You know that I always believed in the law of attraction. You know?...if you believe in it and think it, it will eventually become your life. In fact, it was this same rule that likely spun the thread of my life for the many years that I was single. My mantra of not finding the right guy over and over again that was laced with cynical humor did a nice job of keeping me very comfortable as a “single girl.” I definitely needed to find a way to transition myself from that girl who attracted all the wrong guys, to the girl with very little left to complain about. In fact, looking back, my act was so well polished that I brought all the wrong guys to me. Don’t get me wrong…there was something very appealing about them. Perhaps I was trying to date people like my previous boyfriend over and over again in hopes that it wouldn’t end in such disaster? Possibly my subconscious believed that if I could make it work, it would mean that I wasn’t such a loser for not being able to make that relationship work. …uh…nope…that tested and tried “type” didn’t like me before… wasn’t good for me… and I had no business abusing myself by trying with “him” ever again. So I switched gears once I became clear enough to allow someone wonderful in.
Smooth sailing from that moment on right?...well…not completely. I had worked myself up into loving that feeling of “someday” so much, that all of a sudden (and I mean after nearly 8 years of being single) having a happy relationship felt like I had become a fish out of water. It’s not always easy to be part of a relationship once you’ve become so good at being alone. We certainly work through it though. He has responsibilities and I have a recording studio! The perfect balance of being single and 2 people being single together like I had always wanted.
So here I am…with the best guy ever. We want to get married. (You can feel this going bad can’t you??? I have toxic energy when it comes to this topic…You think it will stop me from going on?...Likely not! ) Well…here goes…
Ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of a private ceremony in a catholic church where it was just him and me. No people staring at me to see if I was going to belt out a high ‘E’, no people expecting me to break into a standup comedy routine, no quick costume change or having to remember the lines…NO big WEDDING! - Just something real for the two of us. This was the one day that I had always hoped for on which I didn’t have to be the star of the show. I didn’t need to audition and beat someone out to sing a solo… I didn’t need people to stand up and clap for me after my curtain call…One true moment is all I am asking for. Well…people don’t understand why I wouldn’t want to play the role of the bride and have all heads staring at me for one day?? The trouble is that I feel like that summarizes nearly every single day of my life. (MY…WE think highly of ourselves don’t we ;) They say that no one can understand where I’m coming from but in the same breath, “they” talk about how everyone who has ever been a bride has come to the realization that “her” wedding day is never what she wants. Um…okay…I can be charming and understand. I can even make jokes about how “I’m a little crazy for being different than most “bridezillas”…BUT…I have to say that now I’m the one who doesn’t understand. I’ve been to over 800 weddings. Trust me when I say that the script and the stage is pretty much the same at each one- the actors are just shifted around to fit the dresses. Clearly this subject doesn’t bring out the best in me. I guess the question is, “do I give up the only day I’ve ever asked for?”
Calia explains how she feels with a scene involving fast food…
She walks into McDonalds:
Calia: Yes. Could I have an order of fries and a coke?Of course it’s even different than my McDonalds scenario because I’m asking for nothing and I still can’t have it. Really?...I mean…Really?...What the?...WT? huh?...I am truly at a loss for words on this….wait a minute…No I’m not. I’m going to write my wedding speech:
McDonalds worker: No ma’am. I have a salad here for you.
Calia:…uh…o-…kay…???
“I’d like to thank you all for coming here and…ruining the only day I’ve ever dreamed of…”
Wait…no…that wasn’t good. I’ll try again!
“You know how when you’re a little girl you dream of your wedding day?...Well this certainly isn’t it.”
Oops…
“Today is such a special day…for all of you. Please speak amongst yourselves and collect your thank you notes from the table outside the door if you brought a gift.”Why do I feel like I’m not exactly working through this little issue? I’ll try one more time.
“If ever there was a day I wanted to spend with people, you would certainly be the people I would want to spend it with.”
Note to self: either call off the engagement, or make sure you don’t speak to anyone on the day you get married.
I truly don’t have an ending to this story because the thought of it makes me completely sick. All I know is that I want a marriage that is based on love and devotion to a lifetime with each other- I don’t believe that the party at the specific moment the sacrament takes place should be the most important part. Of course I always got C’s on my papers in my college philosophy classes for some reason too. It is clear that my philosophy on life is a little off the beaten path. The funny thing is that some people find it fresh and run down my path after me…I wonder if the others who can only see a few feet in front of them through the crowds on “Mainstream Street”, will one day have a need to detour through high grass, pricker bushes and trees to cut across to my path in order to catch a breath of their own?
So is there a compromise? I guess I could let the family come if someone else will dress up and play the role of bride. Come to think of it…I’d actually pay to watch that myself! Perhaps I should sell tickets to this performance??
Moral of this story (if there is one…): Be happy in the moment and try to figure out what might be holding you back from having all that you want because you may just get it “all” and then have to give it away anyway…
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