Saturday, September 26, 2009

Ladies Night!

I will never understand how the concept of ladies night works…actually…wait! I take that back. I understand exactly how ladies night works. Women come in with the intention of getting drunk enough to have an excuse to behave badly, and men come in to take advantage of the women who are behaving badly. Okay! Got it. So…why is that exactly? hmm...I was right before- I don’t get it!... I was singing while the older ladies danced in front of my singer as they pointed to him repeatedly. Uh…maybe this is where I’ve been going wrong. I never get anywhere with the social scene in this scenario. Possibly it’s because I’m leaving out the “point” to let a guy know that my drunken self has chosen him? I went to the ladies room and two of the ladies were there. I tried to say hello and make small talk. They couldn’t speak very well. One looked over after ignoring me and said slowly, “I forgot to put mascara on.”…I looked at her and thought, as I saw her eyes rolling back in her head as she held herself up on the sink, “What you forgot was to not drink your face off. Your mascara is the least of your trouble.”… I smiled instead of vocalizing (good girl!...thanks!…I’ve been practicing!) I washed my hands as she reached into the purse next to her and pulled out the biggest pallet of eye color I’ve ever seen (other than at a makeup party…but I usually get thrown out of those for some reason…likely a story for another time!) How big was this purse? It reminded me of the scene in Mary Poppins when she pulled the coat rack out of her purse. My purses are much smaller, but I guess that’s because I don’t need room for a makeup counter and a bottle of vodka. I usually only carry a wallet and some lip-gloss. I figure there’s nothing you can’t fix with a little lip-gloss! She proceeded to paint her face like a clown. Again…I just smiled (though I’m certain that if she could’ve seen through the squints in her overly colorful eyes, she would’ve been able to read the “I’m glad I’m not you” feeling that I was likely projecting through my friendly expression!) She looked down as I started to leave and said, “Oh my God! Look at that horrible white stuff all over your feet!”…um…huh?…I looked. Darn! I fell into the drunk girl’s fantasy! She immediately said, in a sexy tone out of the corner of her drooling mouth, “Made ya look. What a crook!”…That’s right! Now we were 8 years old! Excellent! I giggled as if to say, “Oh boy! You got me! You’re so clever! (Hee hee!), then walked out the door hoping that the night would be over soon!

As the evening drew to it’s end, the two ladies from the bathroom kept targeting my 25 year old singer!…oh…there’s that finger “point” again! Classy! He turned to me and said, “Help me! They have offered to take me back to their place tonight- twice!” No boy! Just tell them that you can’t…cause it’s a school night!…that should work! I’m sure their children are around your age!