Monday, May 17, 2010

What the heck happened to Steve?

There used to be a guy would comment on these blogs. Well…Something happened to all of the comments on the entire site and everything was deleted…then I never heard from Steve again. Unfortunately, it was right after his final comment about nice guys finishing last and pretty much giving up on the whole thing…uh…Steve?…Did you jump ship? Well I hope you didn’t give up and leave the country (like I have often considered myself!) I just thought, “hmm…I hope my blog didn’t send him into a downward spiral of cheese sticks and vodka.” (Again…the cheese sticks are sort of my thing…but oh well…MY blog!)

I’m sure that he has long since dated someone new, or at the very least met a line of girls who are just about the same or worse than the one he was speaking about a few months back. You know…so many of us write dating off completely but eventually we all get back on the horse. I suppose the trouble is that once we’ve established our personal likes and dislikes, we do tend to be standing in line at the gate of all the wrong horses to get back on.

I thought this over extensively. (What do I have to do?…I was driving down the highway and ran out of things to dwell on…so off my mind went…right into the cesspool of psychological disharmony!) How young would we have to be to not have established some sort of dynamic with the human race yet? Givers need takers so they seek out takers who take too much. If another giver comes along, our minds immediately think that there must be something wrong with them. (This is not a great testimony to our own giving nature really…though it does clear up some of our growing misconceptions that have festered upon watching people choose mates “who aren’t as nice as us” because “nice guys/girls finish last.” I once spent some time picking up after a guy, making his meals, shoveling his driveway, getting the groceries, wiring the house for sound and internet…then he decided that I was “too nice” and ended up with someone who would tell him to “get your own damn dinner! What is wrong with you? You don’t have feet?”) Strangely enough, it makes a little sense. People want to work for the things that matter to them or else it quickly becomes less interesting.

That being said though, If we have spent our lives working overtime to prove ourselves to the people around us, when we meet someone who isn’t asking us to prove anything it can be very easy to not recognize that person as a possibility and dismiss him/her. Is it because our definition of love is skewed by past experience of what it may have been? Whether it’s childhood dynamics or early dating experiences, we may have the tendency to be drawn towards people who treat us badly because it is what is familiar to us. We all have people in our lives that have screwed us over. If we were to really think about it, are “all” the people we’ve met since, exactly the same as those people? We might feel like they are. But is it really “all” or is it just the ones we’ve counted in as having potential? I have to say that I have passed many “nice guys” up because of lack of chemistry over the years. I don’t remember their names though. I’m certain they were dismissed very early on. The ones I tried for were the ones whose names I remember. They were narcissistic, condescending jerks…. I LOVE THEM! Why?…well…because I love a project. Will they ever make good life partners?...I am certain they will not. Can I spot one 50 ft across a room? Definitely! Do I identify him as someone I don’t want or as someone I want a chance to meet and show him that I am worth his time?…uh...well…baby steps!... No... I don’t want him. He’ll never be what I want for my future but he is the definition of what hasn’t worked for me in the past!

Great! Now we know it’s us!…Good to know…but how can we change what our lifetime of experiences has convinced us is what chemistry is?…don’t know…but I am making a set of questions to answer when someone comes into our lives:

Why am I attracted to this person?…If it is because that person reminds us of someone in our past, consider what those common traits are. If one of those traits is that that person doesn’t care whether you live or die, dismiss!

Is this person too nice?…If your answer is yes because he/she didn’t playfully tell you that you were fat as you ordered dinner, take a second look at this person. You may want to eat again one day!

Is this person exactly what you’ve always said you were looking for when people asked why you were single?…If so, send him/her away just so you can prove to everyone around you that you were right that he/she didn’t exist and wallow in self pity! It’s a lot of fun!...hee hee...

I contend that just being aware of what we are looking for and why, will go a long way towards choosing someone who will compliment what we have to offer instead of setting ourselves up to fail over and over again….Steve…I hope you met someone who appreciates a nice guy and not more of the same! Happy day!