okay, catch ya later.” – Nothing. Just cut! Apparently this is the male version of one of my favorites – “blah blah blah! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! Wah bladaladalada!”…usually when I uncover my eyes, the guy who started the conversation that I was uncomfortable with, is gone.

I met a guy one time that had his own version of this. He was older than I was but he insisted he was 8 years younger…that should’ve been my first clue that something wasn’t quite right! One day we were talking in my living room and then all of a sudden, as I sat on the floor, he was lying on the couch with the blanket tight over his face… Um…huh?... I tried to move the blanket away from his face so I could find out what was wrong. I couldn’t recall what could’ve gone wrong in the conversation. He grunted and said in a muffled, blanket covered voice, “just go!” uh…confused again! It was my house! After struggling with the blanket for 5 minutes or so and getting nowhere with this 6 foot 5, 38 year old man, I walked into the kitchen. As I walked back into the living room, his BMW was pealing out of my driveway. Of course I did what any girl would do: I made myself a pizza. I played with whether or not to go find him over a slice, or 3… I mean…that seemed like an irrational action on his part. I’ve had guys flip me off cause I wasn’t singing Mony, Mony in a small town bar, guys invite me places and just not show, I even had a guy kick a footprint into the side of my little red sports car when I was 22. I was totally unaccustomed to the “hiding his head under a blanket” tactic. Eventually I went looking for him. We had been hanging out for nearly 2 weeks so I was beyond the 1 week rule where you can simply let someone speed out of your driveway without having to wonder why. I caught up with him later and he told me that I needed to read some book about that blanket being his cave. I didn’t read the book though I’m quite certain that there is no book that tells grown men to hide under a blanket and run from a 5’3” blonde girl. I suppose I don’t really care. He disappeared completely a couple weeks later. – and I’m not talking about him just not coming around- DISAPPEARED! Quit his job, moved out of the area…gone! …I think he left a pair of scrubs at my house. Does that mean that we’re together?

Oh! That explains it- we’re all getting bad advice!

I was looking online at what the dating rules are to see if I am following them at all. And by the way... I’m totally not! I am going to give a few of them a shot though. My friend Robin talked about “the Rules” book and noted different areas that she does or doesn’t follow them in her blog. I actually think she does a little better than I do. I definitely call too much and do feel the need to explain up front why I’m still single. It’s only because I have actually been asked, “why are you still single”, as though I’m broken or something and then I feel the need to explain myself. Ok! So I was in a relationship too long and ended up in a weird demographic. If I followed the rules, that guy would be wondering on the first date if I had a house full of cats! - NO CATS!

I also have an issue with not calling. I can’t stand that one. I feel like I’m being rude if I don’t thank a guy for a nice time in a text or something when I get home that night or the next day. A big no-no apparently! Oops…As a matter of fact, when a guy waits 3 days to call me, I’ve completely readjusted any excitement I had felt about him to the realization that he just wasn’t interested and by the time he calls, I don’t even feel like talking. I’ve moved on. (I suppose that is either a protective mechanism or the fact that I move at the speed of light and get bored and go on to my next goal- either way- 3 days is a long time in my world!) Oh well!

So that brings me to this site I came across. I may have just uncovered the problem. Men are being told to play a completely different game than women are. It’s no wonder that there are any couples at all. “Just be yourself”… but be a completely different person and you’ll get her? Uh…huh? It’s a huge game. Some guys like rules girls while other guys get mad and think girls are playing games. I suppose that dating is sort of a game but it is getting ridiculous. A little bit of a chase is a good idea while you’re getting to know someone, but come on! Do we really need all these books of rules? I haven’t even read the manual on my toaster! Shouldn’t I just be able to stick a piece of bread in and make toast without being told that shoving a metal object into a conductive electrical device might be hazardous? Thank God for the warning on my hair dryer or else I would be showering and drying my hair at the same time! Feeww!

Here are a few of the statements offered as advice to men that may be single handedly taking down the dating community:


Be willing to let her moan and groan and not give in because the nice guy isn’t respected.

This is absolutely crazy. I think that in this regard, if a woman is moaning and groaning about something, you really aren’t going to get very far with her in a relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever “moaned and groaned” about anything that I wasn’t able to take care of for myself. The person who wrote this was trying to help a nice guy compete with that ‘jerk’ with confidence that many of us try to ‘fix’ because we know we are “different and he’ll come around”. Well…that being said, we can’t fix him and he will likely still be a jerk, but we will eventually figure it out. There’s really nothing a nice guy can do to pretend he’s a jerk so we’ll like him! It’s just bad advice. We are the ones who are wrong here…but that isn’t really going to change much. Sometimes a nice guy is just not strong enough or does not demonstrate a sense of security that peaks our interest! Hopefully at the right place and the right time, we will choose a nice guy who has a little something of his own that attracts us to his inner character and we’ll be with him forever while the ‘jerk’ can continue to play out all of these rules.


You must have the attitude which shows that you are not there to impress her rather she is the one who is lucky to sit next to you.

Oh my! This one actually made me cringe. Why would I spend even a few minutes with someone who thought that he was doing me a favor by going somewhere with me? If he has a line of women, he should go to the next one and leave me out of the game if this is how he feels!



Do you know that women do not always mean what they say? They might say something and mean the exact opposite.

Another gem of advice! It has been my experience that women are much better communicators than men sometimes. If someone has told men that I mean the exact opposite of what I say, it truly explains why I am constantly trying to figure out how they could’ve possibly misinterpreted my exacting nature when it comes to open communication. I just thought they weren’t listening! Now I suppose it’s that they are listening and using a secret decoder ring to figure out what the opposite of what I said was! …On a positive side… this means that they are at least smarter than I had originally noted- not any better off with me, but smarter!


When it comes to impressing women, your looks do not matter. That gorgeous girl in the corner does not care a full blow beer belly, a bald head, or if you work as a mechanic at your brother's garage. None of these things matter.

Sorry about this one. That girl does care if you have a beer belly and are a mechanic in your brother’s garage. Every girl that I talk to seems to be hoping to meet an educated, driven man and is constantly saying that “there are no single guys out there.” There are single guys out there…and many of those guys are single for a reason. The thing is that while confidence counts and impresses women, how could a guy have any confidence if he has a beer belly and works in his brother’s garage? This goes for people in general. We need to make sure that the person we make ourselves into is the type of person we’d be proud to be. When we are working towards, or have achieved many of our goals in life, we are one step closer to wearing the confidence it takes to attract great people into our lives!


Good luck ladies!